Teen daughter eating in secret - AIBU to tell her I know?

[Secreteatinghelp]

I'd love some advice. DD (15) has been referred to an endocrinologist for hormonal (period related) issues. At our first appointment the endo gently expressed concern about DD's weight. She is 5'3" and *75kg, has always carried extra but has gained significantly in the last six months or so. She has stopped growing height wise (we know this as she's had an xray to investigate as part of the investigation into her hormonal situation.)

During the appointment we discussed DD's diet. We eat very healthily at home, she takes healthy lunches to school, and she exercises regularly, although mostly weights rather than cardio. We have all therefore been at a loss to understand her weight gain, which to be clear is a concern for me from a health POV only.

I discovered last night that DD has been eating extra meals before coming home and having dinner. Her banking app is on my phone (it's actually my second current account that she uses for her pocket / bday money / Saturday job money). It was showing a notification last night and so I opened it, which I don't normally do. There on the main screen is a string of payments - once or twice a week - to local takeaways. There are also lots of payments to local supermarkets and convenience shops. For example there's £15 to the local fish and chip place.

I find this whole area so hard to talk to her about. We have a very close relationship and she knows I think she's wonderful and beautiful. We only very rarely talk about her diet and then it's only from a health pov.

I feel like I have to tell DD I've seen the payments in the app and try to talk to her about it, but I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach. We're due to see the endo in a few weeks and I think we need to give her the whole picture.

I'm feeling really conflicted about whether to say anything at all, hence the AIBU. I'm scared of pushing her into being even more secretive.

MNHQ at OP's request corrected typo 175kg to 75kg

Have you considered that she is paying for the food openly as she wants you to find out? She could withdraw cash and hide it.

You have to talk to her to find out if she has been doing this for longer than 6 months and whether there is an emotional reason behind the excess weight. Sometimes girls gain weight to reduce unwanted male attention.

I lost a couple of stone when I was about 16 or 17 or something, again like many posters I was a fat baby and therefore a constantly hungry child so I ate a lot and consequently put on weight

If Im honest it was peer pressure and wanting to look nicer. I couldnt maintain it though!

I remember a friends mum, who always expressed concern about my weight and I thought it was patronising but looking back they were a very healthy and health conscious (not weight concious) family. She said to me one time after we had been out and I had refused a piece of cake (didnt neeed it) that 'I bet that felt good to turn that down'

I thought no, I would rather have the cake!!!

Im old now and have come to the realisation too late that if I want to be the size I should be, I have to turn things down. I cant eat what I like.

My son was 24 with similar BMI and it really shocked him to the point where he actively made changes to stop being fat. He was on the track to obesity and this really worried him.

He exercises now. He tracks his calories and snacks less. He eats out, but makes sure to be sensible. He's lost nearly 10kg now and we really proud of him.

I will say when I was overweight the thing that made me realise that I was "too big" was that I wasn't allowed to be prescribed the pill - that kicked it off but the ongoing motivation after that was looking good.

Very vain, but very true!

I would absolutely get her WLI

Can you get them for children? I dont know

And your 3 year waiting list, you can double that for ADHD (well round here anyway)

I used to secret eat too and still do sometimes.
For me I think it stemmed from my mum being very focused on “good” and “bad” food and food, especially snacks, being tightly controlled at home (it came from a good place so not entirely blaming my mum but there was a lot of shame around eating for me especially as a girl). I was always actually a healthy weight until I had kids and am now a couple of stone overweight so never had a huge problem just not a very healthy relationship with food when I was younger.

What would have helped me most I think is taking the shame out of it - so approach it in a way of it’s ok if you eat on the way home from school sometimes but let me know if that means you’re too full for dinner. Or being generally more relaxed about the healthy food at home, don’t make anything forbidden fruit. I would also set a spending limit so she actually can’t afford to be buying meals every day, give her enough to do it once a week with money for a snack only the other days.
It is very unlikely to be purely because of hunger but you could supply some healthy snack bars or extra sandwich to eat on the way home so it removes a bit of temptation.

175 kg is 27 stone! How did she get to that size without anyone helping her before!

It is overweight. I’m a little shorter than you and a couple of KG less, I am definitely overweight.

I am just under 5’2”, but at that weight I was a modern size 16, which is a 1990s size 20+, and even bigger for 1970s sizes. I think people forget how much bigger modern sizing is, and whilst that is fine when someone is tall, for those of us who aren’t, I really think it can disguise the reality of being medically overweight or obese (people saying ‘oh you’re not big’ at a size 16 when I was effectively a size 20/22 - I was clinically obese and it was not healthy). Eg my old size 8 trousers from the mid 90s had a 24” waist, ones I bought 5 years ago had a 30” waist

This has already been addressed by OP, it was a typo.

