to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

You must not have read the thread. Its quite clear some people do need it spelling out otherwise we wouldnt be talking about it. Jeez LOL etc etc etc

Would you really trash someone else’s property, including an expensive item you know they want back?

Write it off. A £30 baby gym; 10 months of use...cost 10p a say.
I would have just given it to a friend, I can't be be arsed about squabbling over pennies.
I got give negative loads of second hand stuff for my dc with no expectation for it to be returned. I in due course, passed it on to the new parents ti be. I thought that was the norm.

I hope your friend responds promptly and contritely. I'm trying to think of any justification for returning something you've borrowed without checking the condition and mentioning any defects. Any chance her DH has bundled it up or she's lent it to somebody else?

PS I know the Lovevery playmat is expensive but it really has a lot of features and grows with your baby.

It's not a £30 playgym. The friend wouldn't have asked to borrow it if it was.

If you ask for a new one you may ruin/end the friendship.
so decide what’s most important to you
totally uncool to hand something back in awful condition like that. Not something a good friend would do in my opinion.
my sister handed me back my boxes of baby toys and baby clothes for my third baby recently. All in the same great condition I gave them to her in.

It’s a popular post (about a relatively trivial problem). I haven’t been on mumsnet for a long time, but I’m learning the ropes. I am personally very much encouraged by this thread to look up Lovevery 😉

I’m so sorry this happened to you and I totally understand you are upset. I think your response was a good one. Also your approach of trying to salvage what you can. Personally I would not ask her to buy a replacement if she is otherwise a very good friend but I would remember. No pussyfooting around. If she asks to borrow something again the answer is no and I’d be honest why. ‘I was so upset with the state my baby gym was returned in that I don’t want to risk lending any items again’. When she starts with the inevitable ’oh so sorry it was x reason’ or ‘you should have said something…’ the response is ‘no it’s done now, forget it, but it is why I won’t lend my things again’. And your learning going forwards is not to lend things you need and can’t afford to replace to anyone.

So am I, and my baby's almost a teenager. But I'm persuaded by the number of posters who have coincidentally all noted that this product "grows with your baby." For the price, I'm assuming it would still be suitable for her.

Did she reply?

Maybe the Baby Gym Ruiner doesn't care about the friendship given the state she returned it in (and without any hint of an apology)..

Very true!
What stands out to me here is that (according to the op) this woman looks after her own stuff very well, her house is always very neat and tidy, and yet she doesn't look after her friend's stuff at all...

I would say: These parts seem to be missing (send her photos) can you please have a look for them?
Also noticed this big stain on the mat (again send photos) what is it? want to try and get it out before having to chuck it.

Hopefully she gets the message and will offer to contribute towards the cost.

It was a £140, wild for a baby gym, but thats beside the point.

I bet the friend had no idea its value either. However she should have taken better care and not lost bits regardless of value.

I dont think your message tackles the issue enough. Its too passive and leaves too much room for her to skirt around the issue. You dont think they've been left behind, you know.
I'd be saying you're very upset, you appreciate things can get damaged but this is too much and she needs to take steps to rectify it

It could be £1000 but it doesn’t matter. People can spend their money on whatever they want without judgement. I don’t get Mumsnet and the ‘I’m better than you becuase my baby played with a fork’ brigade. (Not saying that is you but there has been a lot of it on this post)

Totally fair enough to send her that text. She should have absolutely apologised for the state of it when she returned it to you. I still feel mortified that I misplaced my friend breast pump which she lent to me when I had DC1. I repaid her the money so she could get a new one!

I think another aspect of this is OP mentioned in her 2nd post that grandparents had contributed towards the cost of the play gym. No doubt they will be expecting to see their new grandchild using it so it puts extra pressure on the OP to get the original item sorted rather than replace it with a cheaper version

Hope the "friend" will come up trumps with all the missing parts and the play guide

I appreciate quality toys, and have a household income of over 250k, but I never thought to spend anything close to £140 on my baby gym! I also never lend anything out unless I can afford to lose it.

I think you have rather strange financial priorities if you are prepared buy an expensive baby toy that by your own admission you can’t really afford, and then lend it out to someone.

your friend was a bit of a cf to put you on the spot asking for it and I don’t blame you for being annoyed. But let’s face it a baby gym is a bit of fabric that babies are going to poo on, be sick on, pull bits off. I think you were a bit daft to buy it in the first place, and even more daft to lend it out.

It's definitely not your fault.

And you are right to expect anyone (especially a friend) to handle things lent to them with care.
Even without you telling her you wanted it for a second child, you could have had various other plans for it. It's yours.

You don't need to defend why you bought it. It's nobody's business.

Going forward, you know she's not one to lend stuff too..and you know that anything you value does not get lent out, irrespective of person. That's the way to damaging relationships with people.

Really sorry, this happened. I wouldn't like it.

Based on your snarky comment you clearly have forgotten what it’s like to be a first time mum and wanting something nice. So I’m guessing you have never spent any amount of money on your kids - fine, you do you. No stop judging others who have.

Well it sounds like the ‘friend’ who borrowed the play mat isn’t a friend worth keeping.

CallingOnTheMegaphone
"Surely you know what do with the thing if your first kid used it for ages? That probably went in the recycling long ago!"

Why the heck would you put property that was loaned to you in the recycling even if it was "only" the play guide? The OP may have been planning to sell the complete set on after she had finished with it.

This ^ She sounds like a shit friend OP. I can’t believe the amount of responses you are getting advising you to just stay quiet and not say anything for the sake of the ‘friendship’.

No real friend would take advantage of you like this.

TL:DR
"Stay in your lane, poor person"