Teen daughter eating in secret - AIBU to tell her I know?

[Secreteatinghelp]

I'd love some advice. DD (15) has been referred to an endocrinologist for hormonal (period related) issues. At our first appointment the endo gently expressed concern about DD's weight. She is 5'3" and *75kg, has always carried extra but has gained significantly in the last six months or so. She has stopped growing height wise (we know this as she's had an xray to investigate as part of the investigation into her hormonal situation.)

During the appointment we discussed DD's diet. We eat very healthily at home, she takes healthy lunches to school, and she exercises regularly, although mostly weights rather than cardio. We have all therefore been at a loss to understand her weight gain, which to be clear is a concern for me from a health POV only.

I discovered last night that DD has been eating extra meals before coming home and having dinner. Her banking app is on my phone (it's actually my second current account that she uses for her pocket / bday money / Saturday job money). It was showing a notification last night and so I opened it, which I don't normally do. There on the main screen is a string of payments - once or twice a week - to local takeaways. There are also lots of payments to local supermarkets and convenience shops. For example there's £15 to the local fish and chip place.

I find this whole area so hard to talk to her about. We have a very close relationship and she knows I think she's wonderful and beautiful. We only very rarely talk about her diet and then it's only from a health pov.

I feel like I have to tell DD I've seen the payments in the app and try to talk to her about it, but I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach. We're due to see the endo in a few weeks and I think we need to give her the whole picture.

I'm feeling really conflicted about whether to say anything at all, hence the AIBU. I'm scared of pushing her into being even more secretive.

MNHQ at OP's request corrected typo 175kg to 75kg

I'd contact a group such as the following for advice as to how best to approach your daughter.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

I can’t imagine she’s actually 175kg, did you mean 75kg?

That aside, it’s a very difficult thing to bring up. Does she know you can see transactions on her card in general?

Did you mean 75kg or 175lb?!

Yes of course ask her about it! It might be a relief for her to talk about it. You can tip toe around this stuff so much it becomes the opposite of good parenting. I get the fact that you don’t want to shame her but this is impacting her health. The excess weight will be affecting her hormones.

Sorry, but I really need to check - is 175kg correct or (possibly) a typo? If it’s correct, that would make her very seriously obese. As a comparison, I’m 5 foot and somewhat obese but I weigh about 85kg.
As far as what you do about the eating is concerned, I think you should tread carefully to avoid pushing it further underground and therefore worsening the situation.

From someone with a lifelong binge eating & compulsive eating disorder: it's an eating disorder. Talk to her about it as you would another health issue.

No blame, no shame, an honest discussion about what her experience is regarding food and eating and if/how she'd like to address it. I think you need to understand if she sees it as a problem right now and if she fees like it's her fault for being "weak" or lacking discipline or anything else people like to say about overeating disorders, because that's going to inform how open she is to tackling it and the methods she'd be open to trying.

There are a ton of different reasons people eat - hormones and biology not the least (see Dr Jason Fung's books) and there are also a lot of ways it can be addressed. External help ALWAYS makes it easier, which may look like a slimming club or may look like RTT therapy (useful for me) or may be something else entirely.

Either way, make sure she knows this is not her fault, there's nothing wrong with her, but she's on a trend for weight gain and health issues (you could work out what she might weigh 6 months from now, or a year from now if she carries on gaining weight - not in an unkind way, just a reality check as to what is going to happen unless things change) and there's no easier time to address it than right now.

Obviously also try & figure out if there's anything else causing her to eat - trauma or anything she may not have told you about. Hope this helps.

I would bet my front teeth that she’s battling insulin resistance.

It drives hunger because you can’t get enough fuel. The cells “switch off” the fuel intake so blood sugar rises and so does hunger due to the fuel shortage.

It’s not about volume of food, it's about giving her body the fuel she can actually use. Try low carb.

i think you should speak to her, yes. Be honest and say you were alerted by the banking app and that you feel it’s important that the health professionals understand the full picture in order to help. Try and find out if she is comfortable/emotional eating or just hungry.

if hungry, send her to school with bigger lunches or healthy snacks as well. If it’s emotional eating she might want to talk to someone. It’s so often a vicious cycle: overweight - feeling low - comfort eat - overweight.

ask her how you can help her.

If it weren’t for the endo I’d say don’t mention it, don’t destroy her trust.

But getting medical advice based on lies isn’t going to help her. If she’s eating more than she’s admitting and that’s important information (I don’t know exactly what would be discussed but I assume diet is important info here) then I think giving false information to a medical practitioner who is then prescribing treatment for her is worse than upsetting her by letting her know.

It’s a really tough one. When you tell her that you know, make it clear that you only just found out due to this notification, it’s not something you’ve known for a long time and have been hiding from her or she may feel you’ve been judging her for a long time.

Yes, this. Absolutely right.