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. You're right, she could be heavier. She weighed herself and the endo appointment was over zoom. We've been waiting for an NHS appointment to no avail and have ended up going private which is a bloody fortune. Next appt will be in person though, so that doc can examine her and assess her body composition properly as well as going through loads of test results.

Well again, here's the thing that is difficult to say out loud. It's just a fact that humans are animals and those who look the healthiest look the most attractive to 'mates'. Yes we fall in love with people of all shapes and sizes, but on a basic statistical level it's pretty blooming obvious who gets the most choice.

The funny thing is she has a pile of cash in her room from birthday gifts late last year. It did cross my mind that she might almost want me to find out. Then again she could just be being daft. Or alternatively she might just want the food so, so much that she's willing to take the risk.

I just want to say you sound like a really good mum and it’s great you are getting her medical help too. Have they explored PCOS? I was a teen with the insatiable hunger and I didn’t have any money so would sneak to my godmothers house who would feed me more food.

As an adult I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS and ADHD (my brain seeks the dopamine rush that snacks give me) it would be so much easier knowing it back then!

Good for you! Part of me hopes that if she loses a little bit for whatever reason, she will then realise how much she enjoys being lighter and it will suddenly motivate her.

I'm speaking to the doc about WLI for her tomorrow, and going to do the ADHD diagnosis privately. It's all going to cost me a fortune but her health and happiness comes first.

I lost the weight as a teen because I wanted to look nice, wear fashionable clothes and attract boys. We started going to clubs and I wanted to wear a catsuit rather than jeans (this was the 80s!)

But I did it by starving myself and then in my 20s it went back on. It just started a pattern of awful habits and yo-yo weight that still isn’t fixed.

Thank you so much. We're at an early stage with the tests - bloods being taken next week - but yes PCOS is 'on the list' of possible culprits of her period related issues so they will be looking for it.

You are though, that height and weight is the very upper limit of overweight, another few pounds puts you into the obese category.

@Secreteatinghelp If you mail MNHQ they will amend your typo in the OP and then there's a very good chance this won't turn into another cancel the cheque saga as people are simply incapable of reading through a thread!

[email protected]

It's nothing to do with fitness and it really isnt BS. Being fit and able to exercise dosent mean that you aren't damaging your internal organs, raising your risk of diabetes, stroke, hear disease and cancer.

I think BMI would pretty much have you in the obese category at that weight

I am not sure you’ll get WLI for teens, there are so many restrictions. But I really do think those who were born hungry should be first on the list for them. There’s clearly some sort of insatiable natural drive to eat that these people have and others don’t. They’re lacking something chemically, in the same way that we treat those lacking in serotonin with antidepressants. Why should these people wait until they’re morbidly obese with other co morbidities until they can access treatment?

I know BMI is a bit of a blunt instrument. My step sons both fell into the 'overweight' category when weighed at primary school, despite having flat stomachs etc - but they also had knees like mammoth bones so it was pretty obvious that they had bigger frames and more muscle on them than their friends of a similar height at 10.

This is not the case with DD though.

I was a secret/binge eater as a teenager and young adult, very obsessed with sweets and crisps (luckily take-aways were not really a thing then, and I couldn't have afforded them anyway - I'm mid 50s now). I was lucky in that I was pretty hyperactive and sporty too, so was also skinny until I hit my late teens when I became a more normal weight. I just want to highlight what a source of shame my overindulgence was at the times when people made comments, and how much more shameful it would have been with weight issues added into the mix.

Looking back, I also think it's important acknowledge what a source of joy it was for me too: popping into the sweet shop etc. I rememeber when I was student going to the local Coop each day to buy an enormous bag from the pick-n-mix, and enjoying eating all of it! The sense of 'letting go' was obviously a big part of my behaviour.

Reflecting back now, I can see how easily this could have tipped over into bulimia when I was in my 20s and I had put on a bit of weight, but somehow I got on track. I'm not sure how. I never talked about it with anyone (I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mum).

I can remember a time at university when I resolutely decided to always eat three full meals a day and never diet, and also not get too hung up on moments of excess, and has worked for me every since (in that I'm a healthy weight and don't really binge eat, although I still very much enjoy the secret eating of crisps at times).

As a teenager, I'm not sure if it would have helped me to have had my secret indulgences pointed out, even if done gently and sympathically. I doubt I would have changed, just would have got better at hiding it. However, my mum wasn't really the type to have engaged in an empathetic and non-judgemental conversation.

I'm not sure if any of this is very helpful OP, but your post triggered something in me, and I wanted to share my experience in case it offered some insight.