Funeral directors share our private road - AIBU about what I saw yesterday?

[Habbyhadno]

This is such a random post but…

I live at the top of a private road just off a main road in a small town. At the main road end we have a funeral directors that faces the street, the building is tiny and it’s a branch of another directors in a neighbouring town where the directors is very much a shop front.

I thought this one would be the same, but they do seem to store bodies in there. We’ve had a fair few hearses park on our road as we turn into it (at the side of the shop), I literally have to squeeze my car up the road as obviously hearses take up a lot of space and the road isn’t wide at all, it’s a bit of an inconvenience but whatever.

However, last night me and my three kids 6,8 and 12 were heading out and we were all walking down the road and I spy a private ambulance with the back door open and clearly two bodies were in black bags in the back of the van.

There were two people out there about to start manoeuvring the bodies into the building, but I’m a bit icked out by it all, I don’t really think the kids need to see that and I felt a bit weird about seeing it (there’s not any other way we could have gone as the road is small and there was no getting away from it).

Do you think I should pop in and speak to them about being aware of who is around when they are unloading bodies or AIBU? I just feel like they could make the operation a bit more concealed rather than hoiking them out literally in the street, it seems a bit disrespectful and it’s been playing on my mind. What do I do?

You don't for sure know how it might affect a child's psyche in the long term. A childhood event often doesn't seem to cause an immediate dent, but the psychological consequences manifest during adulthood, when the individual hits a certain developmental milestone.

OP and her children walked towards a private ambulance and OP clocked a couple of apparently occupied body bags inside.

She assumed the two people there were ‘about to start manoeuvring the bodies into the building’. However, she didn’t see that happening, there was no ‘hoicking’ or disrespect but she was ‘icked’ and ‘felt a bit weird’. No mention of any comments from her children for her to field.

I think OP needs to check out M&S for some big girl pants. If she shelters her children from a perfectly normal part of the life/death process they will grow up being such tender little flowers they will need to carry smelling salts.

If there had been disrespect and/or hoicking then maybe she would be reasonable to speak to the Undertakers.

Yes, she should complain to the local council. They (funeral staff) get blase because they are dealing with it 24/7. Formally object to the renewal of their licence to operate if they keep doing it.

Definitely an over reaction isn't it - because nothing says "healthy childhood development" like casual exposure to dead ppl in black bags. Why shield them from the early reality of mortality - surely they can just play "count the body bags" before the school bus arrives?

Yep, that’s exactly what happened.

Edit- God, pointless replying. You’re clearly unhinged. 6 individual repeated posts to no one in particular. Just incoherent ramblings.

😆

But it's private road. It's not "the public".

Yeah and you don’t know that shielding your child from the perfect normal way art of life and death is good for their psyche either!

i mean everyone dies, don’t they?

Seeing a body being moved in a bag is hardly an 'event'. Nor is it an ACE. Children often respond according to the lead of adults around them. If adults don't make it a big deal, it probably won't be.

Any adult who thinks seeing something like this is traumatic has a very unhealthy attitude to the reality of death. In the past death was everywhere from your birth. We just see it less now due to medical advances and smaller families.

My child was four when their great grandparent died. No lasting impact on them. We talked about it with them, they came to the funeral and said their goodbyes. They've had pets that died. Of all the things to traumatise them in life, normal death isn't one of them.

I absolutely wouldn't care if I saw this. I know you said anyone who said that is a liar, but I wouldn't. Death is part of the circle of life. As long as the bodies are being handled with respect (and seeing them being moved is not disrespect), who cares? It's down a private lane.

I'd be more worried about a parent who thought their child was too delicate to discuss death with. That child will probably have a harder time when they, inevitably, have to face a death.

Doing what exactly ?