The 175kg must be a typo? At that weight her mobility and skin is likely severely affected. She couldn’t have reached such a weight with just a few extra meals. For example at that weight she wouldn’t be able to scanned in the regular CT scanner at my hospital. If it is indeed the correct weight then you need urgent input from a dietitian, she is at serious risk of Type II diabetes and so many other related health conditions. I hope you are able to access some support that must be incredibly difficult to navigate, of course endocrine conditions can affect weight, does she have a diagnosis, have they checked her thyroid, HBAC1?

I used to secret eat as a kid - and I have to admit that I still do it occasionally now .... and I live alone (yep, figure that out).

I would buy sandwiches and stash them in my bedroom. I would eat perhaps 4 pre bought sarnies in one sitting and then eat my dinner that evening. I still find that I never really feel full.

My parents had a 'sweetie draw' and I was allowed one piece of chocolate a week from that drawer. But then I discovered a stash of little club biscuits, twix .... that sorta thing that were loose in a tin. I would sit on the kitchen floor when everyone was out the house, and eat until I felt sick.

I am now 52, and I'm on a serious diet at the moment, but I remembered I had a pack of Starbars left in the cupboard from before Christmas. I ate all 5 bars in one hit. I couldn't stop myself.

I think you need to delicately raise this with your daughter. If she is anything like me, she knows it isn't normal but perhaps can't stop herself. Once she realises you are getting notifications whenever she spends money - it might be the incentive she needs to stop. I really wish someone had spoken to me when I was a teenager - as it might have stopped the binge / secret eating thing I still have to this current day.

PCOS can create compulsive eating, and it needs dealing with quickly before it becomes a lifelong problem. I’d approach it from the perspective that it’s a symptom of the illness and needs treating as such. You could also contact beat as advised above.

I think it’s pretty normal for kids/teens, when they first have money, to blow it on unhealthy “treat” food. My DS started high school and had to commute by train and wound up gaining a lot of weight in the first six months because he was coming out of school hungry, tired and cold and buying unhealthy snacks to eat while he waited for the train. Chocolate bars, crisps, soft drink - all food we don’t have at home. Like you, I only realised when I looked at his bank account transactions.

I had the same dilemma about what to do/say. Partly we restricted his access to money, but that’s not really viable for a 15 year old. We did chat a bit about healthier things he could eat, with a particular focus on protein like PP said, eg cold boiled eggs or packets of cooked chicken fillets from Tesco/Sainsbuys. It’s helped a bit but not completely solved the problem.

Realistically, at 15 you can’t control what she eats, you have to help her do that herself. Suspect that as PP has said, it would be worth talking to a professional.

Yeah she can't be nearly 30 stone. And still do a Saturday job and do weights and go to school every day? She'd be virtually immobile at that size?

I really really hope the weight thing was a typo!

The insulin resistance thing is not supported by reputable sources

It’s a difficult one @Secreteatinghelp . An eating disorder, so I’d look at help for that

If she is seriously 175kg you need a major intervention. Im 5ft2 and very overweight at 90kg. I dont know where to start, but youd be needing serious professional (probably paid for) intervention x

Sounds like she's food addicted. Tell her once it's under control, she won't even feel the cravings. It's horrible to be constantly thinking of your next snack and not be able to concentrate on anything else. She does need to do something about it though. Doctor?

Hi op. I used to secretly binge eat when I was your daughter's age and still do so to this day. In 30 years I have not learnt how to deal with food in a healthy way. I'm trying to think what might have helped me when I was your daughter's age. I would have been mortified if my parents had found out but maybe if they had got me help I could have learnt better coping mechanisms.

I would gently raise it with your daughter in a non judgemental, just trying to understand kind of way. Maybe you can take the shame out of It by telling her that her hunger could be driven hormonally, that junk food is designed to be addictive but there are ways to deal with that.

Just reread your post. To be honest if she is eating out just twice a week even if it's not healthy I don't think that at her age it would significantly contribute to her weight gain especially if she is also working out and eats healthily for the rest of the week.

Just re-read your post to see she also buys food from the supermarket otherwise. How often is that? Is it every day?

Could you come at it from a different angle - takeaways are expensive and I would of course be concerned at the overeating issue but I would be annoyed at the expense and waste of money.

You could also invent a mouse/ant issue and ban eating upstairs entirely

SORRY - yes, I meant 75kg. Fundamental mistake there - apologies.

We've looked at the app together before now to admire her bank balance since she got her Saturday job. However, I can't believe she would take the risk of me seeing if she had remembered / realised the names would come up.

sorry! Yes, 75kg

Very helpful, thank you. I think the endocrinologist will be invaluable in helping both of us to understand if there's any cause or effect going related to her hormones, and therefore how to tackle it - ie as an eating disorder or a hormone issue as the root cause.