To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Yep! Same.

To the OP: As a guest it’s not up to me to police wedding choices. If I was your friend I’d just be happy to be invited :) Congrats to your fiance by the way! ;)

She was judging you without even reading your post properly!
Her's was a proper Mumsnet reply. 😀

It wouldn't be a problem for me as I don't drink alcohol anyway - never liked it much and now I take lots of meds, so its not worth the trouble.

@PopItStar i think it’s your decision which your entitled too. However the reality is your friend is right people will leave early and that’s their choice .
It’s also their choice if they choose to drink and that choice is being made for them in this situation.
kindly op your soon to be dh will have loads of obstacles to face along his recovery .
He needs to learn to work around situations as they can’t all be removed from everyday life .
It could ruin your wedding day . How would you feel about that ?
Is it maybe best you have a quiet wedding and just family and a few friends for an alcohol free meal ?

As much as I love a drink, I'd have no problem with an alcohol-free wedding and would be happy to attend.

However, I think you should advise people in advance (with whatever terminology you think suitable) so they can make appropriate travel arrangements. I'd be quite annoyed if I'd arranged and paid for taxis, lifts, transport etc. and then discovered I could just have driven.

Edited for punctuation.

No one I know gets wildly drink, fights, falls over or is in any way a national embarrassment or a menace at family occasions.

But wine is a part of a good meal for many. It complements food and makes the meal more enjoyable. Water is just for thirst / to have something to drink with your meal, sweet soft drinks detract from many kinds of food, and alcohol-free wine is...horrible.

As for it being our dreadful alcohol culture - well yes, on holiday abroad, loud groups in pubs, football fans etc, and doubtless many weddings - but most family weddings pass off merrily rather than shamefully.

And imagine a French wedding without wine and champagne - very rare.

So all this lecturing condemnation by anti-alcohol people is a bit much.

I would absolutely happily attend an alcohol-free wedding and especially if i knew that there was a positive reason to support the families involved.

But I'd rather know in advance so that I could plan transport accordingly.

YANBU. Congratulations! Definitely warn people in advance.

How about having an early wedding with a lunchtime reception instead of an evening one? That might go down better with people who struggle to go out-out without drinking. (That doesn't include me, btw. Just a thought. Obviously, you're free to have an alcohol-free evening wedding if you wish to).

I rarely drink but I would at a wedding/evening do, just because it’s a very long day. I find mocktails very sugary and upset my stomach. I also wouldn’t really dance without a drink to loosen up. Sitting in a room with loud music sober is not fun for me, drinking takes away the edge. I probably wouldn’t stay. DH has never drunk since he was very young and finds it hard work.
Id love to go to an afternoon tea wedding party though.

Is he going to avoid places/parties/functions/celebrations where alcohol is available for the rest of his life then?

No issue whatsoever, you enjoy every minute as I’m sure you’re guests will.

I’ve been to alcohol free weddings and never found it an issue. Depending on the venue,
you may find people disappear off to the hotel bar or the local pub. Some people may leave early, but that’s just something you may have to accept.

Yes exactly this.

This. Do think carefully op, an addict is an addict for life even if they control it occasionally for periods of time.

Regarding the wedding, I rarely drink so wouldn't care but many people like a drink with a celebration so imo yabu.

But surely that is the point? The groom is in recovery and he is choosing to have his big day in a way that isn't going to trigger him or cause him stress and upset.

From personal experience most people in recovery are fine in the day to day but it's massive events like this that can cause a flash point and IMO the groom is being sensible by avoiding alcohol at HIS wedding.

Yabu, in my opinion people's weddings are pretty boring and the main thing I look forward to is the meal and being able to have a few drinks at the reception. I highly doubt you'll have as many people up dancing as you would if you had alcohol as that usually relaxes people enough to do so, and also I agree with your friend that people will likely leave early, I know I would. As far as pretend cocktails are concerned I've never seen the point, I would rather just have a glass of juice or water, it always seems very child like to pretend you're drinking cocktails to me. However I get your view point that you and your dp don't drink and nor do you want the temptation for him. It's a tricky one but on the whole id let people have drinks and expect your dp to use his willpower to abstain.

You don’t think he deserves one day where he doesn’t have to think about that?

The thing about weddings is whatever you do you will upset someone so do what you want safe in the knowledge that the outcome will be the same whatever!

Congrats on your wedding and I think it's wonderful that your DP is doing so well and you are supporting him. If people don't like it they don't have to come.

Probably not, but his own wedding? I think he’s entitled to do as he pleases and avoid the temptation of alcohol and using it to steady nerves. Or have to explain to everyone that offers him an alcoholic drink that he doesn’t want one. I’m not sure that this level of being centre point of a celebration will ever happen again.

So let’s have some respect for him, on his occasion.

Someone you knew and liked enough to be invited to their marriage and you would pick being able to have a wine over going to it? That's fucking mental.

While I know perfectly well how to enjoy myself sober, thank you, I would personally find that spending several hours among people I likely wouldn't choose to spend so long around (because obviously I'd be a supportive friend of the couple and try to put on my social face) is a bit of an endurance test rather than an enjoyable activity.

If all weddings were alcohol free there wouldn't be half as many amusing threads on mumsnet about the disasters and disgusting behaviour caused by people going bonkers with booze at weddings. It's deeply shocking how a significant number of otherwise sensible adult people believe it's impossible to have a good time without so drunk you lose all control. (Wasn't there a thread recently mentioning someone pooing themselves on the dancefloor at a wedding?)

Use the wedding invites to inform prospective guests that the wedding will be alcohol free. Get someone who knows how to make delicious mocktails and you might even convert some of the people who consider it "sad" and "dull" not to offer consciousness altering substances at a major celebration.

Just state it on the invitations.

I think this is absolutely fine and a good idea. I don‘t think people will think you‘re being tight. I would tell people in advance in the format some have suggested. Most people will be happy to go without alcohol (many will be driving etc anyway). But if you know in advance you can prepare for it mentally rather than be expecting a booze up and then suddenly it‘s not that.

I can't help now and wonder who attended my wedding only because it was an opportunity to drink and have fun for free and couldn't have cared less that the event was about me and OH getting married... It's actually quite an eye opener to look at it this way!

The only no-booze wedding I've been to was my friend's as she's Muslim. No one complained and we all expected it as the couple don't drink. I'd say just make sure you state it clearly on your invitations so your guests know.

I've been to lots of weddings sober when pregnant or breastfeeding, including two siblings and as a bridesmaid. I still had a fabulous time, probably enjoyed the food more, and danced my socks off.

Especially given your husband-to-be's recent sobriety (awesome, well done him!), I'd say it's essential that you set the tone and it'll help him to relax and enjoy the day.

Positive spin is also that people won't have to spend a fortune on taxis.

I love the suggestion of "for personal reasons" - you don't owe anyone the reasons. It's your wedding so you can do whatever you like in your way.