To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Yes i do wonder if this is an age thing and when people think wedding they think of booze and messy evenings!!

I think times have changed and hopefully people will have a more flexible mindset.

I do like a drink but would always respect my friends and family if they chose an alcohol free event. The same for friends with severe allergies - I wouldn’t have a big old strop and demand nuts just because it’s my night off and I deserve nuts so I bloody well will have nuts! 😆. (Losing the will now as you can see 🤪 might go get a drink)

You are really not coming across as very bright here.

To demonstrate how difficult it will be to actually have an Alcohol Free Wedding. People can and will work around bans on anything.

I don't know about you, but sitting in a dry venue for hours on end does not fill me with enthusiasm. So (if I drank, which I don't), I would be scheming ways of getting around the ban. And I bet I wouldn't be the only one.

In theory the idea of a AF wedding is fine, but in reality - unless it's in a tent in a remote field, it's a safe bet that some will rebel and try to get around the ban. Could be good fun for some to see if they could get away with it!

I'm a shining light in the darkness of Puritanism.

Don't worry about it I can see from your other posts that you would judge me so it would have been much easier if you just came out and said that. Luckily I'm not sanctimonious so I will try not to judge you for being so.

I think your DF needs to be open about his recovery and that it's the reason for an alcohol free and sober event.

"Please respect that the day must be alcohol-free and sober to support on-going recovery"; no alcohol will be served and may not be brought in"
~with gratitude, the PopitStars

Well I would judge the loved one for not being upfront about the fact they have made quite a fundamental decision on how I am to spend my time. Infact I would be mighty pissed off. In essence hoodwinking me to attend an event where they get to dictate what I consume.

They have the right to decide what is best fpr them and thier event, I have the right to decode I am going to join them.

Like I said, I might decide to drive, not stay over, leave after the meal, or see how it goes if I liked them enough. Or make other plans where I can exercise my autonomy.

By ‘pure’ I just mean you seem very… principled.

Hey @PopItStar totally with you. It makes perfect sense. It’s your day and you don’t want alcohol being a part of it. There is so much more to a wedding than alcohol!

You know your guests best as people. From your description of the guests it doesn’t sound like lots of second/third cousins or distant colleagues who are just there to party. I had around 70 at my wedding and it was fairly intimate.

A word of warning, a family friend had a vegetarian wedding. The FoB complained to the caterers on the day and the caterers started having out bacon sandwiches! They felt their job was to satisfy the guests rather than follow the menu. After this experience, I would make sure you are extremely clear with the venue/bar as obviously they will have the ability to serve alcohol so will have to hold fast if someone complains!

I was nervous about alcohol at our wedding as I hate drunk people. We had fizz to toast, two bottles of wine per table and £1000 behind the bar (including soft drinks). People drank the fizz. My mother still had loads of the table wine and only about £300 hour spent at the bar and it was mostly soft drinks. The dance floor was packed the whole night!

You need to work on your comprehension.

😂😂😂 just what I was thinking!

Weddings are boring unless you are part
of the wedding party. I personally would attend the wedding ceremony and then leave. I’m not a big drinker but if I’m at a celebration I’d expect to be able to have a drink and boogie.

Of course it is their prerogative. As it is mine to find it odd to base attending a wedding on if alcohol will be served.

I think it’s totally fine and it wouldn’t bother me BUT you definitely need to let people know in advance because otherwise many of them might be organising taxis or hotels on the expectation of a big night.

I think people go to weddings expecting it’ll be a good knees up with lots of alcohol, laughs, dancing and ensuing hangovers. Even people who don’t usually drink will go along knowing they can watch the comedy of those who do.

As long as you explain up front, I think it’ll be fine and you’re not being unreasonable at all. I like the ‘for personal reasons’ line but I also think that if your DH was willing to be more open about his journey, you’d have a lot more people who would be on board and who would also start thinking about their own relationship with booze. There’s nothing like a true life story to help people think about their own lives!

Fair enough, I see you're channelling Charles II

I have a lot of time for that.

I'd happily go to the wedding and afternoon bit but most likely ditch at the early evening stage.
Someone earlier mentioned like an afternoon tea vibe which would be lovely if you're doing alcohol free.

I would hate it. Weird and controlling.

You may not like this but it's your husband to be's problem, not everyone else's. Why have a big celebration, you could have chosen something different and just invited close family and friends who know about his situation. Like it or not, celebrations usually involve alcohol, so give advance warning. You'll probably find guests will bring a hip flask and nip out for a crafty swig, leave early, find the nearest pub etc.
The point of throwing a big bash is for other people to celebrate too. Why have an evening do if you don't want them to do what is usually normal and drink alcohol?
Your husband to be's secret wont be a secret any longer, most people will work it out.

Actually I read somewhere that pubs make the most profit per glass on soft drinks because the mark up is massive when they have it on tap.

Remember the quote “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.

People who know and love you will know you don’t drink, even if they don’t know the reason. I understand wanting to keep some things private, but I think it’s fine to head off any pushback by saying something along the lines of

“To honour our journey of sobriety, we will be hosting an alcohol-free celebration, complete with mocktails and soft drinks”

It implies that there’s a history which is totally justified to avoid alcohol, but nobody needs to know who it is, whether it’s one of you, close family/friends etc.

@PopItStar I grew up in a culture that only held dry weddings, granted they weren't big evening dos, just the wedding and a meal, all in the day time. I've never acclimatised to the evening do bit of traditional English weddings, I think they're tedious. My DH is teetotal, I'm not, but we would both be v comfortable at a dry wedding.

I wouldn’t mind at all. I can take or leave alcohol. If someone told me I could never have another drink again, I wouldn’t care. Unlike cake!
However, I come from a family who are big on drinking socially, and they would absolutely HATE this idea. To most Scots, particularly Glaswegians like my family, weddings are absolutely synonymous with having a drink.
I’m not saying it’s right. But that’s how others may feel.

I would imagine that you could have guests heading to the pub after the ceremony, then arriving half pissed to the meal. I don't see guests hitting the dance floor if sober either. Possibly deep down, you may be making sacrifices/minimising your own needs for your husband to be re serving alcohol/giving up alcohol yourself. I am sure he's come a long way re soberity but think long and hard about marriage to an alcoholic.

Imagine alcohol not being available as being the reason to not go to a celebration a dear friend has hosted.

You have just accelerated the RESTORATION of my faith in human nature.