To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

I agree with others. Start earlier and finish up about 7ish especially if you’re going to head off anyway.
id have no issue with a dry wedding as long as I knew. I wouldn’t stay over at the venue (like I normally would) as I’d just drive home unless it was more than a 2 hour drive.

id rethink the entertainment. There’s nothing worse than nobody dancing and I’d say most people would only dance after a few. Maybe a quiz/ casino/ outdoor games or just generally something more interactive. Weddings are quite boring at the best of times.

It's the principle, enforcing her addict dp's necessary lifestyle on others.

What next, no desert as bride is on a diet? Guests are guests and should be given free choice.

I rarely drink and the last few weddings I've been to haven't but I absolutely respect the right of others to make their own choices.

I'm disappointed at the number of posters who said that they wouldn't attend a dry wedding.

I enjoy a glass or two of wine, but as a driver I often go out and don't drink, so it wouldn't bother me.

I agree with posters who have suggested an afternoon tea where there would be less expectation of being served alcohol.

I think the evening would be tricky though and people might leave early. A poster made a very good point about advising guests about there being no alcohol, so that drivers wouldn't waste money on taxis.

It has also occurred to me that some of the guests might get a little aggressive with the bar staff when they refuse to serve alcohol.

It is to be hoped that there will be a good selection of "grown up" soft drinks - alcohol free beers, Nozeco and alcohol free gin plus sparkling water.

Agree with the above OP, you can't expect people to stay until 9-10pm with no drinks. I think you need to accept that you might be there until 9-10pm but with a venue that's 90% emptied by then.

In that situation I would head out somewhere else by 6pm or leave early to relieve the babysitter and see my kids before they go to bed.

You can't stop people leaving when they want to.

I knew someone who had a Thursday wedding and were upset when people started leaving early, but people had already taken one day off and were back in work on the Friday.

You know, I've often thought that the more judgemental and finger wagging a poster is about another person having a drink, the more it is a cover up for over indulgence by the finger wagger themselves!. 😊

Nobody is enforcing it on them, don't be so ridiculous. They are not being 'forced' to attend!

I’d ageee with this, also think through how far people have to travel as it will indicate when they will leave by. I’d aim to have a different type of wedding, and shut it down early, you leave and they can then do as they please.

I think the idea itself is fine and reasonable. It will all be in the execution.

I don't think you should expect it to be identical to a typical wedding, it won't be and that's fine. I agree with a PP who suggested bringing all the timings earlier - partly due to your plans the next day and partly because many people are likely to drive home rather than staying over.

I also like the suggestion of games or other activities, things like giant Jenga - these would help keep people entertained, and suit both adults and kids.

I'd like hot drinks as well as mocktails etc, I can't drink too many sweet drinks but always appreciate a tea/coffee if not drinking booze.

Lots of people have focussed on the dancefloor but I don't think OP specifically mentioned a dancefloor. At my wedding, we couldn't have a dancefloor as the venue, a very unusual building, did not have a licence for amplified music. Instead, we had a string quartet playing, which was quite nice entertainment. I think something like that, live music but with a chilled vibe rather than your typical wedding/party band, might suit the situation well.

Calm down.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but I'm a bit like you in that I rarely drink and my husband is tee-total. I'm always happy to offer to be the designated driver! But, everyone else in my family would slowly start migrating to the nearest bar/pub/off-licence and I think sadly that this how most people are in the UK. There was a party recently not far off a wedding celebration, and even with (cheap) alcohol available at the event, or an option to bring your own, I know there were drinks in the hotel in advance and a few who went to the pub down the road before arriving about an hour after the stated start time (there was no need to be there on the dot, but messages were being sent asking where some people were!). There's an expectation arounds things like weddings that there will be drinking involved. If you are planning on sticking to the no alcohol rule, then you need to let people know (well) in advance to manage expectations (and don't be surprised if there are some hip flasks and/or sneaking off to the cool box in the back of a car etc).

Whatever you say, dear.