Today no one cares ..more business ..more cars and in your case more bodies ..so no ..I don't think you are being unreasonable even if you moved in yesterday or 20 years ago..it's undignified for the family and friends to know bodies are carped about like a frozen food delivery ..especially in front of children. What a world we live in ..and yes I buried my mum my dad and worked in a morgue ..and before the zombies line up to berate me there are rules about dead bodies and the mess they create! I nearly bought a house in Brandon Suffolk opposite the only supermarket in the town to find out it was a funeral directors. Given the circumstances of recent events up north, where bodies were piled high, and ashes and bodies were not repatriated to the the right families who are facing grief beyond grief at this moment, I think that a visit to them to advise they taking up more than equal space ( I would possibly use taking the piss but don't say this) as not being reasonable given the space for parking and cars. They - as a business are making humongous amount of money from the deceased and the families charging for brass handles ! So no ..it's not unreasonable to say they need to confine their business on their grounds and not outside on the road or sub road. I think you find this in local planning and if they actually applied. For anyone who wants to stack bodies in their drive way then contact the lady so the funeral director can continue on his dodgy business and where you can help for free giving space in your garage 👍

I drive past a funeral directors on my way to and from work, and have seen the same thing, simply a fact of life unfortunately. Coincidentally the same directors took care of my dad's recent funeral and they could not have been more respectful.

Anytime I have seen bodies moved from vehicle to premises they have used a gurney/trolley to transport them. There is no way to know who the deceased were/are from the public point of view. They are on a busy road and simply go about their business with great respect - there is no hoiking of bodies like bags of soil happening - and if my family and I happened to see the transfer we would simply bow our heads in respect as we do for funeral processions. Death is sadly a part of life, it's how we face it that makes the difference in how we are affected. No-one WANTS to see it, but there it is.

They could just as well see someone leaving their home in a body bag too.

Wonder how their kids cope if they have to drive past a cemetery?

Why on earth with it cause a negative effect unless the parents treat it as something bad?

My grandad died when I was 4. He was in his coffin in Nana's front room. I went in to see him and told my dad that grandad was asleep in the box ( coffin)

It's not affected me. Dad explained he was dead and would never wake up.

My DGC would insist on going in to read the graves lol. Can't pass a churchyead or cemetery without that request. Since he was 6 he has liked them

I live in a small town just outside of Ipswich. The funeral parlour sounds identical to our local one, especially with the fence.
There is a large facility in Ipswich, and I imagine your local parlour might be like ours.
From what I gather, my local parlour have a set up for preparing and storing the deceased, but if there is no space or they collect from hospital/hospice etc, then they would take them to the larger building.
I have seen the undertakers collecting a person from their home and also seen them unload their van.
I was very surprised by the collection because I wasn't expecting it. Less surprised with the unloading as it was by their premises and the parking space is not big enough for their van.

One thing I will say about our local undertakers, is that they carry out their duty with respect and dignity to their customers. They are very careful and purposeful when moving their customers. I have thankfully not seen any hoiking, otherwise i would say something. Unfortunately, death waits for no man and unless they are being disrespectful in their work and duties, then I don't think there is much you can do.
I think we are more mentally prepared to see a coffin, its dignified and respectful. But a different matter and a bit unsettling to see a body bag. I dislike body bags as I dont feel they are very respectful, but I guess it is better than the alternatives.

Reread the OP's first post. They didn't witness any moving/hoiking/adjusting of said body bags. They didn't see one thrown over a shoulder like a sack of spuds. They saw 2 black bags in the back. Once they'd wandered off home and the coast was clear, the bags would have been moved.

Completely agree, death is an inevitable fact of life guaranteed for us all and it’s better to be open about the fact than try to hide it and make the children scared

OP saw no hoiking either!

This is a joke, right? You can't be serious.

It's nothing to do with the council! funeral directors are not licensed. Not by the council, not by anybody. And if anyone on here really wants to know about body bags, it's a Health & Safety Executive requirement for infection control if the deceased happens to have died from something that might affect workers' health. Not universal, not compulsory. Ditto the use of embalming fluids: its in the HSE remit, for the protection of the staff. Nothing to do with dignity, appropriateness, privacy, the public. (I won't post the link to the HSE guidelines because some PPs may find it a bit much)

Getting one's head round the small stuff in advance can help when the time comes that you're facing a bereavement. If it's a cremation, coffin handles are plastic (not metal - don't look too closely, the plastic handles are unavoidably a bit tacky). If you see a black transit van with no logo, it's probably an undertaker moving a body: they don't use hearses for pick-ups! When you choose a funeral director, definitely pick one that has an enclosed yard or enclosed delivery bay. It's upsetting that small children may need to keep checking with you that it's true that Gran isn't coming back and has gone in the big box. And that's a really sad conversation but most of us process it ok?

It’s a private road in a small town , hardly Piccadilly Circus.