Teen daughter eating in secret - AIBU to tell her I know?

[Secreteatinghelp]

I'd love some advice. DD (15) has been referred to an endocrinologist for hormonal (period related) issues. At our first appointment the endo gently expressed concern about DD's weight. She is 5'3" and *75kg, has always carried extra but has gained significantly in the last six months or so. She has stopped growing height wise (we know this as she's had an xray to investigate as part of the investigation into her hormonal situation.)

During the appointment we discussed DD's diet. We eat very healthily at home, she takes healthy lunches to school, and she exercises regularly, although mostly weights rather than cardio. We have all therefore been at a loss to understand her weight gain, which to be clear is a concern for me from a health POV only.

I discovered last night that DD has been eating extra meals before coming home and having dinner. Her banking app is on my phone (it's actually my second current account that she uses for her pocket / bday money / Saturday job money). It was showing a notification last night and so I opened it, which I don't normally do. There on the main screen is a string of payments - once or twice a week - to local takeaways. There are also lots of payments to local supermarkets and convenience shops. For example there's £15 to the local fish and chip place.

I find this whole area so hard to talk to her about. We have a very close relationship and she knows I think she's wonderful and beautiful. We only very rarely talk about her diet and then it's only from a health pov.

I feel like I have to tell DD I've seen the payments in the app and try to talk to her about it, but I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach. We're due to see the endo in a few weeks and I think we need to give her the whole picture.

I'm feeling really conflicted about whether to say anything at all, hence the AIBU. I'm scared of pushing her into being even more secretive.

MNHQ at OP's request corrected typo 175kg to 75kg

It's a BMI of over 29 - top end of overweight range, close to obese at your height.

75kg is a BMI of 29? Hardly desperately obese. Tread very carefully unless you really want to give her a lifetime of disordered eating

Oh hang on, I've just seen the post where you confirm it's 75kg (11 stone 11lb) not 175kg (27 and a half stone). This completely changes how I was thinking about this. I'm shorter than her and at that weight I was about a size 12, running regularly and looked great and healthy in general.

At 15 years old, this wouldn't be a clothes size I'd be concerned about. If she's secretly eating, is this just a chippy with friends or is it because she's hungry? I've got teens who are constantly hungry, they do a lot of physical activity so it's all good.

When I thought you meant she was nearly 30 stone I assumed she'd be eating vast quantities of secret takeaways and that she needed some serious help from an eating disorder organisation but I think it's more likely that she's still in that hungry phase but has stopped getting taller. Are the weights the only exercise she does? It's great if she is doing that kind of conditioning. It's an age I got bigger as a teen as I quit dancing and all the team sports at school stopped. Are there other ways she'd enjoy moving?

Excess fat could definitely be relevant as a contributor to hormone imbalance so you do need to address it. Equally, hunger, insulin insensitivity and weight gain could be caused by a hormone issue (incl thyroid). I would try to talk to her about any concerns through this lens so it is about sorting out her health issues rather than about her eating habits.

Whatever happens, make sure she is eating enough (calories, fat, protein, carbs) because too little could mess up her metabolism or thyroid even more.

Doing weights should help her in terms of body composition of muscle Vs fat and her metabolism longer term.

I have sympathy OP. My niece is a little overweight, but like your child was born hungry, always hungry from birth. She clearly has some sort of imbalance in her saity hormones but the GP isn’t at all interested as she’s only got a BMI of 28 at age 17, even though shes really miserable with her weight and has become obsessed with exercise as a result.

Also, it's really not ideal for a 15 year old either, sorry but that's true.

As someone with a life long eating disorder which started when I was around 9 years old and has impacted my entire teenager years and adult life, PLEASE talk to her about it, talk to the GP and get her some professional advice. As mentioned above, a good start would be a social media binge eating group before you do anything to get suggestions/advice from others who are going through the same. Don't do anything rash nor too quickly. Take it slow, do some research yourself, so you know a lot more about eating disorders before you talk to her and before you get professional advice.

Please don't go down the "diet" route or start to withhold food from her or start giving her salads with everything instead of chips - it will only encourage her to "secretly" eat more.

With me, it was the school who alerted the "school doctor" as it was back then and my mother and I were called into the local social services offices to see the school doctor due to my weight. I was shamed by the doctor into having to admit buying crisps and chocolates in the school tuck shop every break. My mother was told to put me on a calorie controlled diet. Whilst the rest of the family ate "normally" for them which was typically chips and takeaways, I was given a plate of salad with a slice of ham or chicken! Of course, I carried on buying crisps and chocolates at school, but because I'd been reported by teachers, I got friends to buy it for me and I hid in the school toilets eating it! It was the first step to "secret eating" which blighted my teenage years and adult life. Rather than professional advice or support, my parents just shamed me and continued feeding me boring "rabbit" food whilst they carried on stuffing themselves. I was angry about it, so I continued eating in secret. As a teenager, I'd buy food from the corner shop at school and eat alone in a bus shelter. I completely stopped eating around other people as I was afraid of them shaming me. That continued into adult life. In public, I'd eat salads etc if I was eating with other people, but in private, I'd be stuffing myself with takeaways and crap from corner shops and garages. My weight ballooned up to 23 stones all because of the secret eating.

So, please don't make a big thing of it, don't "shame" her, don't put her on any restrictive diets. You need to give her the chance to explain what she's doing, when and why she's doing it. All in a non judgmental and supportive way. Then ask if she wants help to manage/reduce the problem, and ONLY then, start down the road of the GP and finding professional help, counselling etc. Definitely no knee jerk reactions, no "ambushing" her by telling her you know what she's doing, you have to take every step slowly and gently.

