To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Will be fine. I went to one almost 2yrs ago. Same reason. Groom recovering alcoholic

had mock tails - coffee wagon etc

yes some of his family moaned and quite frankly if they can’t come for a few hours with no booze , they have an issue

let alone can’t support their relative in his sobriety

Makes you wonder how weddings ever take place around the world in cultures where they dont drink, given some of the answers on here.

I was going to say YABU because it’s poor hosting not to provide even if you don’t drink yourself but with your partner being a recovering alcoholic I think that is different and people should understand

It would not bother me but I would like to know in advance only because I may choice not to get a taxi or of I lived nearby may go home rather than stay in a hotel that night due to lack of transport options.

Unfortunately if you do tell people they may sneak in there own so you have to weigh up that too. Only you and the groom really know your guests and if they would do so.

If I was invited to am afraid wedding I would not necessarily assume that the Bride or Groom had an issue with alcohol but that maybe someone close to them did.

Anyone who can't go for one event without drinking should get over to AA.

Of course it's absolutely fine to have a wedding without alcohol or meat or drugs or music or anything else you personally need to avoid. I'd be pretty disgusted with anyone who criticised. You have to prioritise your sobriety and having people going "just one, it's your wedding day" will be very hard to take. Compare it to having a toxic ex present and having to talk to them, completely unnecessary and unkind.

It's a fairly stark choice at the end of the day though.

The extreme positions are either having as your priority making the day the way you want it. Or prioritising your guests having the best time possible.

You can't demand or expect your all guests to have a good time if they are prohibited from something they would normally expect to do. Not all of the guests of course, but a proportion of them.

So 3 choices :

i) Either prioritise the guests.

ii) Prioritise your own wishes.

iii) Make some compromise between the two positions.

It's all about being happy with the choices you make and accepting the consequences of the outcome.

Considering MN is full of people who will argue til the cows come home that drinking a bottle of wine every night is perfectly fine, I am surprised at how much support you had on here.

Its your wedding. Do it the way you want to. No one needs alcohol anywhere and if anyone is a CF enough to complain or say its expected, tell them to fuck off.

Alcohol free wine and beer?

Seriously?

MN full of ppl who think a thimble of sherry on Christmas is a worrying sign...

Agreed , I’ve only read a portion of the replies but at least 2 people said ‘I can’t dance sober’ , well that says a lot about you and your relationship with alcohol then . Personally if you aren’t having evening only guests @PopItStar I’d just call it a day after the meal , which is what we did at our small wedding (50 people) .

It’s your wedding do whatever the hell you want.

randomly I spoke to someone who runs a wedding venue recently and they had just held an alcohol free wedding. The bar did alcohol free beers and wines. They had a sign up at the bar saying no alcohol to be served. Some people did complain at the bar but most people were fine with it. But honestly if people can’t get through a wedding without a drink maybe they should get the number of whoever helped your DP recover.

Beer I mentioned upthread which just about meets the mark.

AF wine - abomination. A nice cup of tea in preference please.

I was answering someone who seemed to think the mention of Horlicks as a hot drink option meant you had to just drink that over and over. I was explaining there are a range of hot drinks if you prefer those. Which I do.

I think it says more about a persons relationship with dancing in public, tbh

Loads of people don’t like dancing (I do - DH doesn’t). It doesn’t mean they have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol if they don’t want to dance sober and can only be persuaded to after a few drinks. It’s ok.

I’m only taking realistically rather than some utopian situation where people who don’t normally dance are happy to sober.

I maintain that the dancefloor will be quiet. That’s ok. You may find that sad. But that’s how it will be.

Is there any chance some of the guests will just bring a bag with them instead op? 😂😂

Not sure what id prefer, a few tipsy guests or having my ears chewed off all night.

😂😂😂

Some of these replies are brilliant! Mumsnet is an excellent place to witness sanctimonious women coming together to preach to the masses. Love it! You go girls!

