To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Yeah difficult one. I went to an alcohol free wedding once and was bored out of my mind but accept that's probably because I was young and reliant on alcohol to have fun which was my problem.

Ultimately do what pleases you.

Yes, but that presupposes they know!

I think sometimes that's what alcoholics have to do. It's a tough road.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Would you say it’s a problem if people who choose not to go to a child free wedding because they want the option to decide for themselves whether to take their kids or not? No. You wouldn’t.

I’m certain if people want a glass or juice or water they could have one! They’ll not be forced fed drinks of the couples choice.

I think leaving early or sitting there with a face like a slapped arse, because you can’t have a few wines shows you should really not accept the invite.

As youre providing alcohol free cocktails i think it sounds great. I dont always drink due to medication and I'd adore the option of alcohol free cocktails. Fancy inviting me??

I don't drink and I lived with an alcoholic, for background.I'll be completely honest.
Your friend is correct that your wedding is unlikely to have the usual atmosphere and that people may find it flat and leave early.
I'd also say that part of recovery is being able to stay sober around drinkers, so I'd be concerned if your partner felt this would be too challenging.
However, you are entitled to have the wedding you want and your guests should respect your choices. I'd just manage your expectations about the evening, or perhaps consider just a day party.

At a wedding I’m nervous around new people. I do prefer to have a glass of wine first and then I will talk to anyone (yes that’s a me problem but I’m nervous around random people)

However, I’d assume you’re pregnant (if I was the “plus one at the wedding” and the partner is supporting you by not drinking (then wondering about that’s the miscarriage issues in a few months when no baby).

I would prefer to know in advance and I’d have a wine whilst getting ready to make me less nervous speaking to random people / sat next to them at a table.

If it was culture though I could deal with it. However, only so much Coke you can drink just tell people upfront rather than the shock factor. Plus I wouldn’t want to spend £200 plus in a taxi when I could drive (that would really annoy me) and all the extras new dress, baby sitters etc.

Please have non bubble drinks too as the fizz just gets too much and bloats you in a dress 🤣

Good luck though!

You are effectively announcing that one of you has an alcohol problem.

Keep the celebration short. Its fine that people don't get to drink but then I think the party will run out of steam. I'd cut the guest list down (70 is a lot) and just have closer friends and family. Make it an afternoon tea thing. Focus on quality.

I know your wedding is all about you but I think imposing your tastes on people is difficult. You have to acknowledge that a lot of people will not enjoy themselves as they would at a party where they could let their hair down.

I totally understand your reasoning and if you want to keep it ‘low key’ I’d keep it to a half day event - ceremony and cream tea or nice lunch as pp have suggested. YABU if it goes into the evening. People don’t need alcohol, of course, but it would be a long day for some if they have to go all day booted, suited and socialising without something to wet the whistle. If not, I imagine people will leave early.

So keep it short and sweet and good luck in your marriage. It’s already starting with a compromise around his addiction, I hope he sustains his recovery and you don’t have to accommodate much more in the coming years.

I've been an event manager and wedding organiser for over 20 years. At the end of the day it should be totally up to you. The main regrets I see with event planning is when people allow their instincts to be swayed by external expectation.

However, when going against the norm it is wise to give people a headsup (you don't need to go into the detail). For example I have one this summer which doesn't involve a sit down meal of any sort; instead there will be rolling canapés throughout the day/eve. Many people limit the number of canapés they eat if they expect to be substantially fed later, so letting them know no further food is coming means they can choose to either eat in advance, or at least make sure they sample all the canapés (and there are a good number to sample!).

keeping people informed also saves having to explain things over and over on the day, which I'd personally prefer if it was my wedding!

Disclaimer.. I’m a problem drinker… 4 days sober right now … and even when in active addiction would not mind about an alcohol free wedding. I’d want to know in advance though so I don’t have to worry about booking taxis. I’ve been to an alcohol free wedding where the bride and groom were both recovering alcoholics and it was lovely. It was afternoon tea and so pretty and relaxed. Although, not going to lie, there were muttered complaints. I’d say don’t spring it on people on the day. Those for who it’s a deal breaker can stay away.

