to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

I think your text sounds good. Stains might be normal but bits missing and her not mentioning this is rude.
Hope she can find the missing parts.

OP has explained the difference between this play gym and the cheaper alternatives. Your posts are unnecessarily unpleasant towards the OP. She hasn't done anything wrong, apart from lending an expensive item to a friend who she trusted to look after it and not let it be trashed.

OP has said that her friend's home is clean and well cared for so she had no inkling that her friend would treat the play gym with such disrespect and lack of care, even though she knew that OP wanted it back for her next baby.

She should replace all the missing items.

People saying well op could buy something else for £30 are missing the point.

Op lent it with a I will want it back for baby2. The friend knew full well it was to be used again and I’d assume how much it’s worth considering she asked to borrow rather than buy her own. Most people take most decent people take better care of things they are borrowing than their own things. A mark is one thing but she’s lost pieces and never even said a word or offered to replace.

Op shouldn’t be out of pocket or have to use a lesser or broken item because her friend was a shit friend.

If she's been using bits of it out n about there is a fair bet the lost bits are lost completely.

I'd ask her to look for the bits.
Then contact the manufacturer as ask to buy spares.
That failing i might be tempted to buy a second hand one and keep the best of both.

Its been used daily by 2 babies. It's had its day. Give it up. It will never be an heirloom. It was overpriced tat and has been well used and loved. Let it reach its natural end.

I think people are spectacularly missing the point in a competitiveness to find who could get the cheapest one.

I wouldn't spend that but if I had or even if I’d spent £20 of someone borrows something (especially knowing you want it back for use in the future) they should look after it.

I care for borrowed stuff much more than stuff I’ve bought myself as it’s not mine to ruin.

OP absolutely I’d text asking for the missing pieces and love the “ can your DH hand them to mine” line. Absolutely after like you assume it’s an oversight and expected it all back.

I think this is the risk when you lend things like this out. It’s not ideal, no, and it says something about someone that they’d return an item in that state. But you either need to mention it as soon as returned or let it go, and chalk up to experience.

@OldPossumsPracticalCats

I think this is a good halfway house position.

You could go back and mention the stains but mainly emphasise that some of the key bits are missing. Then remind her that you had wanted to use this for DC2 as you had previously told her so looking at the cost of replacing all the missing bits etc it might be easier to order a new one and is she able to contribute to the cost?

I am sure you can word it better than I have.

The thing that would irritate me the most is that she didn't declare all the damage at the time of handover. I find that so rude. Did she think you wouldn’t notice?

All that said, I suppose it depends on how important the friendship is to you overall.

If I wanted to maintain the friendship I would mention the damage, order a new one, seethe for a bit, and then just move on. But I would mention the damage because I feel handing it back like that without saying anything was cheeky.

It's a shame but it's the risk you take when you lend stuff. I lent something to a friend who returned it with bits missing and marks on it. Looking back, I should have known it would happen so I put it down to experience.

I think this is a good message OP and it actually gives her a chance to remedy the missing bits - which a furious text or blocking her (🙄) would not.

I can see you really valued it so it was generous of you to let her borrow it.

Aw OP this must have been upsetting. It sounds like your friend was genuinely very grateful. I learnt the hard way not to lend things I love to friends if I want them back, as you can't guarantee they will be looked after. I once lent my favourite maternity hoodie, with a baby carrying panel to a friend. She returned it with bleach stains on. I was pretty gutted, however the friend actively pointed it out and apologised for the state of it, and I decided that actually I was happy for her to keep it as she'd obviously also got lots of wear out of it, and I'd treat myself to a new one for my second pregnancy. This was a nice way to think of it - nothing stays nice forever, and if it was well used it means it was well loved. I'd not mention it, and maybe give it to your friend to keep. That's just me though. Maybe stick it in the wash and see how it comes out?
I don't lend things now that I know I will want back in good condition, and anything I do lend I make sure I'd be happy to not get it back. It's made lending much less stressful!

