To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

It can be a fantastic party and not include alcohol.

I seriously don't get why you would have to 'warn' people. Jeez can you not enjoy a day out or an evening without drinking alcohol?
@Sunshineismyfavourite

I would be very happy to go to an alcohol free wedding and I am sure it will be a lovely event.

But surely you can see that it would be wise to "warn" people in advance so that they don't go to the unnecessary expense of booking taxis /hotel rooms when it turns out they could actually safely drive.

I agree but according to a lot of posters lots can’t!

Which is both equally concerning as disappointing!

While I dont NEED alcohol to enjoy myself, it does help me loosen up a bit. Ive lost a lot of confidence as I've got older, and I definitely feel a bit more relaxed in big social situations after a wine or whatever.

Some people who are normally confident and fine in these situations probably wont understand those saying they like a drink at weddings or parties, especially if thats because they are introvert, and will just see alcohol = enjoy it more = problem.

So for me, having a couple of drinks would probably be the difference between silently screaming inside if someone i dont really know tries to engage in conversation (or even worse, someone tries to get me up dancing) and actually enjoying the situation a bit more and not feeling like I cant wait until I can bugger off back to my sanctuary 😬

Well I would not think it was weird. Unusual maybe but not weird. Can people really not go to a wedding without having to have alcohol?

I do drink but very little and not that often. DH drinks slightly more frequently but we are both capable of going to a restaurant, a wedding or whatever without needing to drink alcohol

Throughout their one post? Transference much?
If you'd read the thread about bad behaviour at weddings you would know there are many reasons to feel anxious about drunk people at weddings, and rarely is it because the person is envious of the drunk people.

I come from a family who are heavy drinkers and when I've not been drinking (eg when I've got an early start and driving the next day), my worry is not temptation, but the likelihood that people will spike my drink as they couldn't handle me not drinking (snipes about being righteous etc, none of it from me, all their own defensiveness) That and waiting for the arguments to start, or watching out for the people we know will go way too far.

This I do agree with.

The taxi aspect.

This. Some people on the thread appear to have never met tea totals. I know loads and have also been to loads of alcohol free weddings. Nobody bats an eyelid.
I somehow think that pps who think dry weddings will be the talk of the town have very narrow social circles.

Plenty of people have small afternoon tea type weddings. I went to wedding last year for a young trendy couple with approx 150 guests. It had a ceremony and meal and no alcohol.
Nobody commented and it was a wonderful event. Budget alone is a good enough reason.

Some people on the thread appear to have never met tea totals.

Do these teetotallers drink only tea?

I think anyone who cares about you both will embrace the situation. It will be best if they know in advance, so, e.g. they can plan to drive, rather than booking a taxi/hotel, and aren't annoyed at wasting money.

The problem you might have, with a big wedding, is that maybe not all of the guest will genuinely care... so you might get some moaning from people who care about a big night out, more than they care about the fact you are getting married.

Do people know he’s an alcoholic? Do you not think it shines a bit of a light on it? People will be asking even if they don’t know? I have a family member who is an alcoholic and they’d be mortified if 70+ were impacted by it. It just feels a bit..over the top, but it depends on the venue, completely understand not providing alcohol, but if there’s a bar there, I wouldn’t stop them serving.

I judge those that are dismissive of an alcohol-free wedding far more harshly than I’d judge the happy couple! If that’s what you want to do, do it! It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest!

It’s funny, I’ve seen posts on here where someone has been saying that their wedding is on the same day as some big football match. Like England in the first round of the World Cup. The overwhelming consensus has always been that they should absolutely show the football at the wedding or be prepared for people to leave to go and watch it. And that anyone who does leave is totally justified. Because football.

I wouldn’t miss a wedding for either reason (I don’t drink so that one is easy for me anyway), but it’s funny the things people expect others to bend for. You’re an alcoholic if you think an alcohol free wedding is a bit of a let down. But you’re totally justified to physically leave a wedding to watch some bloody football. And you’re a joyless twat not to air it on a big screen on your wedding day, just for the enjoyment of others.

I wouldn’t expect a recovering alcoholic to serve alcohol if they didn’t want to. But I don’t think that everyone who thinks they’d prefer a glass of wine to ease 12 hrs of small talk with various people they may not know is some sort of awful alcoholic.