75kgs not 175.... That's a bit clearer...

I might take the 'secret' out of the conversation.

You could even centre it more around the financial side. Keep it at a neutral I noticed you spend quite a lot but not the specifics of 'on food'. It's great you are earning your own money but that could be really useful for future or bigger purchases (is there anything she wants?) I can understand the novelty of spending your own cash, we all go a bit mad etc but is it time to start building better habits? No judgement or you've done wrong, very future focused.

Perhaps ask her if there's particular food she enjoys that you aren't making at home and could you look for some alternatives you can make together :so she doesn't have to spend her money on it' (less because you shouldn't be eating that).

Say that it is important for medical appointments that they have the full information but don't make the conversation about 'I know you are hiding it'. If you can come at it in an adult, matter of fact kind of way without making her feel guilty you may have more success.

It’s great that you are trying to be sensitive about this. I’ve been fat my whole life and aged 54 still have out of control eating habits, including secret eating.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother entirely because of the way she has handled my weight - literally daily comments and suggestions and criticism. She’s always done it and it never ceases to upset me, even now.

Whatever you do, please make it clear you are on her side and not judging her.

It's only a few kilos off obese, and as she's gained rapidly in the last 6 months why would I sit and watch it continue to worsen? If the endocrinologist is concerned about it, then so am I.

As I said in my original post, the last thing I want to do is to make it worse. However it seems to me - especially reading pps from people who were eating in secret as teens, and who say they wish their parents had found out and helped them fix it - that if I turn a blind eye to her disordered eating now there's every chance it will become ingrained for life.

She's not like that. She can't get my size 14 jeans past her knees.

Are you sure she only weighs 75g then, given your comment about the jeans?

I think these threads tend to go to extremes, lots of views about it being an 'eating disorder' or conversely people saying 'shes not that big'

Both of which at this point in time are harmful assumptions.

She needs to understand her eating cues, it could be just down right hunger and habit and if so, lets tweak the habits and the reason for the hunger

It could be something hormonal, so what support can health give?

It could be something psychological in which case you look at that route.

I totally agree. And I think it's been even more normalised among my daughter's generation. In mainstream culture it's treated like it's just another physical feature, like different hair, skin tone, eye colour etc, rather than a health issue - and therefore you're 'rude' to suggest it's less than ideal.

@ChapmanFarm I agree with this approach - constant takeaways are a bad habit not just from a health/weight perspective but also a financial one. Same goes for sweets - it's not my weight that really encourages me to limit them in my adulthood, it's my teeth! I don't eat food out of the kitchen/dining room at home because I don't want mess/ants etc.

Finding non weight reasons to limit "junk" might be your best bet.

I do sympathise, I have one "chunky" kid and one skinned rabbit they have been like that since day one and finding the balance of encouraging healthy choices without creating a disordered dialog is tricky.

Thats a really good point yes.

Its sort of got tied up with 'accept me as I am' in terms of valuing you as a person

But thats not the issue here, its a health issue

I see it the same as if you discovered she was smoking weed regularly or doing some coke. Not healthy.

Thank you for this. I will take it gently, I promise.

I actually wouldnt say anything. Assuming she is a bright enough girl, she knows her secret eating is what is causing her weight gain. Any time my dmum approached a conversation about food or weight with me, it made me completely spiral, even if it was non judgemental, the very fact she was bringing it up meant to me that she knew I wasnt good enough and was confirming my thoughts, and it made me turn to food even more. Is there any way you could have a phone conversation with the endocrinologist about what you have found out, and to ask them to be very careful how they manage it and perhaps refer her to health at any size counselling and dieticians, that she could attend alone if youre in the waiting room.

Also, bmi shouldnt be used for someone regularly lifting weights

Yes, I'm quite sure. Nearly 12 stone at 5'3" is a lot. The endocrinologist certainly thought so and said gently but firmly she's 30% over the healthy range and she (the doctor) wants to investigate.

I’m this height and weight and definitely overweight. I’m trying to loose weight now but menopause is such a pain.
I feel for you OP, no advise as I’m struggling myself but sending a ❤️

Yes I meant are you sure she doesnt weight more than this, but I assume she was weighed at the appointment?

I’m interested to hear from anyone who was like the OPs daughter as a teen then got the weight off as a teen. What gave you the motivation to do that?

PPs are saying what didn’t work, but what did work?

@Firtreefiona I was overweight in my late teens early 20s - I worked at a restaurant, ate there every day, ate sweets all the time and just didn't really think about what I was putting in my body.

I lost the weight in my early/mid 20s - I just wanted to look hot, probably not the answer you wanted, I lost and kept off over nearly 7 stone - looking good is still my motivation over a decade later!

She might like your support. I’ve always struggled with binge eating and told my mum when I was a teenager I was addicted to food, and she completely dismissed me and I got no help. I entered into years of starving/binging/purging and am now an obese adult. I do wonder what help at a younger age could have meant for me, and your daughter might appreciate your help and support similarly.

I'd like to know this too, so I can help my own daughter. I've tried everything - she has a gym membership, I cook healthy balanced meals, I've tried getting rid of all the snacks (but all that happened then was her brother complained a lot and she just bought them herself). She's still gaining weight. She believes she has ADHD and that's why she can't regulate her eating because of lack of impulse control - could well be true but there's a three year waiting list for ADHD clinics here, and I'm worried about the implications of being so overweight at 14. I'm seriously thinking that WLIs might be the way forward - but I don't want her to tip into the other extreme and develop anorexia/bulimia. It's such a difficult thing to manage.