Husband not coming home early

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is away for work and has 2 of our 5 children with him (at his sisters house). It's about a 5 hour drive.

I had surgery on my leg 2 weeks ago and it has opened up and is oozing.

I sent a photo to my friend who is a nurse and she said it needs looking at ASAP.

we are new to this area and know no one so I have no one to watch the other 3 kids.

i called husband yesterday at 5 to ask him to come back so I could go get it checked and sent him a photo. He agreed it looked bad and said he would come home. I pushed for when and he said well can't be tonight because it's too late and the kids are getting ready for bed. Will leave tomorrow. I asked what time tomorrow and he said by the time I'm up and all sorted it will be at least 12. He's rubbish with time so this means at least 1. As it's such a long drive he always stops so wouldn't be back here until 6/7. He said he could take me to hospital then but he thinks they'll need to do something to it and so he'll take the kids home. I asked how i would get home and he said they won't make you leave Mat 10pm at night, obviously the hospital will as they don't necessarily have beds. He was just like oh well you'll have to figure it out.

i have a check up Friday anyway and it is much quicker and easier to see a doctor from this appointment so I said if I'm not going until Thursday anyway it may as well wait until Friday. He was happy with this as it meant he could finish his work Wednesday as originally planned.

i called him this morning at 9 and he was asleep called me back when he got up at 11. He's now called me and is catching up with a friend. I asked why he couldn't have come back and he said we agreed Friday was more sensible.

AIBU to feel like an afterthought and that he doesn't care about my health at all?

Well I’m calling rubbish on that one to be honest.

Zero taxis and no amenities at all near her but children ranging from nursery to primary and almost secondary? How would they all ever get to school if OP’s only option to go anywhere is to sit and wait for her DH?

It might be expensive and not ideal but there’s no way she can’t book a private car service of some sort to get to the GP. That’s just insanity.

Look, it’s not an ideal situation but I agree with getting a taxi or public transport to the hospital with the 3 kids and just dealing with it. Presumably you take them out without DH on occasions? It will be boring for them, yes, but necessary.

Some GP’s will come and do home visits, you can call 111 and explain the situation and they should help.

Even if DH took you surely he’d have to drop and leave you as he’s got the 5 kids to take home and look after?

I think living out in the sticks with 5 kids and a husband who works 5 hours away from home and you don’t drive is an absolute recipe for disaster and you both need to make long term plans to help your situation.

Sorry for my short absence, I clearly need to clarify a few things that weren't clear in my original post - its easy when the backstory is your life to forget key info. I'm going to try and be as clear as possible.

I do drive. Nowhere have I said I do not. I cannot currently as the surgery cut into my leg muscle so movement is restricted. In other circumstances I would obviously just drive myself

We did not chose where we moved to, circumstances dictated it.

He is doing work within a family members home for them, tiling a floor. I do feel it could have been left to come and help me or he should not have gone, this has been a common argument in the past where I have been left to solo parent while he helps friends and family and charges mates rates.

He will be travelling back during the night at the same time as when I called and asked him to come home. I asked him to leave immediately he said he could not and would not be able to leave until lunchtime the following day which meant I would have to be at the hospital overnight. I am annoyed he was not willing to leave that evening or early the following morning (I agree if he got back in the evening it would be difficult for the kids).

He is now travelling back at the same time he originally planned, I am internally questioning if he 'fobbed' me off so he could see his friend.

I am not doing nothing, I am asking if I am unreasonable to be annoyed that given the circumstances he didn't come straight home. He has not asked me once today how my leg is.

Like many of us who post asking do I need to see doctors it is not always easy to self assess if you need urgent medical care/gp appointment/can wait a few days. My friend was adamant immediate, my husband that it could wait.

I am fully aware of how difficult things can be with no support living in the middle of nowhere. The work at his family members was not planned, he told me in the morning he had to go and do it because they wanted it done.

I did not really agree to Friday, I cannot make him come back. If he is taking me it will be on Friday to the appointment has been made clear. He knew I was upset about this, hence the conversations about me being dramatic.

The vitriol from some on this thread is harsh. I have never said I am sitting here like I am a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued just asked if my upset at him not being concerned was valid.

Sorry this is a looonnngg post.

Oh my goodness, then yes he’s being unreasonable. He left you to do work in a family members home when you’ve had leg surgery and recovery whilst looking after 3 small kids?!

he is so unreasonable.

OP thanks for the update. I hope some of those harsh posters will agree that your husband did come across as uncaring, and not putting you first, as he should do.

I have read all of the comments and it seems I've divided opinion.

Maybe I am being unfair to expect him to show concern, ask how I am and come home as soon as was physically possible. It's something I need to reflect on, I am still upset by his reaction. But I am in pain and tired so this may be clouding my judgement.

Well, that's a hell of a drip feed.

You need to deal with your injury first and foremost - if that means taking all your kids with you in a taxi, then so be it.

