Teen daughter eating in secret - AIBU to tell her I know?

[Secreteatinghelp]

I'd love some advice. DD (15) has been referred to an endocrinologist for hormonal (period related) issues. At our first appointment the endo gently expressed concern about DD's weight. She is 5'3" and *75kg, has always carried extra but has gained significantly in the last six months or so. She has stopped growing height wise (we know this as she's had an xray to investigate as part of the investigation into her hormonal situation.)

During the appointment we discussed DD's diet. We eat very healthily at home, she takes healthy lunches to school, and she exercises regularly, although mostly weights rather than cardio. We have all therefore been at a loss to understand her weight gain, which to be clear is a concern for me from a health POV only.

I discovered last night that DD has been eating extra meals before coming home and having dinner. Her banking app is on my phone (it's actually my second current account that she uses for her pocket / bday money / Saturday job money). It was showing a notification last night and so I opened it, which I don't normally do. There on the main screen is a string of payments - once or twice a week - to local takeaways. There are also lots of payments to local supermarkets and convenience shops. For example there's £15 to the local fish and chip place.

I find this whole area so hard to talk to her about. We have a very close relationship and she knows I think she's wonderful and beautiful. We only very rarely talk about her diet and then it's only from a health pov.

I feel like I have to tell DD I've seen the payments in the app and try to talk to her about it, but I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach. We're due to see the endo in a few weeks and I think we need to give her the whole picture.

I'm feeling really conflicted about whether to say anything at all, hence the AIBU. I'm scared of pushing her into being even more secretive.

MNHQ at OP's request corrected typo 175kg to 75kg

I think I'd take her out for lunch - not somewhere healthy and defo order a pud - and while talking about your food say 'BTW, I've been meaning to talk to you about some of the charges coming up on the banking app....'

I'd make sure I stated VERY clearly that you are not worried about her weight and that you think she looks great - the KICKER is the potential for a bad habit starting, particularly a 'hidden' one, and the knowledge that comes with age that these things are usually coping mechanisms and best nipped in the bud.

Kids need to understand that these kinds of behaviours are both human and pernicious.

Everyone has coping mechanisms - some healthy, some really not, and being able to recognise an issue emerging is a skill for life.

How many conversations do we have as women with friends over the years about wanting to stop drinking wine every evening or stop eating biscuits or chocolate etc - it's HARD to break a bad habit because they are often so wound up in our emotions.

If you've ever struggled with anything like this, share it with her. She needs to understand that she doesn't need to feel any shame for an extremely common issue.

Bless her. Most of us get what it's like.

It's so hard.

And if it turns out that she's just doing it because her friends are then, well, it's a general health concern and a bad habit to get into to eat double meals anyway, never mind the cost!

It sounds like you have a good relationship with DD, I'm sure a bit of girl time and a good chat will help.

Good luck!

That doesn't sound right. I've been reading about PCOS and I thought the cysts / polyps are something that CAN result from the underlying syndrome. It doesn't mean you haven't got the syndrome if it hasn't caused cysts as far as I understand it.

I love this approach. This is the best reply on this thread.

I would have a chat to her and simply say what you have said here. You've stumbled across the payments and it's clear that she is eating a lot of additional food outside of normal meal times. You are concerned about the long term consequences of it, it's easier to lose a stone now than lose it later in life.

It's the NHS, she's not going to have unlimited appointments with a specialist so you need to be clear with her nicely that you will be sharing this info with the specialist as there is a possibility that her appetite is being driven by hormonal issues and you want to explore that.

There was also a TV programme on BBC I think where a nutritionist spent several weeks eating ultra processed food and then compared his health against his twin brother. Staggering results that showed a long term impact, so building awareness of what this will do to her body is also key. If she has a health condition she will need to educate herself [as will you] as to how to manage this sensibly so food doesn't become a battle ground or a place of shame.

She may be heavier than you think. I’m the same height and weight as your DD and I’m a 14-16 dress size. I am currently wearing size 14 jeans.

I will say that at this weight, I feel overweight and feel it is causing me low level health issues, whatever people say about it not being that overweight. (I’m in my forties.) You’re doing the right thing to support her with this.

Unfortunately it's not the NHS - her other issues need attention now and we've given up waiting for an appointment. We're seeing a private endo a four hour train ride away so I'm even more determined we don't muck about! That documentary sounds revealing.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0025gqs/irresistible-why-we-cant-stop-eating

This was definitely one of them
The UK one on panorama doesnt' seem to be on BBC player any more but looks like the experiment has been repeated in the USA and may be on netflix

But there's tons of this stuff on all the channels to be fair. C4 do them every January, my 13 yro watched one with me and there was a young couple with two young children eating too much processed stuff and their health was really starting to look off when they ran tests on them. They revamped what they were eating with the kids and snacking on and completely turned it around. My 13yo was super impressed and much easier to impress them at this age. I don't think I've eaten McDonalds since I read Fast Food Nation as a teenager.

Does she cook at all with you? That's the other side of it a) just understanding what goes into treat foods in terms of sugar and butter but b) learning to cook food you enjoy healthily is a life skill.

Yes couple of things while they're in my mind, Im remembering now I think about it, that I had all the symptoms of PCOS, polyps, hair everywhere, overweight, starving, but I remember being told that my hormone levels were normal.

Well I dont know what they were because these days I would be scouring those results with a fine tooth comb but in those days I didnt question it

So she may have normal hormone results genuinely, or she might have what the NHW call 'normal' and you'll have to do a bit of research.

And you're right that the act of then being overweight may make her secfretive or shameful, I am very clear with myself now and on these boards (and normally get shouted down) - there is no bad or unhealthy food. There is only food which is either positive for your body at any one time or something that your body may not need or could have done without. To try to phrase it about what your body needs rather than doesnt need rather than it being 'bad' or 'naughty' (my bug bear) or unhealthy.

