To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

Lots of people will think it odd to not have alcohol at a wedding when there’s no clear reason but I know those that know someone is a recovering alcoholic will completely understand the no alcohol. Your friend reacted like that because she doesn’t know the history.

It’s your wedding you do whatever you want or don’t want, if someone doesn’t like it then they can decline the invite. Although I would make it clear before the day there’s no alcohol for those people who need time to adjust at the idea of an alcohol free wedding lol

I’m not ‘sober’ in the sense that I’m a recovering alcoholic or anything but I rarely drink - maybe about 4/5 times a year and even then it’s a glass of wine with a meal with friends. If I have a ‘drink’ at home it would be one homemade cocktail in the summer - usually frozen so lots of fruit etc, or I will choose to have AF wine/spirits and mixer. I actually hate the culture where I live (west of Scotland) of going to a wedding and being expected to drink/be totally pissed. I’d much rather take the car and have soda water and lime or a nice mocktail. I think if you’ve got lots of lovely cordials and options for mocktails (ie not just diet coke), guests will love it! I’d love a wedding with a mocktail bar or something, where I could make a soda spritz and still have all the accoutrements 😂

I got married 2 years ago and didn’t drink at all - had about 1/4 of a glass of the obligatory prosecco while getting ready vvv early then switched to sparkling water! People kept trying to buy me drinks all night and I was just so excited because my venue did bottles of Appletizer 😂😂. I think your wedding sounds lovely, OP, and I’m wishing you and your partner all the best with your big day, and his wider journey. X

And we wonder why we have a problem with alcohol in the UK. And for people who seem to be so desperate for a drink they bring in hip flasks - what is wrong with you? Its never just going for a drink is it even if the bar is there. People get pissed, make fools of themselves and what a lovely memory the bride and groom have.

The last wedding I went to the best man got so drunk he couldnt do his speech and was eventually carried up to his room in the hotel by the ushers who thought it was very funny

I don't think that's fair in this situation. I'm terribly allergic to shellfish so I didn't have any at my wedding as then I would be at risk. Would lots of my guests like shellfish? Probably - my husband loves it. But that doesn't mean I need to provide a less comfortable atmosphere for myself instead of providing loads of other things to eat.

It’s fine to be alcohol free but ensure you have some non sugary drinks - nearly all non alcoholic beverages are so sweet, many contain citrus (which I can’t drink in any quantity as I’m intolerant) and sweetener makes me feel ill too. I’ve not been able to drink alcohol for a month for medical reasons and there’s nothing I can drink in pubs really, they all give me heartburn. Some tonic water is ok but not something I can drink all evening (unlike beer, local brewery supplies gluten free cask beer). Think carefully and you’ll get less moaning

Please do tell your guests because i would drive if I wasn’t drinking, I’d be annoyed if I’d paid for a taxi only for there be be no alcohol

It's not a party. You are there to watch them get married and to celebrate their future life together. They want that to start with and to continue being alcohol-free.

Their day is not about the guests. If you want a piss-up party about you and the guests, organise one yourself.

Yeah this is my issue as well. I can't drink tons of Pepsi or fanta or ginger ale all evening. Most mocktails are literally juice combos. Whereas I can sip on 2 glasses of wine or prosecco all evening. So I don't think the problem is that everyone in the world is an alcoholic!!

Why can't you sip two glasses of something non alcoholic, all evening? I don't get it. You don't need to increase the volume, surely?

@52andblue. I’ve tried many (can’t drink due to meds) and not found a single non alcoholic beer, wine or gin that’s palatable, stick to more reliable drinks, actually I’d rather herbal tea to most non alcoholic offerings.

My thoughts exactly! Where is the incentive to overcome an addiction when people are so bloody judgemental? I personally know three people who have been addiction free for many years and I would be horrified if they were having to deal with this amount of prejudice. The people I know ,have demonstrated a strength that many would/could never have.

By people you mean you then? By saying you won’t go and then blaming “people”.

@PopItStarof course it’s ok!!! Your wedding you do what you want. You shouldn’t even need to warn people but sounds from some on here that they’d need warning!

you will only be inviting loved ones and friends so surely they’d be on board.

nobody is saying they 'can't' go to a wedding without drinking, just that for most people free time is limited, so if they spend their time, money and effort going to a social occasion they want to enjoy it as much as possible.

Absolutely OP's right to decide it will be alcohol free, but, yes I agree with the friend who said people probably will leave much earlier than they otherwise would. I know I would! Not because I'm incapable of enjoying myself without having a drink, but weddings are looooong - after the meal and speeches there could be another 8 hours - that's a whole working day. It's a long time to spend just sitting around chatting. It's not that they can't enjoy themselves without one - just that in a wedding situation most people tend to enjoy themselves far more with a drink. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean they can't enjoy themselves without drinking in various other social occasions or activities.

