to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

You are not being unreasonable, however, other people's standards are different. Is her home a bit scruffy compared to yours? Almost every time I looked after a friend's child I ended up scrubbing the pushchair before we went out because it was covered in food, mud and random nasty stains. Frankly I didn't want to be seen out with it. I hope you haven't lent her anything else, if you have, write it off and never lend her anything again.

Before chucking it out, it might be worth contacting the manufacturer to see if you can get the instruction book and replacement bits for those lost/damaged, or substitute other toys for them. I quite often bought tatty-looking baby stuff cheap from charity shops, and cleaned/repaired it for use. As long as it's clean and safe, your baby won't care it's not perfect.

The lovevery items hold their value so having the all the parts and play guide means you can resell it. I don’t know if that was OPs plan eventually but if you look after things which OP clearly does then you have that option.

Some people just don’t look after things. It’s baffling but that’s people for you.

OP, I’d not be too soft about this. Don’t say ‘I think items are missing’ this is a time to be honest about what’s missing and the fact you’re disappointed with the condition of the item.

id be like ‘hi xxx, I’ve just got the playmat out to have a look and items are missing (x and y) could you have a look for these as I’d really like them back to complete the gym.
i also noticed the mat is pretty stained, what’s happened? I am disappointed tbh as it was in really good condition when I lent it to you :(

dont provide the solution. Tell her what’s missing and that you’re not happy. See what she offers to do and that will tell you a lot in itself

There are a few on Facebook market place for £60.

I have to say, this is why I didn’t borrow anything from anyone unless I knew I wasn’t going to be giving it back. Nobody deliberately loses bits of things but it does happen.

A lot of people missing the point here. Friends don't disrespect friends by trashing their stuff. She isn't a good friend, OP, to just hand it back and not even say anything/ apologise / offer to replace things. This doesn't sound like regular wear and tear.

If you want to have a nice expensive gym for your child, that is totally your choice and you don't need to settle for a £20 one from Argos (personally I did, but we are all different).

I think you worded your text to her well. If she doesn't make good, I would no longer consider her a friend (which again, obviously your choice, just how I would feel!).

Honestly, its seen 2 babies through now. Give it up. I cant stand all this "keep it for the next one". Yes if it is a solid wood handmade crib maybe. These gym things? No. Throw it away. It's done its job. Buy a new one.

As someone who is seriously suffering the consequences of being a massive pushover (close to mental breakdown) I'd say please send the note you have drafted to your friend.

I love how everyone and yourself are focusing on upsetting her and the friendship, when actually she is the one in the wrong here. You say she is your friend, but she has shown very little respect for you by asking to borrow a very expensive bit of baby kit, and treating it appallingly.

Also, please take note of what has happened here. If you have something special to you, and expensive, please put it away when people come round. As you have found out, it is much easier for people to borrow and wreck your researched, and paid for things, than get off their own lazy arses and do the research and put their hand in their own pocket.

Someone once asked me to lend them an airline harness for their DC. This person is loaded and could easily buy one. I asked for it back next time I went on holiday and she told me she had sold it, as she didn't realise I wanted it back, that I had given it to her. I was really cross and made her give me the money for it. We were never close friends again, but as I said earlier, she is the one who trashed the friendship not me.

Send your note, and if she comes back saying they are lost etc. tell her you are upset as it is now unusable without the parts.

OP's friend obviously doesn't hate borrowing stuff though as she asked to borrow the play gym and then treated it with total disrespect.

But OP's situation is completely different. She didn't force the baby gym onto her friend. Her friend asked for it and then didn't take care of it to the point that it was pretty much ruined. She hasn't explained the missing items or apologised for the damage.

Sadly this is why I never lend things, although at least it was returned, usually lent things are never seen again. If someone wants to borrow something I either say 'i'm so sorry but I don't lend things anymore because of not getting things back in the past. - I know you would bring it back but it's just my general approach now' or I just give it to them with no expectation of return. I don't know why but once people have borrowed something they rarely bring it back, even decent reliable people get flaky. I agree with others to just ask nicely for the missing parts - it raises the issue in a way that allows her to apologise and offer some recompense and preserve the friendship. If she apologises I would drop it and move on - unless it's a very expensive piece of kit.

Besides the point. Everything should have been returned in the way it was given.

Can I suggest a slightly firmer take that is still friendly but less wishy washy?

"Hey [Friend], thanks for dropping off the play gym! I’m getting everything ready for Baby2 and noticed the* red bell, teething ring, mirror, sensory cards, and the play guide *didn’t make it back. Could you have [Husband] pass those to [My Husband] on Friday? We’re going to need that red bell to survive the early days again! 😂 Also, there are a couple of new stains on the mat—do you happen to know what they are so I can try the right cleaner on them?"

This. Can't believe people are saying not to say anything for fear of losing a friend. A true friend wouldn't return items in a horrible state 😔Or pretend they are all there and clean.

And I am shocked at some of the responses blaming you for having an expensive item here.

If you’d lent your friend a lovely pair of designer shoes that came back with the leather scuffed and heel damaged people wouldn’t be saying to just replace with something from Clark’s or that you shouldn’t have bought such expensive shoes in the first place.