But your DH sounds like a bit of a tosser and I have to wonder why you've got a newborn baby with him.

I think your recent update and backstory does help, without that info I would of said YABU but obviously now I know you’re definitely not being unreasonable

When you leave out key info and drip feed it changes opinions,

And just to clarify I think that's my big problem there was no real discernible reason he could not leave immediately. Even now he is visiting his father rather than getting on the road and yes I am dealing with it myself but that does not change my frustration at him.

His reasoning is it is easier to travel with the children at night, they sleep in car. I explained yes it was easier for him but I really need him home to help me, now. Response yes, I will leave at their bedtime. I'm not sure what else I can say or do to convey that I need him to prioritise coming home.

I think key info and drip feeding is hard, the post was already epically long. And its so easy when you know the circumstances to not realise what info is required.

I apologise if it was drip feeding, I was not trying to.

I'm not sure any of my posts are particularly coherent :(

FWIW it's worth OP, I felt you received a lot of judgemental relies which lacked in empathy. I was confused by the focus on driving and actually read back your posts to see where this was coming from but I think people were just making assumptions. Personally, I hadn't thought you couldn't drive or refused to learn, just thought clearly you can't at the moment due to your surgery which could happen to anyone.

For me, your original post was enough to get the jist and see that your husband didn't really seem to be treating your situation with any urgency or much concern. You've had surgery, you're in pain and on your own with young children and if at all possible he should be putting your well being first and that's what this is about, not where you live or how many DC you have. It sounds like the work he is doing is relatively flexible, and he could be changing plans since you need him urgently. Surely that's what marriage is about, caring about each other?

Anyway, I hope you get that wound seen to asap and it heals up soon.

Sorry I wasn’t having a go, I was just responding to the poster that started her comment “to the harsh commenters” but imo if you leave out key info then it’s not our fault if we don’t know the full picture, obviously your update shows you’re not in the wrong x I hope you manage to get your leg checked. Have you phoned 111 and ask for a home visit?

Yeah he is an arse op.

He left you after surgery to go do a mates rates job for a family member five hours away leaving you unable to drive and I assume that steady on your feet with the youngest. His an arse alone for that. The job could have waited till you were car able again. His using it as an excuse for a family meet up and chill.

His very oh well attitude to that puss and yuk on your leg is terrible as well even if you didn’t have children at home.

I thought you meant he actually had to go to work and was wondering how he wangled taking some of the children but his not working really is he. His not making his normal wage on a floor job.

In fairness it is his day job as well. He is a tiler, so we would both call it him "going to work" even if it's not a traditional 9-5 in an office.

Your husband is an arse. You need to get your leg checked out asap. Once he's home, I would book yourself into a hotel, without him and the kids for some proper recovery time.

And then I would have a come to Jesus talk with him upon your return. And I would match his energy forever more. Only give him what he's willing to give you.

I think you’re being a bit harsh - if he’s working away then he can’t just drop everything one evening and chuck two young kids in the car to drive through the night for 6 hours…?

No idea why he was still in bed until 11 though if he’s there for work? Wouldn’t he need to be at work way before then? So he’s being unreasonable not to set off first thing today with the kids.

But you’re being unreasonable again about the not staying at hospital - what do you actually expect him to do with 5 kids under 10 in a hospital for hours and hours? You’ll have to just figure out a way home after - there will be taxis at a hospital and even if you live in the middle of nowhere you’ll have to stomach the expense.

Thank you so much for this. It actually made me tear up.

I didn't think my op was that confusing but the focus on my life choices rather than answering my question hurt and the refusing to drive thing confused me completely.

I guess I have had more support on here and suggestions for other options and advice than I got from him and its that lack of care and thought that just really hurts.

Oh yes I get that being a tiler but doing it for a family member while you stay at your sisters, meet up with friends and go hang out with your dad isn’t work work.

The job itself depending on size could have been done in a day or two max during his normal work hours, The rest is a jolly.

Also if his doing it on mates rates again it’s more a favour than again work work.

If he was doing the job for anyone else he would be earning his normal wage and of been home faster rather than it becoming a family fun week.

I mean sleeping till 11am isn’t getting the job done is it.

Ask GP practice for district nurse, to at least visit & redress wound? Or even in extreme circumstances our GP practice does home visits.

That will take too long. In the circumstances the GP surgery would tell her to go to A&E. The district nurse should then be arranged for the days after she gets home

The original post was obvious about the attitude of her husband imo.

That's really what you would do? I am sorry for you. My DH would wait with the kids or come back to get me.

OP you need urgent care. You could get very unwell from that

So he still hasn't left, we just spoke and I told him the time and he was surprised, he hadn't realised it was gone 6, they hadn't had dinner yet.

His not leaving tonight is he. Tomorrow night ready for your Friday appointment as was always the plan he had.