It’s your wedding so absolutely do as you wish, particularly given your fiancée’s past struggles with alcohol, however I think you should let guests know prior, for a lot of people, myself included, it’s a chance to relax and although I’d probably have no more than two or three glasses of wine, the thought of an alcohol free wedding is awful!

Is he going to be getting married for the one time in his life at every place/party/function/celebration for the rest of his life then?

I dont think I've ever seen a series of posts genuinely get more stupid consistently as they go across a thread. It's actually impressive to be fair.

I am curious that your friend does not know your DP's history . situation?

Do close family and friends know?

How many of your guests know of your DP’s past alcohol problem and his sobriety? Presumably family and close friends know. So there will no doubt be some discussion/ questions raised from less close friends who don’t know and unless you swear everyone who knows to secrecy, then the personal details about your DP are likely to emerge. How will he feel about that on his big day?

I like this idea too. If you want bubbles there are some really good zero alcohol options, I'd recommend Kylies white or rose sparkling drinks, unless of course you can't have something that's too similar to alcohol, then elderflower and sparkling water would be a nice alternative. Then you can go on your honeymoon and the guests can go to a bar or something to carry on into the evening

I’d be disappointed at the fact no alcohol would be there, not so much for the fact that I couldn’t drink (everyone seems to get married when I’m pregnant so I’ve had to be sober at a fair few and still had an amazing time with no hangover the next day!) but I’d be worried that other people wouldn’t get up and dance and let their hair down if there was no alcohol.
If your group of friends and family would be fine getting up and dancing alcohol-free then not a problem! But if not it could just be a bit boring and I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t just drive home early (hopefully I’m wrong).

Definitely let people know way in advance, so that people can make an informed decision about whether they get accommodation for the evening or drive home as they’ll be sober. I would be really pissed off if I spent loads on accommodation and then found out that I’d be sober to drive home anyway.

And great job to your future husband on his recovery.

Your friend is correct that your wedding is unlikely to have the usual atmosphere and that people may find it flat and leave early
Tell that to Muslim people... Their wedding will be flat and there'll be no one left after 8pm...or maybe they just know how to have fun without alcohol and their weddings are actually more enjoyable without the downfalls that come with alcohol.

Your wedding your choice, same as child free weddings. I would definitely attend in these circumstances, wouldn't bother me personally. However, I would tell people in advance, then it's their choice to attend or not to. Also, I've always found that mostly people don't like to dance until they've had a couple of drinks, so if a full dance floor is important to you, then I would take that into consideration. I'm also mindful of the venue - do they know you intend not to have any alcohol.

I've been to a dry wedding and it was a brilliant day. The couple made it clear on the invites that they, as a family did not drink and that no alcohol would be served at the wedding. No other details divulged. Went, it was cheap, no one was arsey about no alcohol, drove home after and best of all no hangover the next day. It's your wedding OP enjoy it, just give people the heads up first.

Or announcing that they’ve beaten the addiction and intend to keep it that way. A thing to be celebrated!

I would be of the opinion that it actually adds more stress. It makes gossip about his circumstances inevitable and maybe he doesn't want that either. I don't know if his treatment and recovery is known to everyone on the guest list. If so, that's fine, if not, there will be talk!

I agree with the suggestions of a brunch type event. Over after lunch or something. A teetotal wedding that follows the usual norms will be a long day and night for most people, including the groom.

And unless the wedding is in a barn or tent out in the wilds, there will be alcohol available somewhere nearby anyway for those who want it. A big handbag for the ladies who want to smuggle a bottle is not impossible either!

I think you're perfectly reasonable, BUT how are you going to stop people from sneaking booze in?

Absolutely the right thing to do. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if some people will leave early without the booze.