I wouldn’t go to the expense of attending, staying in a hotel, travelling, arranging childcare etc to go to an alcohol free wedding. A wedding is a rare occasion which is always a nice excuse for me and DH to get away and enjoy ourselves (and yes, shock horror, that includes a few drinks 😱) neither of us are alcoholics just to caveat for the pearl clutchers and stunt non-drinkers.

But OP, its your wedding, you do! Congratulations and have a lovely day

Surprised by some of the responses. It's your wedding. Making it alcohol free is your choice, and it's a good idea, in my view.

Even speaking as a lover of dark beer with a pronounced tendency to drink to numb my flight response and sensory issues in social situations, it sounds like a good idea, as well as expressing something about yourselves.

(Do people really go to weddings hoping they'll be the same as every other wedding they've been to, with as little of the bride and groom's actual personalities showing through the service-reception-toasts-more-food-drunk-disco ritual as possible?)

The mocktails could be lovely -- much nicer than bargain bottom shelf Chardonnay. I'd feel spoiled with a big jug of a mango/pineapple/coconut concoction to myself for sure.

I can't remember if you said you'd sent the invitations out. If not, perhaps you could add a couple of lines describing the plans for the reception, including the no alcohol factor? That (advance notice of a plan) is good for many neurodivergent people, as well as the ones who count on drinks being available at weddings in large amounts.

Perhaps also think of adapting any activities e.g. dancing which might normally rely on inhibited people being drunk so that the activities include more prompts/guidance (like the caller at a ceilidh) or replace with something else.

One of them was an election count so you can’t really ban people going forwards. One of the worst offenders was an election agent.

But honestly if people can’t get through a wedding without a drink maybe they should get the number of whoever helped your DP recover.

I think this is such a daft take to be honest, I very rarely drink, never usually at home, so maybe once every 2-3 months if that, but if I go out in an evening I really enjoy having a drink, I like how relaxed and social other people are when they've had a drink too.. I don't need to drink to have a good time, I just prefer it, not drinking in the daytime wouldn't bother me at all, but I would not really be looking forward to the evening do without being able to have a few drinks.

OP doesn't want to tell people why, which is perfectly reasonable, but I think people are going to be asking/talking about it because it is an unusual choice, and it will become a focus point, which seems to be what they don't want!

It would be less of an issue if they had a dry daytime and a bar in the evening, they are only going to be at the evening do for 2 hours, in which they are going to be talking and chatting to people constantly, if he can happily be around alcohol and people drinking usually, I can't really see the point in banning your guests from drinking, especially after you've left!

I wouldn’t go to the expense of attending, staying in a hotel, travelling, arranging childcare etc to go to an alcohol free wedding.

So is the main thing about a wedding, the alcohol on offer? If you were happily going to a loved-one’s wedding and then found out that there was no alcohol, that would make you pull out? Just checking I have understood.

So what’s become clear is the people who need a drink don’t need one because they’re drunks, but rather because they’ve got no lives and rarely leave the house. I bet they’re the same people as the annoying ‘festive’ drinkers.

I have just checked with a few (drinking) members of Gen Z who happen to be in my house! They say that they would prefer a wedding with alcohol. But ofc they would go to it if it was dry. Anyone who refuses needs to ‘get a grip’. This obsession with alcohol at events is quite old-fashioned now I think.

It’s a fantastic, supportive idea, have a lovely day and a long happy sober marriage!

the key word there is 'I'.

Those are where your boundaries for what is 'odd' lie, someone else might have completely different ones - they could use the exact same argument people on this thread are, e.g. a wedding being all about celebrating a new family, and therefore say it is completely illogical and unfair to not invite their guests' family members solely because they're under 18. Your boundaries are no more universally right or wrong than anyone else's

Everyone is different and has different priorities. If no alcohol is what pushes an invite into the 'no thanks' territory for someone, that's their prerogative, as are those who make the same judgement based on whether they can bring their kids, how far they have to travel, the dress code, religion and type of ceremony, how well they know the couple getting married, how many other people they'll know there, or anything else.

The whole concept of a wedding is ‘old fashioned’.
Also proud mum to Gen Z’s, I won’t ask them their opinion on this though, as it’s mumsnet- not tictok.