Teen daughter eating in secret - AIBU to tell her I know?

[Secreteatinghelp]

I'd love some advice. DD (15) has been referred to an endocrinologist for hormonal (period related) issues. At our first appointment the endo gently expressed concern about DD's weight. She is 5'3" and *75kg, has always carried extra but has gained significantly in the last six months or so. She has stopped growing height wise (we know this as she's had an xray to investigate as part of the investigation into her hormonal situation.)

During the appointment we discussed DD's diet. We eat very healthily at home, she takes healthy lunches to school, and she exercises regularly, although mostly weights rather than cardio. We have all therefore been at a loss to understand her weight gain, which to be clear is a concern for me from a health POV only.

I discovered last night that DD has been eating extra meals before coming home and having dinner. Her banking app is on my phone (it's actually my second current account that she uses for her pocket / bday money / Saturday job money). It was showing a notification last night and so I opened it, which I don't normally do. There on the main screen is a string of payments - once or twice a week - to local takeaways. There are also lots of payments to local supermarkets and convenience shops. For example there's £15 to the local fish and chip place.

I find this whole area so hard to talk to her about. We have a very close relationship and she knows I think she's wonderful and beautiful. We only very rarely talk about her diet and then it's only from a health pov.

I feel like I have to tell DD I've seen the payments in the app and try to talk to her about it, but I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach. We're due to see the endo in a few weeks and I think we need to give her the whole picture.

I'm feeling really conflicted about whether to say anything at all, hence the AIBU. I'm scared of pushing her into being even more secretive.

MNHQ at OP's request corrected typo 175kg to 75kg

Do you mean NHS GP for WLI? I wouldnt have thought they'll entertain it

The hoops you have to jump through as an adult means its impossible to get, let alone kids

Its a good question though, I havent heard it being discussed in terms of children.

Tread carefully with that train of thought. She may well have never even thought the OP would find out if she thought her online banking was actually "secret" for her eyes only.

Once the OP talks to her, she'll know her spending isn't secret and may well start to go down the alternative route of hiding her spending by taking out cash instead, which is a step in the wrong direction.

When I was binge eating and didn't want people to know (initially parents, but then boyfriend and ultimately husband), I was very crafty not to leave an "audit trail" or other evidence as to what I was doing. Back in the 80s, once I got an M&S store card after starting my first job, I'd actually buy something random from M&S using the card, and then I'd take it back the next day to get a cash refund - this was when they used old fashioned tills and didn't record whether cash or card was used! My card statements showed I was buying a lot of M&S stuff, but in reality, I swapped for cash to buy junk food and takeaways!

It's important to build trust and not go behind your child's back, and certainly not let them know you're going behind their back. You really don't want to cultivate their becoming devious and dishonest.

Hi there,
I think you've had great advice here but I just wanted to raise the spectre of something else because her situation chimes with what happened to my sporty teenage but overweight DD. She was eating (more grazing) because it turned out she had coeliac disease and the eating quelled the pain she was in. Doctors of course investigated her for period related stuff (and in fact she did have PCOS - which is now being considered an auto-immune condition we have been told) but it was only when I begged them to 'wild card test' her that this coeliac thing came up. Explained SO MUCH when she got the diagnosis. So I would ask the endo to do a blood test to rule that out.

I probably would ask her if she wants dinner at home when she gets in?

Is she eating dinner because she thinks she has to?

I known it's a bit odd approach but perhaps putting her in control of her hunger to start with.

My teens discovered our airfryer. We brought a potatoe cutter that makes chips. So they have chips whenever they want.

Maybe going against the grain a bit here but I wouldn't be overly quick to assume an eating disorder or serious psychological issue with food. She's 'only' borderline obese (not saying that's good!) which many girls her age are just from eatng too much crap, especially between meals, and not being active enough.

I think I'd start the conversation with showing her the app and asking 'why are you wasting so much of your own money buying food when we have food at home?' It might be that simple - she wants thee food and is buying it and not thinking about the consequences.

On the other hand, if she does have an eating disorder, it would soon become apparent from the direction the conversation goes in. But you don't want to make her think she has a problem that she may not have.

I have endocrine issues and I find it very hard to control my hunger.
I would approach it from that angle. Say you’ve seen the takeaway payments and need to explain to the doctor about her being extra hungry.

The risk is, she may not mention the extra food to the HCP and therefore they'll be down the wrong path if they think shes put on all that weight from eating what OP provides.

It’s sad, but not surprising that there are so many on here resonating with you and your daughter’s situation.

I also battled secret eating starting from very early age of 9 when I was being bullied at school for being a little overweight. This led to me secret eating even more to “soothe” myself with pure junk food. I would lie to my mum and blame missing food/snacks on my siblings and would put wrappers in my coat pockets and put them in the bin at school. Needless to say I gained more weight and was bullied even more. I would eat even when I wasn’t hungry.

