To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Again with the can’t cope thing like she’s only invited alcoholics. Very odd take.

a wedding is a social event, it is not a mandatory event where people need to go and be taught a lesson. Often people don’t know many other people. It’s a long day and a glass of wine is a relaxant that eases the wheels of a social event for many,

eveyone knows this, it’s the norm, and people who don’t wish to drink don’t have to, it’s a choice.

the op is removing a social norm from her wedding, which is in my opinion correct as her partner is an acholic an it’s his request. She does need to tell people so they avoid unnecessary expense. But it’s the guests right to leave when they wish. As it is not a mandatory event.

for me, yes if would be dull as dishwater, I don’t really want to go and make small talk with a bunch of folks I barely know, a few glasses of wine helps most people relax, the chatter flow. It oils the wheels of social interaction. It is not a crime to want this, it is not a moral failing, and it doesn’t mean anyone who wishes to do this is also an alcoholic who can’t cope.

so as said, I’d go, I’d be furious if I turned up at a social event and the choice was removed from me and I’d went to unnecessary expense, and no I’d likely not stay late, I’d drive home, as yes I would find it dull sitting making small talk with people for hours on end I don’t usually do that with, and I certainly wouldn’t wish to be dancing.

people pretending the ops wedding is a teaching opportunity and anyone who doesn’t like it is an alcoholic who can’t cope, are just being silly. It’s fine to have issues with alcohol. But at least post credibly, if you genuinely don’t understand social norms, and don’t go out, then why respond.

Definitely let people know well in advance. They might have hotels booked or transport organised if they expect alcohol to be served - when they would be able to save money and drive instead. That is probably what would upset people more if they didn't know in advance.

Of course you can have it alcohol free. I would let people know beforehand in good time so they are aware and can make their own decisions re. attending and arrangements like accommodation or transport, you don’t have to go into detail just a clear statement it will be alcohol free but apart from that crack on, if other people have an issue with it, that’s their issue.

Team no booze at your wedding and hope you both have a fab time. but tbh I wouldn't be marrying anyone who had or has a negative relationship with alcohol. I was married to an alkie and he was on the wagon until I fell pregnant too quickly then it went south soon after.

Go for it.

I find it bizarre and sad that so many people can't comprehend (or would even refuse to attend!) a social event without drinking. Pathetic dependency.

also just to address a couple of comments suggesting i should rethink marrying DP because of the alcohol issue.

i do understand where people are coming from in the sense that addiction is serious and obviously it has had an impact on his life before. i’m not pretending it’s nothing.

but some of the replies have jumped very quickly from “dry wedding” to “don’t marry him” which feels a bit… extreme if i’m honest.

he has been sober 18 months already and by the wedding will be very close to 2 years. he went to treatment, still goes to meetings, and has made huge changes to his life. the person he is now is very different from when things were bad.

everyone close to him (family, close friends) has seen that as well and they’ve been very supportive.

also worth saying he never hid it from me. i knew about it well before we got engaged so it’s not like this is some surprise that’s suddenly come out.

i’m not naïve about it and i know recovery is something ongoing, but i’m not going to write someone off forever because they had a problem and then worked very hard to sort it out.

so respectfully i’m definitely not cancelling the wedding over it. the thread was more about whether the alcohol free wedding itself was unreasonable or not.

There are two types of hosts, broadly speaking. Those who think the party is all about them and those who think the party is all about the guests. In my experience the latter make excellent hosts and the former not so much.

The other issue you face op is if you tell people they may bring booze wirh them, but if you don’t they will be upset but may pop out and buy some. Some vodka or gin to have in their cocktails or Diet Coke /tonic. It will be hard to police. They may also go to a local establishment, habe a few and come back, if you don’t tell them why,

so I think it’s a difficult situation. But one you need to stick to; inform them, don’t make people spend money they don’t need to, and you run less risk of them bringing booze in, if they don’t know he’s an alcoholic they won’t think it’s banned in total.

i went to a retirement do that was similar to this, people just kept fucking off and drinking elsewhere. They were also brining in bottles in their jackets. They also scrimped on the food, which saw people,leaving getting food and coming back. It was an utter mess.

but unless you’re in the back of beyond where people can’t easily leave, and I mean drive 30 mins and come back with a bottle, it is virtually impossible to stop people drinking.

in addition of staying fhey may also have brought a bottle of wine for their room or something

so not serving alcohol is not the same as an alcohol free wedding. One doesn’t lead automatically to the other. So your fiancé needs to be prepared for that. Because you can say we won’t serve it. Whay you can’t say is no one can drink.