Well I thought it was odd but it was in the days before the internet and when I didnt question things enough but there you are

Im past it now and apparently now have fibroids which they wont do anything about, not saying they should just that its 'well you have fibroids which is why you feel like you're wetting yourself all the time'. Oh, ok then.

I think you need to say something. It's not necessarily an eating disorder at this age - I ate a LOT at that age as I was exercising constantly. It was when the exercise stopped and I didn't moderate that the problems started.

But there is no point investigating potential underlying issues if she's not going to be honest. She's likely to be very defensive - I know I would have been - so maybe get some help from one of the sources listed above - but I think it's important to mention it.

Good luck. Really tricky avenue to navigate.

Be careful with this @Secreteatinghelp - as of right now there's actually no evidence that she IS hiding meals
She could be buying and sharing with her mates
She could be enjoying having her own money and buying food for a friend who doesn't have the spare cash
She could be buying as part of a big group and then just grazing

Definitely don't do the method suggested upthread and tell her you've discovered she's eating loads and you're worried about her health as in actuality you've only discovered she's spending money at food establishments. God forbid she's not actually eating it all and you decide to have an intervention about the secret bingeing that wasn't - basically states to her face that you think its her fault she's overweight- especially if it's potentially hormones!

The method of being the mum who nags about frivolous spending without ever really mentioning the food aspect is the winner for sure. She'll known you're aware but if she is struggling it might also make her relax about talking food with you (as you're clearly unphased and just being a typical mum going on about wasting money instead of saving for a rainy day!) and it also means you can have "a brainwave" at the doctors when next discussing diet and go with the "oh what about your supermarket hauls DD is there anything in those worth telling the doctor about" and hopefully leave the door open for the doctor and your daughter to discuss

Also BMI shouldnt be used for someone regularly lifting weights Bollocks! Sorry but that's total nonsense. And the idea that a 15 year old is smart enough to know her binge eating is making her fat therefore it shouldn't be addressed is also bollocks. I was that 15 year old and I didn't understand what was happening or really anything about nutrition, calories, exercise or body fat. I wish my mum had addressed it with me properly!

How can you have polycystic ovaries without cysts?

Because the disorder causes the cysts but they dont always appear

I had no periods, ever and hair everywhere. Which I still have

Cysts one minute then not on a later scan.

which I am now dubious of anyway as Ive had countless scans for things over the years where one minute they see something and then they dont.

It's rubbish, isn't it. Unless you have a determined parent to advocate for, or you keep on and on an on, it can feel like the NHS just wants you to go away.

@AmandaBrotzman as pointed out by Evidemment we dont know for sure this is binge eating and the way to make sure the girl gets an eating disorder is to go in heavy handed.

She's eating at least 4 meals a day many days so yes, she's binge eating. Adding an extra high calorie high fat takeaway dinner in secret then going home and eating a whole dinner is the definition of disordered eating.

Obviously lots of helpful advice on ED here. But have you considered she is just hungry?? You say you eat healthy dinners and she takes healthy lunches. Maybe they've gone too far in that direction and just aren't filling her up. Particularly if she is pretty active. Or are making her crave bad foods as little in the way of treats.

Also, you say its secret eating. But its not at all. You can see all her spending! Maybe she has been lying and saying she isn't eating anything else. But shes potentially scared of the reaction.

Definitely talk to her about it. But maybe keep an open mind and don't assume the worst.

Have you seen her eating all this extra food personally then, to be able to confirm it's none of the aforementioned other scenarios?

OP let me know how you get on with the endocrinologist (if you want to share, obvs). The NHS was (perhaps not surprisingly) resistant to my suggestion that my daughter be given Wegovy. At least the doctor was honest though and said we'd be better off going private, so that's what I am going to do. The NHS really is useless with anything that's not immediately life-threatening. I'm booking an appointment with a London paediatrician who specialises in endocrinology and childhood obesity. I'm going to be rinsed for cash but what can you do?!

I would be cautious about approaching this in an accusatory or 'I can see what you're buying manner' (not that I think you sound like you would!) cos she might just start withdrawing cash to feel unwatched.

I would come at it from the angle of 'we're getting all these checks done and we need to be honest with the doctors or they aren't going to be able to help you properly' and ask her if shes snacking at all on the way home from school and if so how much as you know she walks past a few shops and takeaways. See if you can get her to open up to you about it. £15 is a pretty big spend at a chip shop, you could easily buy 2 or 3 meals with that so it could be that shes also buying for friends.

If she says she is, theres your opening to chat.
If she says she isn't I'd follow up with 'I only asked because I checked your balance recently and noticed some money had been spent'

I think its a lot easier than you think to scoff a chippy on way home and then eat a 'healthy meal'. I secret ate a lot as a kid and even now as an adult with my own money and power to make decisions I'll secret eat and binge. I think a lot of that is because we never had the sweets etc as a child and so it gives me a big dopamine hit because its such a 'treat'.
Maybe you could suggest you get a chippy or takeaway once a week as a family? If she knows its 'on its way' it might stop her eating on the way home.

No it isnt

Thats not the definition of binge eating at all.

Why do you keep using the word 'secret'

£15 is one round of fish and chips at our chippy now, if you have a can of something with it.

Depends where OP lives I suppose. When I was a teen most people weren't ordering a full fish and chips they'd be having a battered sausage or fishcake (or both) etc which can be just £6 or £7 a meal.
Or we have fish meal deals about £8 near me if its not the large fish and chips.

If shes walking home with it open (presuming its not a restaurant) shes likely not having a full large haddock and chips surely.
It costs me less than £20 for our 3 person family.

OP said ' once or twice a week - to local takeaways.' so shes not having 4 meals a day, every day.