I really feel for you OP. I would also be really upset in this situation, particularly because you invested money in something that will aid your child’s development and want to offer your second child the same. Your friend knew the value of the item and also knows that she has been cheeky. I would ask for all of the parts back or a replacement. I think your message is worded a little too causally, it offers her the opportunity to say ‘oh baby chew them and I chucked them hahah’. Just directly ask her to drop them off over the weekend and if for any reason they’ve gone missing to order a replacement by x date in time for baby 2.

People saying babies tend to destroy things. Well that’s why the friend shouldn’t really have asked to have borrowed it herself. If someone offers to lend something it’s probably because they are more relaxed about wearing and tear. But your friend fancied your designer baby gear for herself so asked for the favour. I wouldn’t ask that of a friend myself as I know there are only so many babies an item like this can go through before they look knackered

I'm way past the baby stage so hadn't heard of this brand so looked it up and this is my thought exactly. It looks like something from Temu, perhaps the friend thought that so wasn't bothered that it was returned worn.

She should absolutely have told you and offered to pay. I cannot understand why some posters are so blasé about @OldPossumsPracticalCats 's item.

I passed everything on after 3 children and everything was spotless and perfect

Did your children actually use stuff? Its normal for things to get worn and unless you hover over children constantly and prevent them from playing actively, things do eventually get marks from use. Clothing fades from regular washing, plastics fade and get scratches. Its normal.

Besides the point.

I initially voted YABU (but have since changed it!) because I thought it was one of those relatively cheap ones that were around when my two were babies (incidentally, they were pretty good toys too which provided hours of amusement!) however I’ve now looked up the one in question and all I can say is… wow - they’ve come along a bit in the last 20 years! I’m not surprised you’re upset, op - it’s a lovely piece of kit.

I really do think the friend needs to take accountability for the damage. For a start, I don’t think she should have even asked to borrow such an expensive thing for a baby to use, but seeing as she did, she should have been mega paranoid that it would get damaged, and prepared to replace if it did. I know I would have.

That’s a great text you’ve lined up to send, and I hope it gets the message across somehow to your friend to replace the parts.

Have you sent the message yet?

I’m not familiar with the brand so I googled it, and I think the play gym looks fabulous. So many little additions and things to keep them busy. My baby is seven months now and starting to grow out of his gym, but I’d definitely buy this one if we were to have another.
I’m so sorry OP that your friend handed it back with stains on and bits missing. She knew the cost of it presumably, and wanted a fancy gym without having to pay for it. Knowing as well that she asked to borrow it in the first place (as opposed to you offering) makes this more frustrating. It’s poor that she didn’t even acknowledge the bad condition of it when handing it back, and you’ve now had to wash it…she should’ve been the one doing this.
I think the text you’ve sent is perfect, keep us updated with her reply!

When your kid is 6 you will look back and kick yourself that a) you pissed away £140 on something for a baby to dribble over and b) probably lost a friendship over it.

I don’t care if people don’t want to spend money on toys for children and think that there’s no difference in toys like from Lovevery and whatever’s cheapest in Argos, but it’s surely not a huge stretch that some people do see differences in toys and have different preferences. Personally I don’t care about handbags, to me they’re just a receptacle to haul around my stuff but I don’t act surprised and shocked that other people care. For me, buying my children nice toys that will help them develop and grow with them is something I like to do. I don’t want to have to justify that on this thread.

And even if it were a £5 Temu mat, it’s still not right to mistreat it or hand it back in poor condition with bits missing.

But second ones never seem to love it in the same way. Probably because they have a sibling to entertain them and can see the next stage of toys and think 'nah, I'm having that'!

Yes great.. and that expensive thing has seen 2 babies through now. Daily use. It's had its day. Let it go.

Never mind people saying it's a waste of money who probably treat other people's things equally as badly. Did you send the message? That's the focus here, calling it out politely and getting a replacement or money towards one.