To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

I just think it's sad that people would be so unable to have a really good time without the alcohol, to the point that some on here are saying they would merely 'cope' or even that they wouldn't go at all. Why is the absence of alcohol that important? Why is alcohol apparently necessary to have fun? It's a bit odd, really.

Is the wedding cancelled. Where's OP?

I think the difficulty is that you are currently planning, based on your post, a traditional afternoon/evening wedding without including a traditional part of it that rightly or wrongly, people will be expecting. So the advice from other posters to give people notice is a good one - they can adjust their plans accordingly re driving vs staying over.

i totally respect your decision not to explain your DH’s situation as it’s his and your personal business. But be prepared that people will speculate as to why it’s an alcohol free wedding if there is no explanation why - it’s a societal norm to have alcohol at an event like this, one which you absolutely don’t have to adhere to, but of the 70 people you’re inviting it would be unrealistic not to expect one or two to query why.

The advice given by previous posters re checking with the venue or adjusting your plans for a different kind of wedding is also worth considering.

Ultimately your DH’s sobriety is the most important thing and if being around alcohol is challenging for him he has every right to ban alcohol from his wedding and I’m sure everyone would respect that. But given he’s not comfortable sharing his issues with others, maybe he’s still working through a lot of things and should discuss with his sponsor (if he has one).

i think the key thing is to manage expectations and let people know in advance, but do be prepared for a few to react and ask why it’s alcohol free.

Yeah lol humans have only used alcohol at gatherings exactly like weddings for thousands of years and its pretty much ingrained in many cultures, but this poster is defintely the weird one to want to have a drink at a wedding 🙄

A small intimate wedding I think would be fine without alcohol, but if its a standard large wedding at a hotel or similar with a proper sit down meal, dancing etc then it will be a bit flat without drinks. Expect people to either bring their own, or find a bar nearby and congregate there instead of at your reception.

YANBU.

Totally agree

That this is even a question shows how ingrained in society the consumption of this drug is.

Before I quit drinking I’d have moaned like absolute fuck to be invited to a dry wedding and would have had a tantrum and threatened not to go. My sensible drinker husband would probably have gone “oh that’s a bit unusual” shrugged his shoulders and went.

People who'd prefer a drink aren't saying they would 'cope' - people who don't drink are saying those who do should 'cope'. I'm saying your aspirations should ideally be higher than that your guests will 'cope'.

Almost everyone who's saying this is fine and no need to let anyone know then says 'I don't drink and nor does DH' - fine, you don't: most, or many, do, and a wedding would probably be the time they'd most expect to be able to.

Absolutely fine. I’m a recovering alcoholic (3 years sober next month) and while I’m not bothered being around alcohol or people drinking, it does bore me a bit and I get annoyed that people literally can’t seem to interact without a drink in hand.

I think if you have guests who can’t cope with an evening without booze because they want to support you in celebrating your marriage and respecting how far your dp has come then they are pretty awful and I’d not be massively keen to have them there on the day.

If no alcohol is coping for you in any way, that is an alcohol problem.

If no alcohol is something that wouldn't even register or care about for a moment, that is the only time you can say you don't have at least a mild unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

The most balanced response on this thread. I say this, having thoroughly enjoyed alcohol free weddings, and those less so 😂

I mean, read the OP. It literally says the groom is a recovering alcoholic. It’s right there. No need to wonder about it! Or did you mean that other guests would start to speculate? Perhaps they would - but as they’re all his friends and family they probably know already even if it hasn’t been spoken out loud - and will be glad to see he’s not drinking anymore

I am horrified that people wouldn't go to a wedding if it was alcohol free. I mean WTAF? Even hypothetically this is pretty shit behaviour.

I get people love a drink - but have some respect, surely? It's their WEDDING day.

YADNBU. Congratulations OP and I hope your AF wedding is magical (it sounds like it will be). And well done to your DH to be on quitting.

The OP hasn't said anything to suggest he can't be around alcohol, or that it would be tempting to him, that's your assumption

It's entirely understandable that someone who doesn't drink, doesn't want to be in a room full of drunk people. And as much as many people will say in here that they don't get drunk just merry, if you've ever worked in a restaurant serving people who 'just have a few drinks over lunch' you'll know how false that belief is! People might not be falling down drunk after a few wines, but the glassy eyes, talking to loud, repeating conversations... It gets very boring very quickly.

I like a drink at a social occasion, but this definitely wouldn't bother me. Some of the worst behaviour we hear about at weddings is due to too much drink being consumed.

People should want to come to your wedding to celebrate your day with you and your partner. Alcohol should not be a factor in it and if people don't feel they can manage that without a drink inside them then they should be asking themselves some serious questions.

Fine, given your reasons, however you do need to share this with your guests in advance. Some might make transport/accommodation decisions based on the fact that they’d typically let their hair down a bit.

I’d be fuming if I’d paid for a hotel unnecessarily when I would drive if I knew ahead of time that is was alcohol-free.

Of course you can do that but I'd let people know in advance so there's no confusion. I went to a wedding recently where alcohol free punch was served for the first 3 hours and people were saying "where's the booze?".

I'm quite a big drinker but something I notice on holiday is how much lots of people drink when let off the leash. I just have wine in the evening but I see loads of people drinking cocktails all day long, then wine in the evening. I think they must surely be hammered. I was on a sunbed next to a couple who had 5 cocktails each then a bottle of wine, starting at 10.30am. I've seen people ask to have their water bottle filled up with beer, have rum in their coffee for breakfast. So I think people seem to have a strange relationship with booze really.

Why, so you can watch someone get drunk for your entertainment?

Brother and SIL had an alcohol free wedding, partly because my dad is a recovering alcoholic but also because they just didn’t want the hassle that comes with some of our family members after a drink. It was lovely actually. Honestly if I was invited to an alcohol free wedding I would maybe assume someone in the wedding party had issues with alcohol but I wouldn’t judge or pry (can’t really judge when my own farther was an alcoholic).

Strange...and quite dangerous I would say
That really is excessive.

Not ingrained in all cultures. And it's not that the poster would like alcohol at a wedding, it's that they're so psychologically dependant on it that they would rather miss a close person's wedding if they couldnt drink during it. That's weird.

This

Oh, I think that's strongly implied throughout, particularly when the OP says

And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

I think the implication is absolutely that the OP's fiancé, a recovering alcoholic fairly early on in his sobriety, would find it difficult and triggering to be around people drinking alcohol. Not just that it's no fun for teetotallers to be around drinkers.

Totally fine! Just let people know in advance. I would hope it would be a complete non-issue to people

Of course it’s absolutely fine! I’d maybe add the info as part of the invites, just to give people a heads up who may have been planning to use taxi’s etc after having a drink, so that they can save the money and drive if they choose. But as a principle a no alcohol wedding is no issue at all!

So you selfishly wouldnt go to a wedding without alcohol? Really??