Funeral directors share our private road - AIBU about what I saw yesterday?

[Habbyhadno]

This is such a random post but…

I live at the top of a private road just off a main road in a small town. At the main road end we have a funeral directors that faces the street, the building is tiny and it’s a branch of another directors in a neighbouring town where the directors is very much a shop front.

I thought this one would be the same, but they do seem to store bodies in there. We’ve had a fair few hearses park on our road as we turn into it (at the side of the shop), I literally have to squeeze my car up the road as obviously hearses take up a lot of space and the road isn’t wide at all, it’s a bit of an inconvenience but whatever.

However, last night me and my three kids 6,8 and 12 were heading out and we were all walking down the road and I spy a private ambulance with the back door open and clearly two bodies were in black bags in the back of the van.

There were two people out there about to start manoeuvring the bodies into the building, but I’m a bit icked out by it all, I don’t really think the kids need to see that and I felt a bit weird about seeing it (there’s not any other way we could have gone as the road is small and there was no getting away from it).

Do you think I should pop in and speak to them about being aware of who is around when they are unloading bodies or AIBU? I just feel like they could make the operation a bit more concealed rather than hoiking them out literally in the street, it seems a bit disrespectful and it’s been playing on my mind. What do I do?

There really are no regs. When my father in law died last year my DH, who hates spending money on anything he perceives he could do himself, wanted to transport his dad’s body from the hospital to the funeral home himself, in a cardboard box in the back of his transit van. It took me and his mum in tears to convince him that it was better to leave this to professionals…I think he still thinks it was a waste of money!

Take photos ? Good grief 🙄😲

I am certain I’ve read this post before?!

Firstly sorry for your loss, that's heartbreaking to read

Was that in the UK? I work part-time in a local family funeral directors. The same family for 145 years. I've been there 2 years and we haven't embalmed anyone in that time. Its not popular in the UK it's more an American thing.

There are no regulations re being a funeral director anyone can do it. But I know we are expecting some regulations after the spate of stories of poor management. We label everyone twice, with a wrist band and separate big sign. Everyone is checked by someone else when they are put in the coffin. The crematorium, graveyard or church also checks the name plate on the sealed coffin

Incidentally our coffins are lined to prevent any biological problems.

Re the ops initial post. The body was covered, wrapped up so no one could see anything on a private road. Premises vary and its not always possible to move a body without it being public...I am currently on our of hours call and I could be called to a residential street where we have to park some distance from the house...or in a block of flats transport the body in a small public lift... what does the op expect us to do in those circumstances?

It obviously is important to you - you’ve quoted me 3x already!

I spent some time on a cardiac ward years ago while I waited for a diagnosis. Sadly many of my fellow patients were moved from their beds on the ward to the mortuary in a metal coffin. It was a frightening reminder of what we might all be facing but the deceased were all treated with the utmost respect by hospital staff and patients alike.

Yes, that's why these are called 'discussion boards'. Discussion involves back and forth.

Not the UK.

It’s definitely is “a thing” in the UK, perhaps just not your funeral directors but google suggests slightly over half of all bodies are embalmed in the UK. Every death I’ve experienced in the UK except one in England was embalmed.
Again, not everyone has a sealed coffin.

We used to share a street with a funeral home. Bodies were always unloaded behind locked gates. They were very discreet. This sounds odd.

Funeral directors transferring bodies in bags in public view without any attempt to screen off?

A pp has said there aren't any regulations in these businesses and after the awful examples in the media if anyone sees funeral staff doing anything questionable then of course you report. God know what goes on behind closed doors.

There is nothing to suggest there’s anything of concern going on, there’s literally no basis for that at all.

Death is a fact of life and we should talk about it more. I talk about it to my kids as something very normal to happen.

I've encountered embalmed bodies a number of times. While the results were very good in making them look at peace and allow them to be at home for a bit longer, I'm not sure how I feel about the actual process of it. It's quite invasive.

Our local undertakers have a black non descript estate car for the non coffin part of transportation. However from my own experience, no matter how discreet you try to be, dead people have to be moved. My dad had to be brought out the front door, same with my brother. My friend had to be brought down the stairs, put into a body bag and wheeled out the driveway. Neighbours would have seen if they were outside. It's life.

You would have struggled during the plague when people were loaded into carts and pushed through the streets for everyone to see....

There is only one sure thing in life... and that is death....

Perhaps have a chat and see if they intend on getting a private yard or similar....

You should ensure that any funeral director you use is a member of the National Association of Funeral Directors. They will be inspected regularly and have to abide by the Funeral Director's Code. There should be a certificate displayed on the premises showing they are members.

YABU If it bothers you that much I’d say you need to move house.

Two of my own family have had to be taken from their homes in body bags. The first time was a shock because I wasn’t aware of this - but for those with no understanding of them - the “ bags” are thick, heavy black almost solid rubber type material with more resemblance to a black ( all sealed/ covered) sleeping bag and zero resemblance to a bin bag! This is the way undertakers transport bodies to funeral homes ( or coroners if death unexpected ) until families can choose a coffin - though often a chapel of rest will transfer the body into a standard coffin incase family wish to view and for respect even before using your “ coffin of choice”. When people die they have to be moved unless a family tradition to keep them at home. The weirdest one I experienced was when a dear neighbour was terminally ill and I unfortunately opened the curtains at exact time ( early morning) as body being transported ( slowly and carefully ) to the “ private ambulance “ ( if black , these are usually also for transferring dead bodies ). I was shocked, but because I was sad death had come early, not because of the manner of transportation!! I genuinely have no idea what alternative you feel should be used - coffins are huge and heavy and personal choice. A body bag is the easiest most discrete way to efficiently deal with a body ( directors are extremely experienced at transferring a body into the bag and onto a trolley) and there is no disrespect or anything “ gross” or shocking about it other than that it is a very sad fact of life that people die. Suggesting screens, coffins etc is simply adding more procedures, awkwardness and time to the very first part of a lengthy and often already costly and/ or traumatic circumstance. You cannot see the person in the bag , and it is just the very beginning part of a long process which will often culminate in a coffin being driven very publicly for a “ final goodbye”. You know a body is in a coffin and must have seen this thousands of times so what’s the difference?!

Christ perhaps it's a regional thing because her in the west country it's definitely not a done thing. We had a discussion a few weeks back and the boss struggled to even name an embalmer.

4x now for something ‘unimportant’…. OK

And when you get a reply from the undertakers and the council, please share it on here.

I'd be very interested to hear what they say.

This thread reminds me of the people who bought a house very close to the most popular pub in the town where I live and then complained about the noise that people made leaving at closing time and how they couldn't use their garden in fine weather because of people talking loudly in the pub garden.

They're covered by normal environmental protection and workplace safety rules and COSHH rules for embalming.

Friend's dad was an environmental health inspector and they would go and check on every now and again, them the same as any other premises that could potentially cause a risk.

I don't see a problem with the funeral director just doing their job. I take it they were there before you moved in so unfortunately living up the road from this is something you need to either accept or look to move elsewhere. I can't think of a single funeral director in my town and outskirts who operate in an entirely remote area.

We need to remember this is private road, not a public road. Appreciate it probably doesn't have locked gates, but it isn't a public space.

The word hoiking was mentioned in the original post. I glad there was no actually hoiking witnessed. That would have been very undignified.
Though, when I have witnessed body removal by undertakers( care home) they graciously close the door so any potential hoiking can be done privately. Bodies can pass in all different positions, knees bent, as well as, spines. The elderly don't alway relax flat onto their back after being bed bound.

There is some times hoiking required. When my friend died he had to be hoiked because of the place and position he died in as limited access/ space.