Also if people know they won't be drinking, they'll be more likely to be driving. If their cars are already there, they're far more likely to leave early, rather than thinking if they are paying for a taxi and babysitter they should make it 'worth it' by having a few drinks rather than just 1, and staying out a bit later. If they know they won't be drinking then they are far more likely to say 'actually we won't be out that late then, no need to book a hotel and stay over, we can just ask my mum to keep an eye out on the kids and make sure we're home by 9.'

I'm glad you're going to tell people in advance. I'd respect your decision either way but would be really pissed off if it wasn't mentioned until I got there.

Good point!

There are a lot of people out there that believe you must be either an alcoholic or teetotal and there is nowhere in between those two points.

But why does she need to, this isn’t a madatory event, she’s a grown up who chooses how to spend her free time

Thay seems to be the case, it’s always been clear people on here have real issues with alcohol but alluding to people being alcoholics as they want a few drinks at a wedding can’t cope, need to drink etc is just awful

Really surprised at the number of people who couldn’t cope with an alcohol free wedding! Actually saying they wouldn’t attend or would be pissed off?? So sad 😞

you're supposed to be celebrating their day - it’s not about you.

I am definitely in the no alcohol camp. Your dp has done well being alcohol free for 18 months but for a receiving alcoholic the temptation is always there and there always inconsiderate people or those who don't know the history to say ...come on ..it's your wedding ...one won't hurt. Don't do it op. Have the celebration which is right for you and your partner. It would be terrible if his wedding day was the thing which spoils his great record. Nonseco is a very good non alcoholic sparkling drink which would be great for the toast or with dinner if you want something like that ...but no need. Go for what you first planned. Congratulations to you both 💐

I think it’s a great idea, good for you.

People can surely go without alcohol for one night, and if they can’t, well they have bigger issues. I went to a wedding last year that wasn’t alcohol free, but I just chose not to drink because I wanted to be fresh the next day. I’m a take it or leave it kind of person when it comes to alcohol anyway, so it didn’t bother me.

What I did notice, though, was the amount of surprised comments and reactions from people who couldn’t fathom someone in a social setting not drinking alcohol. It’s really strange this obsession we have as a culture with drinking.

I had a lovely time at that wedding, remembered all of it, got to be present for all conversations, especially those with the newlyweds, and I much preferred my slices of cake and drinking tea from fancy china cups.

Your wedding is about you and your new husband, and people should want to be there to celebrate you, alcohol or not.

venue wise, yes the venue does have a bar normally. we’ve already spoken to them and they’re fine with doing alcohol free drinks instead. so things like mocktails, nice soft drinks, that sort of thing. people won’t just be sitting there with tap water!

But will you be providing them? I can't drink a lot of soft drinks - too sweet or don't want that many. So the bar take will be a lot lower if people are asking for pints of lime and soda. If there's another bar or pub nearby, people will nip out to that.

If you’re turning down an invite to a social event just because there is no alcohol, you have a problem.

I’m a long way from teetotal but can manage to have a good time even with soft drinks. It’s about the company, not the booze.

YANBU at all, but your friend does have a point about the fact that there will be a number of people who make excuses and leave early as they struggle to enjoy themselves without alcohol. Yes, that is their problem, but it is also a fact you might want to be aware of beforehand.
I went to a wedding where B&G are teetotal, and it was a lovely occasion, but it finished early evening with the B&G being waved off as used to happen in the 40s, 50s, and 60s. (It was a cold buffet / afternoon tea and a mingle Reception).
I went to another wedding where it was planned to be an evening party - but alcohol free - and many people went across the road to the pub for a couple of pints or more, during the evening and it left the party quite dead.

Personally, I am quite happy to be at a wedding without alcohol (in fact I drove everyone home from the last wedding we went to where alcohol was flowing) but a considerable number of people aren't. Only you know your guests.

I don't think you should provide alcohol in your circumstances, but you need to have a think about who it is you are inviting, and how you think they will respond.

I can but they taste shit. Maybe you like sweet fizzy drinks. I haven't liked them since I was 12.

This isn't about can or cannot. It's whether it's enjoyable. I'll suck up an alcohol free wedding for a very close family member but I'd appreciate a heads up.

They can cope. They just don't particularly want to.

Do none of the sanctimonious types ask themselves WHY alcohol is so normal at weddings, and many other events?