To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

No I wouldn't go and I suspect others might not either, it's neither here nor there whether you approve of that or not. Your fantasy about my relationship with alcohol is what's in your mind not mine. You seem to be forgetting that it is the op's dh that has the problematic relationship with alcohol not me.

There could still be fancy drinks, like Wild Idol for instance. A bit pricey but is a gorgeous non-alcoholic wine. I went to a wedding recently and they served elderflower cocktails - they were so refreshing.

If there's no alcohol, I'd definitely look at providing guests an interesting mix of refreshing drinks to enjoy.

If the invitations to people are for their occasion, then they can pretty much stipulate what they want. It's their wedding reception.

I don't drink, never found anything I liked enough to waste the calories on !!,so I can't put myself in the shoes of someone who needs/likes a drink to be able to socialize and have a good time, but I've reach the age of 60 and can enjoy a good party and dance with the best of them. It really is beyond me how anyone would decline an invitation due to lack of alcohol, unless they are a functioning alcoholic and not aware of it.

To be honest I would not attend an alcohol free wedding. Weddings are generally very long and boring and a drink makes them more bearable.

Seriously?!? You don’t go to weddings for the free booze, you go to weddings to celebrate an incredibly special and important commitment that two people you are about are making to one another. Really shouldn’t matter if you are toasting their future health in orange juice.

Agree with PP that this is fine but a polite note in the invitation that the wedding will be alcohol-free for personal reasons would be good just so there is no confusion or awkward explanation on the day. And if people like the poster above choose not to attend, well, you know who cares about you and who was just along for the free drinks.

I've been at one alcohol free wedding, it was abroad in a country that produces a lot of alcohol so I'm not sure if it was a cultural difference or because someone in the extended family had an alcohol problem. The bride and groom definitely drink. There were lots of soft drink options and plenty available to drink (unlike one wedding I went to where there was alcohol but there was very little liquid offered to the guests, no bottles of wine or soft drinks on the table) and it was a really good wedding.

If you're worried about people not dancing how about having a ceilidh? Scottish people learnt to dancing in PE so can do it sober and if in England get a caller to get people involved.

You can pretend as much as you like, but being incapable of spending time with other humans without a drink does suggest that it's a problem for you. Problematic drinking is defined as when it causes disruption in day to day life and missing say a close friends wedding for that reason would be a pretty clear example.

Why wouldn’t you go?

What if you had a Muslim friend or colleague?

And you seem to be forgetting that it's the bride and groom's wedding so they can have it exactly how they want it.

There's 364 other days of the year you could drink, even on this day too after their wedding when at home, just not at their wedding.

Completely your choice, however I wonder whether the absence of alcohol will perversely give alcohol more of a 'centre stage' given that everyone most likely will be speculating as to why there's none available.

I had an alcohol problem (almost 5 years sober) and whilst I don’t run a dry home or put on dry events I don’t see an issue with it. Also don’t feel sad for me I’m bloody delighted to be alcohol free 🤩

OP go for it. People can cope for one day without booze. If all they are coming for is the booze they can sit at home instead and get pissed.

Nail on the head. The person who can't be around alcohol or anyone drinking it is the one with the difficult relationship with alcohol - obviously! - not the ones who would prefer to have an alcoholic drink at a celebration. This is the whole point!

I also don't love all this 'it's your special day, do your rules, it's all for you' - guests are guests, and like it or not, the bride and groom are the hosts. Part of being a host is being considerate to your guests, and that at the very least should extend to letting them know this rather unusual aspect of the day in advance.

The more I think about it, the more I think unless it was a close friend or family member, I'd probably sack this off, tbh.

Assuming you mean "there's a reason no one does that anymore", you're right, but it's not because it is a crap idea. It's because people don't usually go on their honeymoon straight from the wedding reception any more.

The OP and her fiance might not be going on their honeymoon on their wedding day, but they have a perfectly valid reason for not wanting alcohol at their wedding.

Reviving this (not entirely dead, if the afternoon tea posts on here are any indication) tradition to accommodate their circumstances is not a crap idea. Unless you are one of those people who thinks the only kind of celebration that isn't "crap" has to involve staying up late getting pissed.

A morning ceremony and celebratory lunch is a perfectly reasonable and enjoyable way to share their day with their family and friends.

In the unlikely event that you get invited, you have the option of staying away. Otherwise, you will just have to control your cravings until mid-afternoon.

