Husband not coming home early

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is away for work and has 2 of our 5 children with him (at his sisters house). It's about a 5 hour drive.

I had surgery on my leg 2 weeks ago and it has opened up and is oozing.

I sent a photo to my friend who is a nurse and she said it needs looking at ASAP.

we are new to this area and know no one so I have no one to watch the other 3 kids.

i called husband yesterday at 5 to ask him to come back so I could go get it checked and sent him a photo. He agreed it looked bad and said he would come home. I pushed for when and he said well can't be tonight because it's too late and the kids are getting ready for bed. Will leave tomorrow. I asked what time tomorrow and he said by the time I'm up and all sorted it will be at least 12. He's rubbish with time so this means at least 1. As it's such a long drive he always stops so wouldn't be back here until 6/7. He said he could take me to hospital then but he thinks they'll need to do something to it and so he'll take the kids home. I asked how i would get home and he said they won't make you leave Mat 10pm at night, obviously the hospital will as they don't necessarily have beds. He was just like oh well you'll have to figure it out.

i have a check up Friday anyway and it is much quicker and easier to see a doctor from this appointment so I said if I'm not going until Thursday anyway it may as well wait until Friday. He was happy with this as it meant he could finish his work Wednesday as originally planned.

i called him this morning at 9 and he was asleep called me back when he got up at 11. He's now called me and is catching up with a friend. I asked why he couldn't have come back and he said we agreed Friday was more sensible.

AIBU to feel like an afterthought and that he doesn't care about my health at all?

I'm sorry, OP

Yeh there's nothing quite like feeling like the person you've give 20 odd years of your life to and made 5 lives with couldn't care if you live or are in pain or are suffering - literally just socialising and ignoring it.

im tired and emotional but I don't think im unreasonable, despite the many responses saying I expect too much.

I can’t believe his just worried about his tiredness when your back in the hospital on drips and may need a graft.

His a pathetic excuse for a human being.

As best as you can make the most of what rest there can be in a hospital while he has to parent alone and “tired”

Your first post made it sound as though he was away on an uncancelable business trip near family and had taken your two eldest children to stay with his family in order to provide some small help to you in very difficult circumstances.
That made his actions seem quite reasonable, not ideal for anyone - least of all you - but probably as much as could possibly be done by him when facing immovable work dictates he could face consequences over.

The update he is tiling for family makes it an entirely different situation. He should have come home straight away, or actually not gone in the first place.

It is awful, awful behaviour of him.

I hope your leg heals as quickly as possible, that you aren’t in too much pain and that you get to spend a couple of days in hospital to help you recover.

This is a tough situation with 5 children, especially when one is a baby and easy for me to say ‘leave him’. But if he wouldn’t help you at your most vulnerable, after a baby and an operation how is your life better with him?

His behaviour is appalling and if his family knew you were so unwell and they didn’t tell him to head straight back home to you, theirs is too. They should have offered to take care of the older children for a week and sent him back to concentrate on the younger ones so you could concentrate on getting better.

Really glad you got medical attention @OneTwinklyBird and are being sorted out . Your “D”H is an absolute arse.

He sounds awful, and you have every right to be upset. His being so nonchalant (watching tv, losing sight of time, catching up with friends etc) in the face of a medical emergency for you (and underplaying that emergency) is just beyond the pale. And, please don't excuse his behavior as not being motivated by malice, just lack of thought. This is intentional and deliberate behaviour, even if he isn't conscious of it.

OMG OP ....fellow knee surgery patient ..tibia plateau fracture ..that photo is / was deeply worrying...I read all your posts before commenting. I'm sorry but your DP must be a fool if he didn't come running with your having a seeping open wound after surgery. People with my injury have months of infusions for infections that begin far more subtly than that. I hope you have a good plan and your healing goes really well. I cannot believe what you went through. You deserve so much better love and care 💐💐💐💐💐💐

Best of luck 🍀🍀🍀

Thank you so much for your kind words, the kindness of strangers really means so much to me right now

I'm so glad you're in hospital getting this sorted out and I'm sorry you've been let down so badly by him. It must be really hurtful.

You're definitely not being unreasonable and don't let him minimise this or gaslight you. He ignored your suffering and did what he wanted.

