to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

But the OP shouldn't be the one paying for it.

I treat everything i own with respect and care. I dont care what it is, if i lend something to anyone i expect it back in the same condition and i will make that clear to them.

Thats your mistake. You didnt make it clear what you expected at the end. Some people might find that overbearing but it gives the person the opportunity to refuse taking it as they know they wont be able to keep it pristine.

We have something we purchased for our DS 23 years ago. Its something that has been used and abused by about 10 other children over the last 23 years. Its made out of solid wood but at one point my brothers DS managed to break part of it. I sent it off to a joiner and sent my brother the bill. There was no discussions, they understand that if i lend something, it comes back in the condition it went in.

The person is a CF for not having the discussion with you when returning it and putting the onus on you. Now you have made it clear you will find out just how much of a CF they are.

I see why you are annoyed, it should have been returned in the condition you gave it or if trashed your friend should have offered to get you a new one, however at the end of the day it’s a play mat with a few extras, go and buy a cheaper one it’s really not that important, my son had a £20 one (23 years ago) and it really hasn’t made any difference to how he turned out lol.

You were absolutely right to message her OP - I really hope you get a positive response

Thanks for this. For some reason I thought replacement parts were only for subscribers which is out of budget for me. All my Lovevery toys other than the mat and the bath toys are the result of too much time scouring Vinted for deals. The red chime is there (and that’s the part I’m really sad about not having) but when I click I just end up in a redirect loop and the page doesn’t load. I’ll try again on a laptop later to see if that makes a difference. £10 is well worth it for me for that part and I’ll see what post ages costs and what availability the other missing pieces have too.

Do you really have to spell it out that you wanted it back clean and with parts intact? Jeez LOL 🙄😆🤦‍♂️😬

That thought crossed my mind too.

Op think you've done the right thing asking for the parts.

My baby also liked to play with utensils, jars of chickpeas, saucepans etc. It’s not either/or. I’m also curious why it’s my fault for expecting an item back in roughly the condition it was lent or at least an explanation and apology, rather than my friends fault for not returning several parts of the toys she asked for.

I hate this. I had it happened with books on a few occasions. Some people just dont look after stuff.

How dare you expect something you borrowed to be returned back to you in good condition! I can only assume anyone blaming you treats other people's possessions in a similarly disrespectful way. You have every right to have the missing pieces returned or replaced by her. Common decency.

YANBU this is really disrespectful. Our next to me cot was third hand when we used it, initially bought new by a school friend who passed it onto my best friend who passed it onto me. I then lent it to a work friend for 6 months who has since returned it. It still looks clean and has no signs of wear and tear. She needs to pay you back and apologise.

You have every right to be upset, I would never have asked a friend to lend me something like this and she is awful for returning it to you in such a state. That was something your baby enjoyed and you were looking forwards to your second baby also experiencing. She has tainted that now for you as you are running around trying to source parts, cleaning stains and wondering how to text/replace items. None of this is on you, its all on her. A friend who has a clean presentable house knows how to look after things, but she didn't with your item.

That’s why I don’t borrow or accept borrowr stuff. I genuinely don’t know how, but whenever I get a new toy for my baby/now toddler, after a week we’re missing parts. Babies seem to be able to open Black Holes that make things disappear. The few times someone ‘insisted’ on lending me stuff, I’ve put it unopened in the loft and then returned it after a few months. Your friend probably shouldn’t have asked to borrow it, but maybe she didn’t anticipate how hard it is to return baby things in immaculate condition.

I have a neighbour who borrowed my garden hose, her dog ate it, my garden brush, handle broke. I didn’t ask her to replace them, the unfortunate curse of politeness, but I did tell her that I would not lend her anything again.

I don't think it's your fault per se - just that you are not being realistic expecting other people to treat things the way that you do. The way you treat things is just that - the way you treat things. Other people will treat things differently.

I can't think when I last lent a friend something that I really expected to have returned, apart from things like power tools that you only need for a day or so!

Has she replied yet? You are not being unreasonable at all OP, can't believe there are comments about "why did you buy an expensive baby mat" umm because its your money and you can do with it what you want with it?? Its worth it too when you can use it for a new baby again. Your friend was very unreasonable to not even acknowledge damaging it. She should either contribute to or buy a new one in my opinion.

Isn’t this exactly why the OP is so upset though?

She expected her friend to be as careful as the seller of this “as new” one must have been. It’s a poor show that she wasn’t and that she didn’t even have the decency to apologise, never mind do what you’re suggesting and give back a replacement that’s in better shape.

As others have said though, saying something now will likely end the relationship unless she’s so close that this level of criticism can be taken (IME that’s really only family). So it depends whether the OP is prepared for that to happen.

I think that also depends on their relative incomes: if the cost of it was too much for the friend but not for the OP I’d still be annoyed at the disrespect but I’d let it go but not lend stuff ever again.

If their incomes are similar then IMO it’s about how much she values their friendship.

A friend wouldn’t ruin your stuff and then hand it back

Not perfect. Ridiculous, it's to be expected when lending out baby stuff. Couldn't get excited about it.

I think it's cheeky that she even asked to borrow such an expensive item to begin with. Then to lose bits without actually saying sorry is really taking the piss. How good of a friend is this woman really?

I think we have all learnt by experience that some people are less careful with stuff than they should be.

But also wear and tear happens slowly over time, so not noticeable to the borrowers but the difference between condition at hand over vs return is massive to the lender.

So i wouldn't let it be the end of a friendship. I'd treat it as lessons learned

I think we know who couldn't be bothered looking after someone else's property 😉

I would be fuming. How disrespectful to not even mention it! OP I’d have to say something! I’d just buy a new one and message her to say this has set me back X amount, that you are disappointed and hope the cash comes your way at some point… I wouldn’t want friends like this.

I love lovevery. Really wanted the playgym but didn’t in the end. I think your friend is shit, it’s a hard lesson. I hope she returns the missing bits.

I’m very generous with friends, i rather give than lend so it doesn’t cause issues.

I think you have handled this in a mature way. Items borrowed for a short time (eg a book or dress) should be returned in exactly the same condition, but as this has been several months, some wear and tear must be accepted. However you are right to question the missing pieces and follow up as you see fit.