I think it’s absolutely fine for it to be alcohol-free, but also agree with those saying you need to let people know. Think through what to say, so that if your fiancé really can’t cope with people knowing, you can give the message without letting on. Maybe you could say that in order to support important people in your lives who are in recovery from alcoholism, thee will be no alcohol served.

At the same time….. recovery is a process, and if he is working the Twelve Steps fully, then he should reach the point where he can be around people drinking without lapsing himself.

I am in recovery from compulsive overeating and sugar addiction, and early in the process I attended a wedding. I’m not an alcoholic, but alcohol does tend to disinhibit me around food, so I usually choose not to drink. That made the arrivals drinks problematic, because the non-alcoholic option was full of sugar, and I don’t consume sugar any more. I sat with my dessert in front of me, having offered it to everyone else on the table, until the staff came and took it away. I declined the cake. I declined the non-alcoholic fizz for the toasts (as it was full of sugar), but the staff came back and tried to offer me other things, so in the end I had the Prosecco.

Plenty of people can drink alcohol in moderation - I can - but some cannot.
Plenty of people can eat sugar in moderation - I can not.

Sadly, the overconsumption of both alcohol and sugar is completely normalised in our culture, to the point that people would gripe, and potentially stay away from a celebration which did not include one or both of those. But why? The important thing is the people and the occasion - or should be.

I think the outrage at the suggestion of an alcohol-free wedding is indicative that a lot more people have a problem with their alcohol consumption than are willing to admit it. And the same with sugar.

People can cope for one day without booze and comments like it - yes of course they can, but do you want your wedding to be a day your guests 'cope' with, or a day they remember as a fantastic party thanks to you?

Instant flashback to the time I was the only person not invited to a team colleagues wedding because they assumed id want to drink 😂😩

Was still sent a link to the gift list tho 😂

It is a test and a cop out TBH, otherwise alcohol would be served and there'd be no problem for the groom at all in its presence surely?

I'm beginning to think that they should just go off and get married in Gretna Green or similar and send a video of the ceremony to a nice hotel where the guests can drink and dance away without them. A dual celebration. 😊

People may assume there is someone with an alcohol issue.
If you know people well enough to invite them to your wedding, but they would rather be somewhere they could get alcohol, the problem is theirs and I would consider the friendship done.

I’ve always been a social drinker and I enjoy alcohol however I would be 100% fine with this. I would maybe let people know beforehand. I think that it’s much more common for people to be alcohol free these days so I don’t think it will be as big of a deal as you think.

I actually agree about “it’s your special day, have it how you want”. I do think a fair few couples need to remember they are hosting guests.

However, I do think that only goes so far. I wouldn’t expect a vegan to serve chicken. I wouldn’t expect someone who didn’t drink due to addiction to serve alcohol if they didn’t want to.

I do also agree with you that people who want a drink at a wedding aren’t automatically massive alcoholics with problems they need to confront though. I don’t drink (used to, it doesn’t agree with me any more so not worth it), but I don’t think that people who would be disappointed not to toast with champagne at a wedding reception, or who feel like a couple of glasses of wine make a potentially 12 hr day making small talk with people you don’t know that well a bit more fun, are raging alcoholics.

To be honest, everyone you invite to your wedding should be close enough to the two of you to WANT to support him in this way. Anyone who has an issue with it isn't who you thought they were, and should no longer be welcome.

Surely it’s not only the booze that makes it a fantastic party? What about the food, dancing, speeches, having a laugh with friends and family?

Nobody needs alcohol.

If they do, the alcohol isn't the problem, the addiction (and them) is.

I dont drink. I stopped when pregnant (15 years ago) not that I was a big drinker anywats but never got back into it. Never missed it in the slightest.

My DP doesnt drink either. Non alcoholic drinks have come a long way recently too.

I think its so sad peoples reliance on alcohol.to have a good time, and I think its even sadder when children are exposed to adults drinking regulary and it effecting the responsible adults behaviour.

I am going to be THAT person but I cringe on holiday when I see families with chikdren sat there at night witnessing their families getting drunk or being stuck on screens whilst their parents party away in front of them. No idea why this is ok quite frankly but hey ho 🤷‍♀️ as a teacher I see so many families ruined by alcohol. The effects it has on children I dont think many truly realise.

What your partner had done should be applauded and you should both be able to enjoy your wedding how you want to.

If ppl.dont like it they dony deserve to be there