I ended up going to a non local girls secondary school and my new friends didn’t care how overweight I was. You’d think not being bullied and feeling better would mean I cut out the secret eating but it didn’t. I felt shameful and carried on and by the time I was 15 I was wearing a size 20.

I’m nearly 40 now and looking back on it I wish my parents had spoken with me and got me help. I have spoken with my mum only recently and she said she knew there was a problem but didn’t know how to speak to me without upsetting me, so didn’t.

I am still battling weight but am in a much better place and no longer secret eating. I have been in private counselling for the last three years and it has been worth every penny. I no longer use food to self soothe or deal with stress, try to use exercise and things like a new pair of pyjamas, a nice new lipstick, new bath bombs. Sounds silly but for me it works.

I take my hat off to you, sounds like you are an amazing mum and I truly hope between her supportive family and some help with h endocrinologist she makes some progress. I agree with someone else above, she may desperately and quietly want you to speak up so she can start facing her issues. Wising you all the luck

Sounds like it could be PCOS to me. I was about 140lbs at 15 years old, but quickly piled on weight from about 16 onwards. At my heaviest I was 191lbs and I’m only 5’1!

I have always struggled with my weight since I was a little girl and struggled absolutely miserably throughout my 20s. And then I was diagnosed with PCOS and it all made sense - the insatiable hunger, pot belly, huge guilt over always desperately wanting sweets and carbs. Insulin resistance is a very common symptom with PCOS and it basically makes your body think you are starving even when you’ve just eaten a meal so you get this unbearable craving for sugar or carbohydrates (I always thought I must just have no will power).

If your daughter is going through this, there absolutely are fixes. I take 2g Metformin daily and Myo-inositol supplements twice a day. It has literally changed my life. I lost 2 stone without even really trying and my weight is stable. I have 10lbs left to lose and then I’ll no longer be obese for the first time ever!! I have had to cut out all white bread, pasta, rice etc, but have replaced with brown or complex carbs. I try not to eat more than 100g of carbs per day.

**Sorry for all the detail - I just thought this might help if she is diagnosed with PCOS. I also do weight train at the gym 3x per week plus 20 mins hard cardio per session (weight training is excellent for PCOS) and walks throughout the week.

OP I work with people with eating issues and if you brought your DD to see me this is how we’d approach this.

1 We cannot assume eating disorder/eating distress until we have ruled out physiological hunger as the main driver of this eating.

2 Introduce a pattern of eating to stabilise hunger and control cravings - eating three meals and three snacks each day, with no more than 3-4hours between eating events, focusing on protein and slow energy releasing foods at every meal/snack.

3 Ask your DD to rate her hunger from 0-10 before eating, then again afterwards to rate her satiety. This is to connect her with her body to help her notice cues and sensations of fullness, also any emotional responses tied to food/eating.

4 Adhere to this for 4-6 weeks and note any unplanned eating events. Once it can be reasonably determined that any remaining events aren’t driven by physical hunger we are left with psychological, emotional, behavioural factors.

5 Approach future unplanned eating events with curiosity not judgement. What was happening in that day that led to that choice being made? Frame it as not ‘wrong’ but as aiding understanding, awareness and control.

Over eating/bingeing is always identified as the problem, as is the weight gain, but for most people it’s driven by an underlying cycle of restriction to lose weight/undo the damage from yesterday, which creates rising hunger and then a ‘binge’ on more palatable foods later. Even if the relationship with food is disordered for a person, until we can get their body to work with them it is simply working against them and makes it so much harder to bring about meaningful change in their relationship with food.

And many health professionals say how archaic BMI is. Out of interest, I did my height to waist ration and it's 0.45 so clearly not an issue.

You can be slim and still be in poor health.

I had the same issue at this age. Went from slim with a normal appetite to suddenly insatiably hungry and craving sugar and carbs all the time. I was later diagnosed with PCOS. A low-carb whole food diet treated it, but cutting sugar and unhealthy carbs out was absolute torture for the first couple of weeks. I had to be really strict with myself, but it was worth it.

You dont have to keep being so defensive. We get it, you dont think you're overweight, its fine.

HCP are not immune by the way to the group think in society either, cultural norms affect them as much as the next person. Being overweight is normalised in this country.

OP please listen to this advice!!

I struggled with secret eating at your daughter's age and looking back a big factor was that mealtimes were unpredictable, and there were often long gaps between meals. Regular meal times are so important to manage bingeing.

Do not try and restrict her food, please, it will lead to more bingeing eventually.

You said this is your second bank account. That means she must know that you can see the payments. She has lots of cash in her room so could easily have hidden the purchases.

Obviously you have to approach it really carefully and without making her feel guilty about it but taking more healthy snacks with her and having a snack rather than a takeaway would be better for her. Maybe she is sharing the food with friends, maybe she just is starving at school and actually need different lunches at school. If she is being investigated for period problems PCOS and insulin resistance is quite likely and she'll need to be limiting her carbs and possibly having more protein.

