To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Under the circumstances I understand your reasoning. However depending on the venue guests might expect to be able to buy alcohol even if it's not provided.

FWIW I'm going to a wedding which will definitely facto be alcohol free for half the guests because it's in the middle of nowhere with no accommodation nearby so will have to drive.

Maybe, but doesn't that prove that he won't go to a function WITH alcohol, and others won't go to a function WITHOUT alcohol? Who has the moral upper hand here?

@PopItStar
I don't drink, and many of my family members died of alcohol abuse, including my father. So I say it from a place of understanding. However....
We do not live in a non-drinking culture, and/or yours is not a Muslim or other type of religious wedding where there is customary not to have alcohol.

So - you two need to bite the bullet and own it, not hide it under a rug.
You can say - "For health and personal reasons".... and make it clear in the invitation.
You should also expect people to bring in their own drinks - I am guessing. As most adults do like to have a drink when socialising, and certainly at weddings. And you won't be able - and shouldn't really try to police that, as those are adults and your choices are not theirs.

Finally - I am sure your H socialises with people who drink. After work, at events, etc. I do know he needs to make a conscious choice not to drink every day - it's how addiction works. It's his personal struggle, and his personal choice.

But like being a vegetarian (which I also am) - I would not impose that on a wedding party. Unless all were friends from AA and vegetarians as well.
IMHO

Whoever is hosting the event decides, surely.

I'd let people now in advance.

Consider a venue where there isn't a bar as otherwise the party will move into the bar.

Consider having an afternoon tea type of wedding instead and everyone is heading home by 6-ish.

Absolutely fine imo, in this situation.

I think you just need to add at the bottom of the invite 'please note the wedding will be alcohol free'.

As I said previously, it’s a celebration of how far he’s come IMO.

People who slope of for a drink, they’re very disrespectful.

i mean if the groom can manage beating an addiction, surely the guests can for one day.

If you expect the groom to have alcohol around to suit the guests, because you feel they should be made to feel comfortable, how about you making the groom feel comfortable instead?

Unfortunately, for some recovering alcoholics, drinks like Nosecco can be more dangerous than straightforward non-alcoholic drinks.

The look and taste triggers the compulsion to drink without satisfying it, making cravings worse.

It's a bit like seeing cream cake when you are on a diet can make you crave one more.

Ive known quite a few recovering alcoholics (personal and through work) and I have to say - sorry op - the ones who couldnt even be around alcohol were the ones who without fail relapsed time and time again. Although tbf I am talking about the ones who were generally functioning alcoholics who hadnt completely hit their rock bottom event.

My son’s wedding was alcohol free in October (not in England). The reason they chose to have it alcohol free was that neither they nor either family is really into pubs and alcohol-based nights out, and, as many of the guests were Irish, they didn’t want the emphasis to be on drinking rather than anything else. In case anyone thinks I’m typecasting here, I’m Irish, living in Ireland, and have plenty of experience of weddings where the sole purpose of the evening seemed to be propping up the bar rather than dancing, mixing etc.
My son’s wedding was great fun and no one left early. OP, have your alcohol-free wedding. It’s more important to be supportive of your future husband than a bunch of people who can’t enjoy themselves without the prop of alcohol.

It's also revolting and a very expensive way to provide non alcoholic bubbles.
IMO

Plus I wouldn’t want to spend £200 plus in a taxi when I could drive (that would really annoy me) and all the extras new dress, baby sitters etc.

This is a really good point about telling people up front. I would opt to drive if I know I'm not drinking so would be annoyed if I'd had to arrange/pay for a taxi for no reason.

And I'd just much rather know so I'm not disappointed on the day. Expectation setting is always a good thing! It's not about not being able to manage without alcohol for a day, it's that a celebration like that it is a norm unless you are from a non-drinking social group so it would come as a surprise. Plus it'll hopefully stop an exodus to the local Spar. Those really bothered will sneak a hip flask in.

Op wouldnt be able to stop people getting it if they want it. There's so many sneaky little ways to sneak booze into somewhere.... 😬

The bride and groom!

'The groom is in recovery and he is choosing to have his big day in a way that isn't going to trigger him or cause him stress and upset

I loathe these medicalised terms attached to drinkers as if he's had major surgery. He isnt in recovery, he is currently controlling it and abstaining.

Why does he need everyone else to abstain so he isn't triggered which will cause him stress and upset? Surely if someone truly is 'in recovery' then they will be able to respect everyone's else's lifestyle choices.

I'm a veggie but I don't expect everyone else to eat the same stuff as me.

Saying "for personal reasons" would make me think someone had (or previously had) an issue with alcohol....but it could potentially be any of the immediate bridal party not necessarily bride or groom ...

Either way i think it would be fine, but would stipulate in advance because it is different from usual expectations of a wedding. (Then people can make decisions on whether they would drive/stay over etc)
I went to a party recently at a sports club with a small (cheap) bar. I wasnt drinking alcohol as I was driving. I was impressed at how many alcohol free options there were.

Weddings are, in the most part, a long and tiresome day. Booze is needed.

You can have an alcohol free wedding, but most guests will find it odd, boring and won’t want to go. I’d be making my excuses to leave at the earliest possible juncture.

I think you should stick to AF. Considering you DH is more important than anyone else letting their hair down as people do at wedding

I'd have a stock reply of 'for personal reasons'. Most people will assume someone in the family has an issue with alcohol then and it means you don't have to specific its your DH.

Exactly. Everyone will be giggling sneaking in flasks of gin or whatever. Drinking in the toilets so as not to get told off.
It just isn't the vibe you want at a wedding.

Many people don’t “need” booze to get through a wedding.

I think it’s a brilliant idea! My mind wouldn’t skip to having an alcohol issue either - I’d think it was a lifestyle choice. Being teetotal is becoming more and more common.

No, because that's a function of circumstances and life, not everyone can not bring a kid for countless reasons. And leaving behind the kids you are legally responsible for in general could be difficult for countless reasons.

Nobody needs to drink, it has no impact on going. If you have to rely on a dependency of a drug to be able to go to a place, at the very least there's a good chance there's a problem. Especially if your thought when hearing about the idea of no alcohol is that the need for alcohol is as important as a parents need to look after their children . . .

Or you are looking for an excuse to not go anyway. Either way alcohol free isn't the problem there.

I had an alcohol-free wedding. For a few different reasons, it was family and extended family only and skewed mostly older, but there was no alcohol, and somehow people survived the evening.

Anyone who knows the groom has had problems with alcohol shouldn't be too surprised, and anyone who doesn't can draw their own conclusions. Maybe some people will be disappointed, but so what? It's one night out of their lives. If they can't have a nice time at a wedding without a drink in their hands, they're fairly pathetic in my view.

Have the wedding you want, as long as you want, at the time of day that you want, and leave it to guests to refuse to come or be annoyed, etc. That's their choice.

Your STBDH's sobriety is and has to be the priority. There's always something guests will complain about after the wedding, so it might as well be this.

If it were me, I'd probably not have the late-night disco/band and make the day solely about the wedding and not the party. Ceremony, photos, dinner with speeches and loitering afterwards with a set finish time. All wrapped up in 6 hours.

The guests can then go home and get pissed if they want to. And you leave with your sober husband.

OP hasn't said that he can't be around alcohol at all, to be fair. It might be the case of him just wanting his special day to be a day where he can fully relax.