I have been to many a fantastic party and not had a single drink. It's not hard you know.

The worst wedding I have ever been to was one where so many guests got so drunk that a fight started on the dance floor and someone threw up on one of the tables!

It's pathetic that some posters would not go because theere would be no alcohol

...they're so psychologically dependant on it that they would rather miss a close person's wedding if they couldnt drink during it.

When I was in the main wedding-going period of my life, half the weddings I went to I wasn't close to the bride or groom as they were my partner's friends, and even when it was my side, I often knew one half of the couple much better than the other.
For these weddings it was mostly about the party for me, and yes, it wouldn't have been the same without alcohol.

Obvious - if a guest isn't planning on drinking, no need to book hotel rooms or taxis!

I think your reasons for having an alcohol-free wedding are very compelling. However, it shouldn't matter what your motivations are. You really don't owe anyone an explanation for why you won't be serving alcohol as it is your wedding, your choice. I certainly would not feel obliged to share details of your fiance's very commendable recovery with anyone. It is a day to celebrate your wedding, not an excuse to get wasted.
Neither my husband nor I drink alcohol. No particular reason apart from not enjoying the taste of it and being quite capable of having a great time sober, we are always first on the dancefloor at any event! Most of our friends and family drink alcohol so we are used to attending events which heavily revolve around alcohol. This is not a problem for us as we have no issue with other people's alcohol consumption, but it is nice to occasionally attend events which aren't alcohol focused.
We didn't have an alcohol-free wedding, though we made sure there were plenty of good non-alcoholic options for those, like us, who don't drink. However, my friends organised a hen night in a lovely dessert shop so, in place of the usual compulsory cocktails, we had delicious cakes, tea, milkshakes and ice creams which everyone enjoyed and it was lovely to celebrate somewhere that didn't reek of booze!
Hope you have a wonderful day and please don't worry about what others might think, if they think it's odd and that they can't enjoy themselves if they're not getting drunk, even on your special day, then I think that is very sad and that it says far more about them than it does about you!

Really? I don’t drink, but am not an alcoholic. It wouldn’t really occur to me to ban alcohol from an event I was hosting. I’d assume anyone who had a totally alcohol free wedding either had some moral/religious objection to alcohol, or was a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn’t think they just chose not to drink. Especially if they also prevented the bar from selling alcohol to guests who were happy to pay.

I seriously don't get why you would have to 'warn' people. Jeez can you not enjoy a day out or an evening without drinking alcohol?

Because people need to plan. Not being able to drink will mean being able to drive instead of staying over or having to shell out for a cab for a lot of guests.

Also, if no alcohol is such a non-issue, there’s absolutely no reason why people shouldn’t know in advance, is there?

YANBU. Your wedding, your rules/choices. Don't let anyone else dictate what you want to do.

I'm sure it can, but there's a reason parties usually do include alcohol. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise. And that reason isn't ''because most people are raging alcoholics', it's because most people find alcohol, in moderation, a useful social lubricant and they enjoy it.

It's perfectly fine to have an AF wedding but I think the outcome depends on what style of reception you're planning. If there is a dance floor for example, people may not feel confident enough to get up and dance without having alcohol. So maybe an afternoon meal and no night do would work better and certainly keep costs down. Obviously i don't know what your intended guests would feel as I don't know them, but I'd be fine with it personally.

Well done to your partner, 18 months sober is an amazing achievement!

The bottom line is: your wedding your rules. I’d assume people close to the groom will know about his past alcoholism? Or doesn’t anyone know?

However, just to play devils advocate, a lot of people may be disappointed or annoyed that there will be no alcohol. So be prepared for that.

Personally, I find weddings extremely boring. Especially if I’m there for a full day. Having alcohol makes them more enjoyable as people are more likely to dance, party, mingle with others and be in a good mood. The atmosphere could be quite awkward for people who normally drink at occasions and they may leave early due to boredom.

I have been to weddings where even when alcohol was available people smuggled in their own as they considered the bar prices too much, it was shocking. I would dread to think what would happen if it was a dry wedding, you could find many people over drink any alcohol they smuggle in. I would give people the heads up and maybe a polite note about not bringing any contraband in.

The issue is they don´t know he has a problem.
I would go for the "for personal reasons" a pp posted above.