This is my experience too, my family would be considered all respectable, no one would get drunk etc at a wedding, but there is no doubt they would go for a drink before the ceremony and then likely after when photos being taken.

they’d then stick around for early evening, make polite small talk then head someplace else or head home.

Ultimately, no one has to go to a wedding. I agree with that.

I would find it odd to refuse to go to a friend or family members wedding because it is one vegan meal or one party without alcohol whereas financial reasons are more understandable. I also find it odd when people are personally offended if their child isn't invited and they say if their child doesn't go then they don't go.

I think it’s fine if you forewarn people.
you’ve said yourself you will be leaving the wedding early as you are not ‘party people’ arguably most people after a long day of chatting and mingling will also be tired and will leave early. That’s the vibe of the wedding and that is perfect and fine.

But what I don't understand is why they would have an evening do and provide food in the evening then, if they are

• not party people
• will be leaving at 9pm themselves
• they are aware a large number of English people are to self conscious to start dancing without having a couple of drinks to relax them a bit first. Then there will be others who won't get up because the dance floor isn't very full.

If there isn't going to be much of a 'party' (which is fine) then why not have a lovely afternoon reception and finish it there? There is no law that says you have to have an evening party. Just have the ceremony, the photos, the meal, the speeches, a bit more mingling, then put on the invitations' timeline "8pm, Bride and Groom Depart".

the odd thing is having a half heated party for half an evening. Either do it or don't do it.

I’m agree with those saying to finish it a bit earlier. Especially if you are heading off early. What music is it? If it’s background music playing during dinner etc then fine.

If it’s live music like a band and a dancefloor then that might be a flat. Your money might be better spent elsewhere.

I think the afternoon tea idea then finishing around 7 is good

They are not being allowed a choice with alcohol. That isn't what you do with guests, control what they consume.
I wonder what they'll do at christmas or bbqs, no booze allowed as dp now dry?

I think its optimistic to expect most people to still be there to see you off at 10pm and then go to the pub if they wish. I think a few will slip away before then. I'm not a big drinker but do drink at social events and I'm picturing a very sedate evening do - I think you've been given good advice by other posters to end it earlier to avoid a dead dancefloor/conversation starting to run dry.

I wouldn't be looking forward to a sober wedding sorry. Your husband has done very well but part of sobriety is being in situations around alcohol and being able to cope with it.

I have worked AF weddings and they have all had people sneaking in booze. Some people really cannot imagine going to a party without a drink, its pathetic. At one there was a couple of cars with loads of booze in the boot, more people ended up outside than in the venue, loads of pissed up people. The bride was in tears (I got the impression that alcoholism had caused the death of a close relative and her family had form for overdoing it) so they ended the wedding early and left. It ruined what was a beautiful (and very expensive) wedding.

It DOES happen I am sorry to say. So you really might need to think about how you would handle that if it did happen.

It's their wedding. Food will be there. No alcoholic drinks will be there. It's how they want to do it and that's fine.

Of course the host controls what the guests consume.

The host decides what food and drink is on offer - guests don’t have free reign to choose whatever they like, just what the host has chosen to provide.

Would you also object to the host being “controlling” if they offered beef for the wedding meal instead of chicken? Or had sponge cake rather than traditional fruit cake for the wedding cake?

I would come but no way would I stay til 10pm. Having a few drinks that conversation flows, the night is broken up by getting up for a dance and time flies. It would be a looong day without a couple of wines. Sorry OP. I agree with earlier suggestions of having a chilled afternoon reception and finishing up early, say 7/8pm. That sounds lovely.

Actually that’s a good point. If you’re going to be leaving say by 9, why don’t you say alcohol available at paid bar at 9 and you both leave. I’m guessing you’ve told the venue they can serve alcohol after you go?

I agree. If the couple are not party people then don’t have a late party. Do
something more fitting like afternoon tea.

You can’t expect most other people to be ‘party people’ until late with mocktails. There’s only so many sugary soft drinks people can drink.
I’d stick to water. I’d be happy to do so for the reasons stated but I wouldn’t be partying until late.

Of course you can, & some weddings are alc-free for religious reasons so it's not entirely unusual in the UK