To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Honestly, I think the mistake here is people thinking that an alcohol free wedding will be exactly the same as a traditional wedding but without the alcohol. Usually the set up and timings are different. You wouldn't be hanging around making small talk with nothing to do (other than drink) for hours and hours as happens at many British weddings.

I've never drunk alcohol. Nothing to do with a prior addiction nor religious/moral grounds. I just don't like the taste/smell and I don't like seeing what it does to other people when they've had too much to drink.

I wish I'd thought of an alcohol free wedding actually. Back then, though, I wasn't quite so assertive so probably would have caved into pressure and not gone through with it.

Weekday weddings and budget weddings are more common, and people getting married who already have young children, all of those lend themselves well to alcohol free weddings, or if not 'banned' just very small amounts consumed. Its just not the focus.

Absolutely your decision - but tell them in advance. Let them choose if they want to attend.

It's your wedding and you should do what you want.

But for god's sake don't bang about "surely people can cope without alcohol for one day!"

Most of us "cope" almost every day without alcohol, it's not like we can't get through the day of your wedding without it. But it's a celebration and it's meant to be fun and alcohol is normal and expected. It helps with the boredom that often comes with weddings (example, don't leave your guests drinking tea and sod off for two hours to do photos). It also makes people more likely to dance and enjoy themselves.

You can absolutely should have a dry wedding if you want to. But don't be rude when people have the perfectly normal expectation of a glass of wine! And tell them .in advance.

I think you have a valid reason, it's just whether or not you are comfortable with peoples' speculation as to why alcohol isn't served, without sharing the information that "justify" the arrangement.

I personally find alcohol-free weddings a tiny bit boring but I enjoy myself nonetheless. There is no right or wrong.

It wouldn't bother me in fact I'd like it and if people can't celebrate your wedding with you without drinking alcohol it's a shame.
Just go ahead as you want to and tell people it will be alcohol free. If they decide not to come or leave early because they can't cope without an alcoholic drink it says more about them than you

Even a close friend’s wedding?

Why do you find them boring? Do people have to drink alcohol to have fun?
I honestly don't understand why no alcohol means boring

This is the crux of it, I think. I used to live in the ME so have been to many dry parties and a few weddings but they tend to be structured quite differently - mainly they are more structured and there are more "rituals/ expectations" around social interaction with people you don't know, or they are super long but it's totally acceptable to just leave (and then come back again if you fancy it). They don't have 12 hour parties where it's rude to leave early but with not much happening other than standing around mingling and then someone puts some music on and you throw shapes if you fancy it.

So, alcohol free wedding= fine but alcohol free wedding in traditional ceremony- stand around- meal- sit around- dancing format = massively risky, especially if you have people coming who know very few other people.

You are 100% fine to have an AF wedding.

However, people will ask questions. You also need to consider telling people as likely they will be annoyed if they pay for taxis/hotels that wouldn’t be necessary if they didn’t have a drink. Also avoids alcohol being given as gifts.

think about the format of the wedding too - will you friends really stay late and dance sober? If not, perhaps a morning/afternoon event works better.

If you are expecting people to travel very far, take time off work and stay in hotels then people may choose not to attend (sad but true).

I think it's a brilliant idea and very appropriate for you both.

What I find with weddings, everyone will have an opinion. It is your choice whether to take it onboard or not.

I'm not sure on your venue but if you want it alcohol free, make sure they know.

Congratulations!

I imagine everyone will know your husband to be is an alcoholic so will understand. I have been to an alcohol free wedding (religious reasons), it wrapped up at 5pm as it was pretty flat. My friend who's wedding it is does drink, it's her family that didn't, the the bride, groom and his family secretly moved onto a pub after the wedding and spent the evening there, we had a long drive home so didn't stay, with it being alcohol free we had planned to drive home and had no hotel booked.

It is completely fine, but I imagine it will wrap up pretty early, the wedding I went to was just a bit meh, not a single person stood up to dance, everyone just sat at their table, ate their food and went home.

Everyone will understand why you have decided to do it, so I wouldn't worry. I object to having other people's religion forced upon me, but I'd be fine with this.

Anyone escaping a wedding to find booze has a real problem - I’d definitely feel very sad for them!
I’d be surprised but completely on board with an alcohol free wedding. I’m usually the driver so would not make any difference anyway. Have an excellent wedding OP.

Stick with your decision, OP. As pp have said - put it on the invitation so that everyone knows what to expect and can plan things like transport (can just drive home so no need to worry about taxis!) accordingly.