We subscribed to Loveevery with our first and the quality of the items is fantastic. Most lasted for our second and some items are still played with years later. As pp said, they do keep their value as well if sold

Thing is, what are people suspecting has happened?

It seems very unlikely that the friend or their baby deliberately set out to trash the play mat.

What’s most likely is that the baby is a more aggressive player, that they used it more or that older kids were around and used it differently. I’ve been to lots of houses where I think “god it’s a bit of a state in here” but the family seem happy and it’s because they don’t have quite the same parenting style/ values as me in terms of cleanliness or tidiness, or they have more kids, less money or something else going on that’s not a priority. Equally I’ve been to other houses where the parent is obsessively cleaning stuff, going round with baby wipes, “inside/ outside” toys, no snacks on the sofa, losing it when a child spills milk etc and thought “life’s too short”.

It seems to me that the mum/ baby has just used it in the normal way for them and either didn’t notice the missing things/ stains or didn’t have the headspace to sort it out before she gave it back. I think it’s fine to ask her to have a look for the missing stuff but if it’s washable I wouldn’t be asking for a replacement or banging on about the stains if they are a friend I’d want to keep.

It’s a good lesson learned- don’t lend anything you want back. Other people’s standards are different.

YANBU
If she’s a good friend she should have replaced it !

It’s bad manners to ruin something and not .
Disagree that if something is third hand it will be trashed - not if it is looked after / respected .
She also knew you intended to use it again .
Learn from the experience though x
Good luck

For someone to hand back an item that is now stained with parts missing, when it was lent in immaculate condition, and not recognise the need to replace it, is someone who's dim or doesn't give a fuck.

Yes, we all have different standards, but that's not an excuse. If I knew the item wasn't in the same condition, as it was lent to me, I'd feel dreadful and immediately buy a replacement. I think most people would have enough self-awareness to do the same.

You have every right to feel upset. It sounds to me if the item is not fit for purpose, and your friend should be giving you the money so you can replace it or purchasing another one.

By all means text her and tell her. Somehow though, I think she'll feel 'slighted' and be annoyed with you, rather than feeling ashamed of herself that she handed back an item lent to her, that hasn't been looked after whilst in her care.

Sorry but she’s not a friend. A decent friend would have offered to replace it rather than hand it back in this state. Nasty. Don’t worry about upsetting her. She was happy to insult you.

Yes this is it. And other than the stain and the bent cards, the rest of the play gym I have is still in good condition so it’s not like it’s an inevitability that a baby will.

OP can't afford to buy another one. She bought it with help from the baby's grandparents. She kept it in great condition and expected her 'friend' to do the same.

She can afford a play mat. It's this overpriced thing she might not be able to. Baby won't care and won't be any smarter for it. It's precious nonsense IMO

This sounds aggressive and will not help maintain the relationship.

I'd ask for a replacement but word it less confrontationaly. Just says it's stained and bits are missing or words to that effect and say you'd like it replaced and send her a link so she knows you want back the same thing you lent.

I would have cried too. Lending stuff nearly always doesn't end well, I try and avoid it.

I think I would handle this by saying:

Hi xx, I have decided to buy a new x as it isn't in its best shape and missing some parts (to be expected going into its third life). I may look to give it away or sell on but before I do wanted to ask if you would like to keep it?

That way you are making your friend aware but also taking accountability for the fact that to be honest it should have been expected and you should not have lent it out if you wanted it maintained in pristine condition. I don't think this message would ruin your friendship but she may take the hint and either offer to buy you a new one or buy the old one from you so you at least partly cover the costs of buying your own replacement.

I’ve just washed it with huge amounts of Vanish and the stain has faded and I’m hanging it out in (hopefully) the sun today to see if that helps more. I think what’s really bothering me is that she didn’t say anything, and that there are bits missing. If she’d said when she’d handed it over or anytime she’d had it (7 months for someone’s who asked above) that she’s really sorry but Baby grabbed and bit/crumpled a few of the play cards before she could get to them, or that she’d split XYZ on it then I’d have been better with it than discovering it myself.

I can’t find the post now but someone asked why I hadn’t see it at her house, we tend to hang out at mine because it’s easier with a toddler to be with his things than have him in a baby setting which he finds a bit boring now. I’ve seen her use a few pieces out and about and a couple of months ago the stain wasn’t there.

And someone else asked if her house is grubby and it’s always so clean and tidy. I’m the one who is more cluttered and relaxed on cleaning. If you’d asked a mutual friend which of us would stain or lose pieces, I don’t think anyone would pick her. It’s why I trusted her with it and why it’s so surprising.

I’d be annoyed too and this type of thing is the reason why I hate lending things - I used to find it hard to say no too.

Not the point of the thread but if she doesn’t return the missing items I would write to the company who makes them & ask about replacement parts.

End of friendship right there with that message.

OP I would chalk this up to experience and get a new one. In future, don't lend things to this friend, offer to sell them to her instead. You have different standards about things and she probably didn't think you would ask for it back. If you want to keep something for another baby, then just keep it.