To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

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Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

This is exactly what I mean. The need to be “preloaded” before going to a wedding is a sign of being a functioning alcoholic. Why on earth would you nees that otherwise? This is fully normalised in the UK and Ireland for example but in most EU countries you’d be perceived as having serious alcohol issues - and you probably do (not you as poster but referring to the person that brings a flask or come “preloaded”). So sad.

OP, I love a drink at a wedding but I would be very happy to go one to celebrate friends. It'll be a different vibe but totally up to you how you do things. My mum was an alcoholic (very much not dry) and I think your husband has done amazingly being dry for 18 months.

Do it. I had an alcohol free wedding. No one died.

Be prepared for people to sneak booze in though.

Well done to your DP - you must be so proud of him.

It's odd. I think any guests that you invite only to the after part may not bother coming. Most people who drink alcohol manage to have a healthy relationship with it and see drinking as an enhancement to a party/ having fun. You won't undertand that if you don't enjoy drinking. Most people see a wedding as an excuse to have a drink, without it it might fall a bit flat.

Most wedding celebrations all over the world include alcohol, apart from strictly religious sects. Show me an Italian/Greek/French etc. wedding without bottles and bottles of wine on the tables and champagne toasts etc. and I'll agree with you. It is normal and expected, not an issue for the UK or the rest of the world either.

Oh I’d still go, but I’d drive if it was within a couple of hours, not stay or use taxis and I’d likely go home early, I’d not be staying late into the evening.

not because I can’t cope without a drink, it’s just a lot less fun in this sort of situation where you’re all sober.

I think if I was the op I’d just do the afternoon do. Most folks won’t want to sit there with their Diet Coke.

id be really fucked off though if I’d booked a room or taxi and got there and found out it was dry, as in furious thay I wasn’t told and put to extra expense.

I'd prefer alcohol at weddings too, as well as all of the meat and cheese I can possibly consume but guests don't have any choice in the matter because it isn't their wedding.

I can't imagine making a fuss about it or even refusing to go simply because it was alcohol free or vegan or whatever.

I do agree with letting people know. Hopefully then those who couldn't possibly cope without alcohol for one event would simply not come.

Anyway whatever you decide op, the wedding is actually a red herring and small fry compared to signing up to a life with an addict. Oen currently abstaining yes but for how long.

Really think hard if you want to take that on.

Firstly I’d absolutely still come but I think you need to recognise that weddings are kind of long and alcohol gives people more
social stamina. There is a risk that people head off shortly after the meal because rightly or wrongly alcohol is a social lubricant- not necessarily people getting smashed but a few glasses of wine does make people chattier and much more likely to dance. Plus they are more likely to want to drive home and save money.

I hardly drink, maybe one or two drinks at a wedding, NYE type of thing but my DH would massively struggle with this. He needs alcohol to socialise, I find it really sad.

I don’t get these snippy comments about people not coping without alcohol

everyone knows that just as you may want a few drinks as is the norm at a wedding doesn’t mean you can’t cope without alcohol and are an alcoholic.

everyine can cope. It’s whether you want to. As said though, I’d go, no biggie, I’d think it a bit shit no wine etc with dinner, but I can’t say I’d stay into the evening long, I’d drive home.

Yes, absolutely. It's your wedding so it's your rules. Sounds like a great idea, rather than people over indulging, embarrassing themselves, waking up with a terrible hangover and barely remembering the wedding. If people can't cope with an event that doesn't involve alcohol then they don't have to come. Just one thing to be aware of though, if people know of your partner's previous alcoholism, they may well 'blame' him for the wedding being alcohol free, and it might become a bit of an elephant in the room?

No reply in 12 pages 🤔

If this is genuine, I’d say go ahead - it’s your wedding. If I care enough about you to come full stop, I care enough to go without wine for the day. However, there are points to consider:

1. Tell people as soon as possible. No one wants to waste money booking a hotel or cabs if they can drive.

2. Where are you holding the wedding? Is it somewhere you actually can keep alcohol-free? For example, if it’s a hotel, you can say no alcohol to be served in the function room, but there’s likely to be a public bar too. Are you prepared for the fact that people might well nip out throughout the day?