Compromise and have edibles as favours instead......

Guests who aren’t prepared to support the hosts’ perfectly understandable request aren’t good guests in my experience

I haven’t read the whole thread so may have missed this but is it a bar that you are supplying I.e you can just supply non alcoholic drinks or is it a normal bar in a venue.
i would say that if there is a bar selling alcohol that some people may buy drinks anyway.

Tbh I think this thread demonstrates pretty well why a lot of alcoholics wont seek help, if they see this level of judgement aimed towards people who just enjoy a drink in moderation.

I wouldn't be a guest 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t go if I knew and would definitely leave straight after the meal.

We had plenty at our wedding choosing not to drink and many that did. I wouldn’t take the choice away from people even if you allowed them to buy their own or offered a drink after the ceremony and during meal.

I went to an alcohol free wedding (afternoon tea type affair) and many were flabbergasted. Travelled, booked accommodation, brought gifts. Got an egg sandwich and a slice of Madeira in return. They did both drink but it was to do it as cheaply as possible.

My assumption at an alcohol free wedding is one or both of the couple are alcoholics, there is a religious reason or they are just trying to do it on the cheap.

My friends had an AF wedding for no other reason than they don't drink. They hadn't told anyone and a few people were a bit surprised but it made no difference to the enjoyment of the day at all. I do find it sad that people feel they can't relax or have fun without alcohol.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

I’d have no issue with an alcohol free wedding. Having said that, I’d be tempted to do something “different” as opposed to a “traditional” wedding day/ party, just missing out the alcohol. I suspect that the dance floor would be rather deserted. When I got married, we didn’t have a big evening party, but just went out for a meal with a few friends who had travelled for the ceremony and reception, that we didn’t see very often. Others I know have opted for Ceilidhs, comedians, or other interactive activities.

Just to add, many congratulations on your marriage, I wish you both the very best of luck in the future. He’s a lucky man.

100% agree in your circumstances.

Also there are LOADS of nice beers, proseccos, even gins etc now which are 100% alcohol free and a better range of non booze tasting drinks too.

I'd say in the invite that it is an alcohol free day (for medical reasons?).
People then know they can drive / don't need a hotel for the night in some cases
If you wanted you could have an AM wedding with a posh Afternoon Tea 'breakfast' with a/f Prosecco. But honestly just choose the time you want and have a great day. If people value boozing over being there than that's their loss.

Well done to your dp on his time sober so far.
It is your choice to have a non alcoholic wedding. I would let people know that when you are telling them the date / on invites. So that they don't book accommodation if they then decide not to stay over.
My family & extended family would be curious why its a dry wedding. That would be a topic of conversion at the wedding if they didn't know the real reason.

If there is another bar at the venue or close by, chances are that they would go there before or after the meal.
As they would view a wedding as a chance to socialise with each other and would expect to have a few drinks.
If no bar close by, they probably would leave early evening and go socialise with each other else where.

A few years ago, child-free weddings were weird. The idea of asking about allergies/religious food needs wasn't common a couple of decades ago. Back then, it would have seemed strange, but not so much now. It is your choice, and really, if people can't cope without it for one night, maybe they should think about why. If they went to a reception for a religious wedding, would they expect meats that the couple can't eat?

Your wedding, your choice. I would be more than happy to attend an alcohol free wedding, its about celebrating your marraige

I agree with this completely

Absolutely fine and reasonable to have an alcohol free wedding under these circumstances. It's true that culturally people expect to have alcoholic drinks bought for them as part and parcel of attending a wedding but it's totally OK to not do this - just tell people in advance. Put it on the detailed part of the invitations along with directions etc "Because of struggles that John and many of our much-loved guests have had in the past, the event will be alcohol free and we know that all our guests who want to wish us well in our lives together will support and understand how important this is, to ensure the day remains joyful"

Anyone who needs alcohol in order to get through a wedding should not attend the wedding

I think it's fine to have no alcohol as long as people are told in advance so they can make the decision to drive but you have to be prepared to accept that people will leave early (whether to go home or go to a pub) and that if you are doing the traditional evening do its likely to be quiet with not many people dancing.

It's fine to have an alcohol free wedding. Just let people know ahead of time because there's a big 🍻 ng culture where you are.

Where I am, it wouldn't be an issue at all. I've been to some and yes, there's still plenty of fun.