That way anyone that wants to moan about it can get it out of their system before they actually arrive, and anyone who totally can't cope with the idea can just not come.

I do agree with pp saying that a lot of people (me included!) don't enjoy dancing whie stone cold sober, so maybe don't blow the budget on a very expensive DJ.

Your wedding. Your rules. Glad your DP recovered and beat his demons. Have a fabulous wedding and congrats to you both!

It wouldn’t worry me (and I’m very fond of a glass or 2 of prosecco) but I agree your will get questions from those who don’t know your husbands background so preparing some responses would be sensible.

As I”m sure others have said how well it works does depend on the venue a bit. If it’s a hotel you can’t really ban them from serving alcohol. Will people try to bring alcohol? Not saying you shouldn’t do it just need to think the venue implications through

Yanbu

People who matter won't mind
People who mind don't matter

Or something like that!

Some people will need to learn they don't need alcohol to have a good time

I went to a wedding where neither the bride or groom drink for different reasons, and so it was alcohol-free. Everyone enjoyed themselves. It's your choice and I'm sure everyone will respect it.

My husband and I do not drink. We are, however, always the first and, occasionally, only people on the dancefloor at any party. Same applied when we used to go to night clubs. We just love dancing and are not self-conscious about it.
We always felt a bit sorry for the poor people sat nervously sipping their drinks at the side of the dancefloor and tapping their feet, trying to get drunk enough to feel confident enough to dance when it was clear they wanted to join in.

No one needs to learn that and rhe ops wedding is not a teaching moment 😂

You wouldn't attend the wedding of a family member or friend because you couldn't have a drink ? Obviously alcohol is far more important than people and that is so sad.

have skim read but not every single reply yet as i’ve been at work, will read properly later.

a few people asked about warning people beforehand and yes we would definitely do that. i wouldn’t just have people turn up expecting a bar and then surprise them on the day. it would be on the invites / website etc that it’s an alcohol free wedding so people know what they’re coming to.

also a few people saying 70 people isn’t small which made me laugh a bit. we both have quite big families on both sides so once you add parents, siblings, partners, aunts/uncles and a few close friends it suddenly gets to 70ish quite quickly.

re who knows about DP, his close friends and his close family do know the situation. but not everyone else. he’s quite a private person and doesn’t really want it being a big topic of conversation which i completely understand.

by the time we actually get married he’ll be getting close to 2 years sober. he can be around alcohol now without it being a big drama. we go to restaurants where other people are drinking and obviously at christmas there was alcohol around.

actually a slightly awkward moment at christmas where his brother’s new bf offered him a can of beer because he obviously didn’t know. DP just said “no thanks” and carried on with his pepsi and it was completely fine and everyone moved on.

for me personally i don’t mind giving up alcohol at all. i didn’t really drink anyway so it wasn’t some big lifestyle change. i genuinely don’t miss it.

venue wise, yes the venue does have a bar normally. we’ve already spoken to them and they’re fine with doing alcohol free drinks instead. so things like mocktails, nice soft drinks, that sort of thing. people won’t just be sitting there with tap water!

timings wise it’s a fairly normal daytime wedding. ceremony early afternoon, meal, then music etc for a few hours in the evening but not going ridiculously late.

also slightly random but our flight for the honeymoon is very early the next morning so we wouldn’t be planning on a massive late night regardless. although i realise i can’t really use that as a reason for everyone else not to drink as it doesn’t affect them.

anyway thank you for the replies so far, will read the rest later. some interesting perspectives.

I have friends who had an AF wedding for religious reasons. I quite often don't drink at a wedding (if I bring DD, for example) so on a personal level I didn't really care, BUT it was notably subdued (and others definitely used the term "boring"), nobody danced, and it all wound up very early (apparently a large group went to the pub!). Just to warn you. They also didn't tell people ahead of time and it went down like a lead balloon. Lots of grumbling from people who said they wouldn't have gone!

Every time someone is invited to a wedding, they factor various things into the decision about whether to go or not,unless it's an old and close friend or family member. How close am I to the bride and/or groom? How far away is it? Can I afford it? What about the kids? Do I expect to have a nice time? If they feel, on balance, that the effort/childcare/travel/expense aren't worth it, they don't go. Can't blame them if they don't think, for this one, the positives outweigh the negatives.

If it's 'your wedding your rules' (because of course fun times always begin with rules) then you are asking people to abide by those rules if they attend - and they're perfectly free to decide not to, and it doesn't make them shitty alcoholics if they do.