3. How will you feel if people do leave early? Ignore the posts saying how sad it is that people “can’t cope” without alcohol for one day - accept the reality of it, which is that some people will be disappointed. Is having an alcohol free wedding more important than a packed dance floor until 11?

I think it’s absolutely understandable but I would definitely refer to it on the invites like a pp suggested so it’s not a shock. A lot of people would plan their way on getting there assuming they may have a few drinks so by knowing in advance then this could save them booking taxis/hotels as I’d then obviously choose to drive if I knew it was alcohol free.

Me for example! I’m by no means a drinker, however, I do like a glass of Champagne at a wedding.

I also think the answer is

stick to it, his sobriety is critical and he’s clearly not comfortable around alcohol yet and that’s ahy he suggested it,

tell your guests, so you don’t put them to unnecessary expense or take them by surprise.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, it’s your wedding and you should do as you would like. I agree that if people can’t go without a drink for a day or an evening then that’s a them problem, although I also agree, it’s best to give people the heads up. I don’t think you need to announce it in any great detail or reveal anything that you don’t want to, just that you’re having an “alcohol free wedding”.

Maybe it’s my age, generation or just the circles I move in, I don’t see hardly anyone drink these days, especially compared to the times of when I was young. People these days seem more health and money conscious. But my husband and I rarely drink ourselves, we can definitely take it or leave it so maybe that clouds my view a bit. Have a great day 💍💒👰

This.

I think you must tell people in advance so that they don't go to unwarranted expense with taxis and/ or hotels when it turns out they could just drive.

I am also curious about the venue. Do they know the plan? Is it somewhere that has a bar and, if so, how can you prevent people buying their own drinks?

You should absolutely do it as it makes sense for you as a couple but I think you'll need some sort of explanation there, even if it's just "for personal reasons". Anyone who knows that it's for personal reasons and still decides to give you hassle over it probably doesn't deserve to be invited in the first place.

Really surprised at how many people wouldn't attend. Aren't you supposed to attend the wedding because you want to celebrate the couple and their marriage? I really don't see what part of that absolutely must involve alcohol. I guess if you don't want to stay for the dancing then I can sort of understand that (though I don't drink alcohol and have zero issues dancing at weddings) but to not go at all? Can't get my head around it.

I don’t drink at all, so would have no problem with an alcohol free wedding. Although I agree with telling people in advance re booking taxis etc.

I agree that people might leave earlier - not in a “well sod this, if I can’t drink I’m out of here” kind of way, but just because my ability to dance all night did need a bit of wine behind it. I don’t have the staying power now I don’t drink!

And I’d say that, even if people are wrong to be nosy, it’s naive to think there won’t be questions (and speculation) about what is undeniably an unusual decision. Is there a bar at the venue that you’ll be saying can’t sell alcohol, or is it not a venue with a bar?

And personally, obviously I can "get through one afternoon without drinking" but I'd massively prefer to have a drink or several if that afternoon was at someone's wedding, and that's hardly a fringe position
Preferring to have a drink is one thing. What is weird is to decide not to bother attending at all if alcohol is not present. It really says that alcohol is the main incentive rather than being their for the bride and groom.

You are bound to get folk not happy about this as no reason is being given which is your choice. Don't think I'd be inviting 70 people and expect them to be happy about no alcohol. You should say for health reasons then folk would understand.

I seriously don't get why you would have to 'warn' people. Jeez can you not enjoy a day out or an evening without drinking alcohol?

Why would you consider a wedding a waste of time if you couldn't get pissed? Really? You can get drunk any other day of the week but this day is about the bride and groom not your desire to drink alcohol.

I'd be very happy to come to your alcohol free wedding OP - it sounds lovely. You do your wedding your way. But I do agree with some pps who suggest having a pre arranged sentence to say if anyone make a comment just to keep things easy for you both on the day.

Because some people are making such a huge fuss and it was similar on a recent vegan wedding thread.

To the point, on both threads, some people would refuse to go. That isn't a 'no biggie' thing if they only turn up to weddings due to the fact alcohol and/or meat will be involved.

I'd say you're in the majority of people who can drink without getting bladdered.