Completely agree with this. Read the early posts and came in to say that if it hurts, you need to get it seen to. I had surgery and the wound hurt, it wasn’t checked properly by the GP and I ended up with an infection requiring daily re-dressing. I am really sorry your husband did not grasp the severity of the situation and you certainly deserved a more urgent response and more concern from him. He had better up his game on Sunday - you are clearly used to being Supermum and I suspect he takes you for granted. 💐

DH could have come earlier, or you both could have decided he shouldn’t go full stop.

I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have called 111 or your GP for an appointment much earlier than you did, instead calling late into the evening when it was an issue at least 2 days before at a minimum.
You were able to get a taxi to the hospital after all (?!!) so you should have just gotten a taxi to the GP days before and you might have only needed a much lighter treatment option.
How the whole scenario played out is crazy, you have 5 children, you need to act a bit more independent.

Not in rural areas they're not, particularly at certain times of the day when any there are doing school runs.

School runs don't go on all day and into the evening. GPs do visits to housebound patients.

OP didn't need to wait for her husband who was five hours away and didn't want to come home. The question of whether he should have done is irrelevant. He didn't.

OP's decision to wait helplessly for a man who wasn't coming might well have caused her situation to become more dangerous.

I find it really interesting how when you ask a question on AIBU it becomes fair game to comment on everything.

my question was aibu to feel like he doesn't care.

not anything about where we live or how many kids we have or how I could get medical support but aibu to be hurt at his response

No advice from me regarding your DH but hope you recover well from your surgery. You do really get to know how good a DH/partner you have in an emergency, when you’ve recovered I think you need to have words with DH.

I thought the same. A whole lot of unnecessary drama when you took a taxi in any case. With that many children you have to learn to be more independent or expect that you both will be doing a lot alone. I mean he took 2 kids away with him. It must have been incredibly hard as you had the younger ones to manage but that comes with 5 kids I guess

But to your specific question, yes he could have been more caring

@BrownandBlueCarpet
A GP won't see a post surgical wound while you are still under the time frame for the surgical team. She needed the Hospital.
What does she do with three young children, one a baby, while she goes to hospital?
@OneTwinklyBird he now needs to step up and if he starts to want to go off somewhere, tell him he'll have to phone SS because you and your children were put in danger. Don't underestimate infection, which can lead to amputation or death via Sepsis. He should be grovelling and begging forgiveness.

He appears to be a crappy human. You deserve better and you were absolutely right to feel uncared for by him. In now way were you being unreasonable. I hope you heal well and quickly from all you injuries, both physical and emotional. I would be rethinking my attachment to him if I were you. Sending you best wishes and lots of sympathy.

I don't understand how anyone think YABU or that you could have just got a taxi with 3 young kids in tow. Who's looking after the kids while you're in surgery? My kids would be a wreck in hospital alone, even if there was a nurse available to keep an eye on them. They'd probably have to call social services I think. You can't look after 3 kids alone on a ward with a drip and a drain.

He's behaved absolutely disgustingly. He shouldn't have gone in the first place, you can't drive And can barely walk. But as soon as you said you needed to go to hospital he should have come home. There was no reason not to , he just didn't want to. He sat watching TV for hours instead of setting off. He's a fucking disgrace and I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Your circumstances are such that people on here are not going to just say, "Yes, he's a shit, you're not being unreasonable" and leave it at that.

You have shown us a photograph of a wound that appears to need immediate attention to prevent permanent and devastating damage. If you had let that happen you would have had even more problems with five children and a husband who doesn't seem to care about you.

I am pleased to know you have found help now, but your earlier posts suggested you were waiting helplessly for a man who was in no hurry to help you. You gave us reasons why you couldn't help yourself, so it's understandable that people would want to try to help you.

Were posters unreasonable to suggest ways you could help yourself, even if you hadn't specifically asked them to?

Sadly, your husband has been found wanting when you most need him and he's not going to change because the majority of posters on Mumsnet think he's a shit.

Now you know you can't depend on him, so you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your health.

Wishing you a speedy recovery. 💐

👏👏👏

OP - I hope he realises what he has put you through, and is helping you. From his past inactivity I don’t
hold out much hope though. You have been through a horrible ordeal, and some posters have made judgemental and unhelpful comments.

He’s a dick op. I hope you realise you should value yourself more than this. I know it’s hard when it’s not an ideal world and there are children and finances involved but he really acted like a selfish twat there, he gave you the same consideration he’d have given a faulty appliance by the sounds of it - you can wait till it suits him to get you fixed

I am home now, so hopefully leg will heal properly.