To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

I think the interesting thing about the OP is she says she doesn't really drink, only occasionally at Christmas and weddings. So by saying so is acknowledging that weddings is when people would expect to have a drink even if they're not usually regular drinkers.

He probably will be at some point, but not just yet.
Honestly, anyone who stropped off from my wedding early because they couldn't have an alcoholic drink, I wouldn't miss them.

Of course stick to your alcohol-free plan. It's your wedding, and your family and friends will want it to go as you want it, surely. If it is made clear on the invitation, i am sure guests who accept will respect your choice without needing lengthy explanations. Just do it your way and your fiance's, OP, Have a lovely day when it happens. 💐

Everyone will take their own alcohol? At my wedding (was alcohol there) a family member had set up a bar in their hotel room!

and if someone on here posted 'AIBU to not go to my friend's wedding because DC aren't invited - it would mean paying £100s of pounds for an all day babysitter (as well as £30x2 for a taxi each way, money for an outfit, £100 for a present, etc...) most people would be understanding and say 'If the B&G choose not to invite kids they should expect some people might refuse the invite."

Same with a wedding abroad, or one with a strict dress code, or perhaps a religious one the invitee feels uncomfortable about, or a wedding held on an awkward date (i.e. a week before Christmas, or midweek, or the weekend of the FA cup final, or whatever).

Yet it's only people who wouldn't go to an alcohol free wedding that are accused of being addicts, unable to have fun without a drink, bad friends, boring, etc.!

Surely the same rules apply to all - the people getting married can decide on whatever they want for their wedding, but have to accept that their choices will impact on whether people want to come or not - and if people don't want to come all that means is they don't want to come to that particular event, it doesn't say anything else about their personality or their relationship with the couple.

I think it’s fine if you forewarn people.
you’ve said yourself you will be leaving the wedding early as you are not ‘party people’ arguably most people after a long day of chatting and mingling will also be tired and will leave early. That’s the vibe of the wedding and that is perfect and fine.

I don’t love the judgement on this thread. There is a middle ground between not drinking and getting smashed and badly behaved. It’s ok to enjoy a few glasses of wine with a meal in a social setting. It’s understandable why it’s not offered in this situation.

Those that don’t drink are not superior to those that can enjoy a few glasses of wine and stop. It’s also ok to say you don’t fancy dancing sober or staying up really late partying on mocktails. If I’m not drinking I would leave a little earlier as I’d get tired.

I know quite a lot of people who don’t drink. Most of them come to a party for an hour or so and go. Which is absolutely fine.

I bet the venue is delighted 🤣

Could you have the bar serving alcohol and the main room alcohol free ? You could ask the venue to keep the bar shut until the dinner is over.

That might be a reasonable compromise.

That would be so disrespectful and unkind,

I can as well! It's just dancing.

No one is disputing that, I think you’re confused. AT a religious wedding it is the cultural norm to have no alcohol. This is not the cultural norm,. She hasn’t told them no booze, and she also needs to inform them to not bring and drink their own, without telling them why. You can’t expect people to follow the rules if you don’t tell them the rules.

just popping back quickly.

i know realistically i can’t completely stop people drinking if they really wanted to. if someone absolutely decided to sneak something in a bag or whatever then i suppose they could. i can’t police 70 people.

but i would hope our friends and family would respect us enough not to do that, especially knowing it’s something we’ve chosen for the day. and either way we’re not going to be providing alcohol or paying for it.

and as i said earlier we will be letting people know beforehand so it’s not like it’s some surprise when they arrive.

also if people want to go out afterwards that’s completely fine. we’re not expecting everyone to sit there sober all night on our behalf. there are plenty of pubs nearby and once we’ve left people can obviously do whatever they like.

we will probably head off around 9 or 10pm anyway. partly because of the early flight the next morning and partly because that sort of feels like a natural end point for us.

re telling people the reason, DP is quite a private person and it’s not really my story to tell. the people closest to him already know and have been very supportive, but i/we don’t plan on announcing it more widely just for the sake of explaining the wedding choice.

it feels like his personal business really.

Mumsnet is collectively puritanical about alcohol. The general consensus seems to be that once you become a parent, social drinking and worse, enjoying it, is the sad act of immature alcoholics. And that goes for their husbands too.

I'm not a social drinker yet I do find the sanctimony here off putting and quite unlike anything I encounter in rl.

Id go for the wedding and meal. I doubt I’d stay over, and would probably end up leaving earlier, so I guess it would save a bit of money. I rarely drink often, but a wedding is somewhere that I would enjoy having a drink or two with friends, and letting my hair down. I try to avoid sugar, so I’d rather just have a Diet Coke than mocktails.

Why wouldn’t you go to an alcohol free wedding? Are you incapable of having a nice time without a drink?

I love a few wines at a party! Most people can’t drink more than 1-2 mocktails. They’re usually quite fruit juicy

I live in Ireland and I would say an alcohol free wedding would be pretty much unheard of although as a non drinker myself it wouldn’t bother me one bit. I’m going to a wedding in September and know the people at my table will be saying “Whaaaat, you don’t drink?” all day long.

I agree you don’t need to tell them, but do need to recognise they will guess.

i also think if you make it clear it is both a dry venue but you don’t wish people to drink at all during it, then they will respect that. I would, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t, if you didn’t say don’t drink at all, I probably would drink, as I’d just think it was a weird venue thing or money.

This is a great suggestion. Do an afternoon tea

I love it. I've been to many Asian weddings where alcohol isn't present, and they still have a great time!

I don't drink much past 1 or 2 proseccos at Christmas and so I'd be on board with your idea. Some of your guests might not, but that's on them.

also if people want to go out afterwards that’s completely fine. we’re not expecting everyone to sit there sober all night on our behalf. there are plenty of pubs nearby and once we’ve left people can obviously do whatever they like.

I mean this gently but they can also do what they want when you’re still there, they can nip out for a drink someplace else and come back. I don’t think you can tell them they are not permitted to leave before you and have to sit there sober till you leave.

If you haven’t sent invites yet I’d rethink the setup as I think you’ll have people asking over and over again. Having the full wedding setup for hours and hours without alcohol is genuinely going to be pretty surprising for most and you’ll waste a lot of money. I think having it much earlier and shorter in the day would be lovely and avoid the endless questions and speculation.

The amount of people on this thread basically announcing that they have an alcohol problem by saying they wouldn't be able to enjoy an alcohol-free wedding!

OP, it's fine. It's unfashionable to drink these days anyway. And the key point is... Your DP's recovery is way more important than someone's need to drink alcohol on a single occasion. If people can't support you at your wedding, they might not be worth having in your life tbh.

Who said I drink to get drunk? Not me 🤷🏻‍♀️

She's behind the times, alcohol free is all the rage now
Suggest giving people a heads up that it's alcohol free for personal reasons you're not going into otherwise they'll wreck your head with questions on the day