Start from the approach that maybe she needs to be taking something she can eat on the way home instead of buying food.

This is so sad, I’m wondering if she’s unhappy at school?

It sounds like your daughter has an eating disorder. As another person said, it is really important that you handle this carefully. My daughter has been battling buliima for 7 years now, it started when she was 15. Do talk to her, and see if she is willing to get some help before this binging becomes an ingrained habit, and she gets caught in the doom cycle of shame. You have to understand that binging is the flip side of the coin to anorexia - both stem from disordered thinking about food and body image. Both have severe health consequences. People often swing between the two extremes - overeating, then restricting, then overeating again, and restricting.
The challenge is where to get help. While GPs can be helpful, the NHS just doesn't have the capacity to help all those with eating disorders. There are charities like BEAT and Eat, Breath, Thrive. There are eating disorder clinics like Orri (but they are eye wateringly expensive), and many therapists. The first hurdle is to get your daughter to admit that she is sneaking this food, and find out if she is purging as well. She has to want to change for any therapy to be effective. Be curious, open and non-judgemental (which is almost impossible to do when you see someone doing this to themselves). It might be a brief problem that she grows out of, but I would take it seriously and help her understand the seriousness of eating disorders. My daughter has found structured group therapy to be beneficial.
I wrote aa few posts few posts about my own daughter's recovery journey, which is far from over. May provide food for thought.

I think this pp is on the money with her response. Freedom, access to money, socialising with a group of friends hanging out for a bit after school - all can lead to the sorts of new behaviours and expenditures that OP is discovering in her DS. Not necessarily an eating disorder (tho' it may be). But could be a result of joining a new peer group, wanting to fit in, having extra bit of freedom which comes with being a new secondary school pupil.

Sorry, your DD.

This seems like excellent advice

Fortunately she's very happy at school. She has a lovely group of friends, a level-headed, wise and kind 'bestie', a good outdoorsy social life, and is really motivated with school work. I try to remember how lucky we are that she's struggling with her weight and not with bullying or friendship problems.

No-one should jump to assuming this is an eating disorder. She is being investigated for period problems and if she has PCOS and is insulin resistant that will increase feelings of hunger. There are ways to manage that. She may also be enjoying the freedom to spend her own money. Her mother should not be assuming an eating disorder.

If she was unhappy at school and/or had a lot of friends who are stick thin and likely to have eating disorders then it becomes more of a concern.

I think only a few of us on this thread have cautioned this, the rest of the posters have taken the ED narrative and run with it

its quite common threads I see, anyone overweight is seen as having an eating disorder. If so, we are a whole nation of people suffering with EDs.

I think its quite harmful to leap to that. I really wish I had understood my ravenous appetite all those years ago, a diagnosis of PCOS but absolutely nothing else. I remember now I was initially treated, I said upthread I wasnt, with metformin but had to stop because it gave me the most awful upset stomach, so that was that, I was discharged from whoever I was under (endichronology would it have been? I cant remember) and nothing more done or said.

Some time later I remember going back to the GP to ask to go back on it as Id lost some weight on it and felt overall despite the stomach and digestion problems, it was better for me to lose the weight. I was told I couldnt have it for that reason. No acknowledgement that actually I was originally prescribed it for PCOS and still had PCOs as far as I knew. So I continued to pile on the weight as I always felt hungry (which I now know wasnt always hunger I think I had an acid problem)

Later again I had a scan for something or other and they said there was no polyps anymore on my overies and therefore didnt consider I had PCOs anymore. Not sure if that is the case or not.

TErrible service really

@likelysuspect @anyolddinosaur I am absolutely going to follow through with the endocrinologist when all DD's test results are through before leaping to any conclusions. My strong suspicion is it's hormonal, not least because as I've said she's under investigation anyway in this area. It's also a fact that she has been a big eater right from birth and through childhood - and that's obviously not ED-related.

I do think however that it's not necessarily one or the other. She's an overweight teenager, and whatever the root cause it could trigger ED-like issues. I think secret takeaways etc could be (although they're not necessarily) the beginning of hiding / shame around food which I dread because it will make her miserable and make matters worse, for sure, both physically and emotionally.

My plan is to a) carry on with the endo and see what comes up, b) not assume any form of ED but just put it down to a normal teen with freedom, and c) probably mention that I saw her transactions and to say if she's getting hungry it's important to tell the endo about it and to say what she's buying and eating - no shame, only to find out when / why she's so hungry so the doc can help.

I'm so grateful to everyone for your advice and stories. Hugs to the teenage versions of all of you who struggled in the past. And love the other mums and aunties with similar worries. I'll try to remember to update when we've seen the doctor.

*love to the other mums and aunties