Teen daughter eating in secret - AIBU to tell her I know?

[Secreteatinghelp]

I'd love some advice. DD (15) has been referred to an endocrinologist for hormonal (period related) issues. At our first appointment the endo gently expressed concern about DD's weight. She is 5'3" and *75kg, has always carried extra but has gained significantly in the last six months or so. She has stopped growing height wise (we know this as she's had an xray to investigate as part of the investigation into her hormonal situation.)

During the appointment we discussed DD's diet. We eat very healthily at home, she takes healthy lunches to school, and she exercises regularly, although mostly weights rather than cardio. We have all therefore been at a loss to understand her weight gain, which to be clear is a concern for me from a health POV only.

I discovered last night that DD has been eating extra meals before coming home and having dinner. Her banking app is on my phone (it's actually my second current account that she uses for her pocket / bday money / Saturday job money). It was showing a notification last night and so I opened it, which I don't normally do. There on the main screen is a string of payments - once or twice a week - to local takeaways. There are also lots of payments to local supermarkets and convenience shops. For example there's £15 to the local fish and chip place.

I find this whole area so hard to talk to her about. We have a very close relationship and she knows I think she's wonderful and beautiful. We only very rarely talk about her diet and then it's only from a health pov.

I feel like I have to tell DD I've seen the payments in the app and try to talk to her about it, but I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach. We're due to see the endo in a few weeks and I think we need to give her the whole picture.

I'm feeling really conflicted about whether to say anything at all, hence the AIBU. I'm scared of pushing her into being even more secretive.

MNHQ at OP's request corrected typo 175kg to 75kg

do you mean 175lb rather than kg, so just under 12 1/2 stone? Rather than 27 1/2 stone?

You need to talk about it to work out if she's eating because she's hungry or just fancies something different to the healthy meals all the time - in which case it would be better to change up her diet at home slightly, as eating the occasional less healthy meal at home would be better than her eating whole extra meals in secret. If she gets her period or has just had PE last lesson and feels really hungry, it could be understandable that the thought of going home to a lentil stew when she's craving carbs and chocolate just doesn't cut it - she goes into the supermarket planning on just getting a chocolate bar or small cone of chips then gets tempted into getting more (which is exactly what they want!)

Or is she not really hungry but it's more of a mental health issue where she wants control over something. It might be worth emailing or calling the dr separately before the appt to ask for advice - I'm sure they'll have had experience in food disorders or could refer to a colleague.

I have the same with my daughter, OP. She's been a very hungry baby since birth and she's now also around 75kgs aged 14. I find so much snack stuff in her room - that I haven't bought - that it's clear why she seems to be gaining weight despite only eating healthy meals that I can see. It's really difficult to broach the subject of weight with her as she cries and says she hates herself, and then I feel horrifically guilty. I'm looking into WLIs for her. Extreme but I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

Apart from the question about her weight was the Consultant able to offer any concrete help on her problem?

My experience is that as my weight increased, the emphasis on my medical appointments became my weight. They completely missed a medical condition.

How is 75kg overweight? I'm same height and weight and would not say I am overweight.

I think it's taken about six months for her to gain around a stone. That's 49,000 excess calories, which according to a quick AI search is about 40 portions of fish and chips - so it does add up, especially when you factor in any sweets / drinks / chocolate / biscuits she's buying. She's going to the supermarket about once a week too.

I agree with your approach, thank you.

I would talk to her about it - is it because she’s hungry, or because she’s bored etc? I used to eat secretly as a child & teenager, I wasn’t overweight at the time but bigger than my parents liked, and so they would restrict my food intake and/or only give me fruit, veg etc. I did a lot of sports and I was absolutely starving all the time so used to buy chocolate, crisps etc and hide them away. It’s led to a lifelong issue with food for me.

Please be kind and get to the root cause rather than making her feel ashamed.

At 30st I was walking my dog briskly twice a day, had an active full-time job and was running around after my extended family too.

Whilst BMI isn't 100% accurate it gives a very good guideline.

At 5'3" and 75kg the BMI is 29.3, which is at the very top of overweight, bordering on obese which starts at 30.

BMI is utter BS. I am fitter, more active than many slimmer people who can barely run 100 meters. It's utterly ridiculous.

Indeed. We normalise obesity so much here. 75kg for someone that’s 5’3 is definitely overweight! I’m chubby at that height and I weigh 60kgs and carry a lot of muscle.

Love the poster who says she secretly eats…. Despite living alone!

There’s millions threads on here about secret binge eaters and there’s many conflicting opinions. I hide my treat eating from my partner for no real reason. He wouldn’t care and I’m not overweight. It’s just not necessary to let everyone you know know everything you eat.

that said there is a health issue here clearly mentioned upthread with insulin reaistance. Don’t make a big deal just say truthfully now ‘I got an alert in the banking app and saw you transactions. It looks like we’re not feeding you what you need at home shall we do some meal planning together to make sure you get the calories and treats your body wants’. And then also ‘let’s discuss this with the doctor as your body must be telling you you’re hungry’.

there’s no shame in it at all. You’re allowed to treat yourself. But you’re also allowed to not tell everyone you’ve treated yourself self.

Agree sadly. I am 5'10 and weigh 71-72kg and am very much average build, not slim. Even BMI puts me on the upper end of normal.

This is so familiar. My daughter has also been hungry from the start, gained weight really rapidly and went right off the weight charts even on exclusively breast milk. As a toddler she would eat all day if we'd let her. She was starting to slim down from 7-12 although still bigger than her friends. But now she's really piling it on again. I wish I had anything helpful to say but I don't - other than sending solidarity.

Ok that's great. I'm really glad to hear that. I did know a woman of that size and she worked with me but I don't know if she managed much exercise other than walking a bit. But I remember she struggled a lot with her breathing and health.

Sorry but I just thought it might be a typo? Were you that size at 15?

There are always variations so of course someone like yourself can be fitter and healthier than someone who weighs much less.

Another standard assessment tool is waist to height ratio, which should be 0.49 or below.

Anyway the OP is looking at her daughter and they are seeing an endocrinologist so it certainly appears she is overweight.

with this height and weight, your BMI is 29.3, which means very overweight. BMI of 30 is obese,

What endocrine disorders are they testing for? Have they checked her weight around her cycle? Does she actually look overweight or are you only focussing on her weight?

I have autoimmune thyroiditis, PCOS and endo and could gain 10-15kg of water weight before my period & after it’d all disappear. I never looked overweight - was a size 14 16 but due to lower belly bloating. I was a 10/12 everywhere else.

Lol, my eyes were out on stalks!

I think that she is likely starving (or at least feels she is), so she is buying food.

I think people are very quick to jump to 'eating disorder' and 'secret eating'.

If she, like me, misunderstands food cues, she will think she is hungry and the only tactic is to eat somethings. I realise now way way too late that my churning and growling tummy wasnt hunger it was acid of some kids, dont ask me what, Ive worked this out for myself. So I would eat to settle it down. But Im also a volume eater

So she's just eating on her way home. I also learned the hard way that my eating cues are being tired and cold, I ate most when out and about rather than at home, for this reason.

I hate to be wanging on about protein but it is interesting how a simple change has changed how my body feels. Some of us just are not cut out for carbs, they make me hungry, except for certain ones like pulses/legumes/lentils and pinhead oatmeal for some reason which ont have the same effect

I was diagnosed with PCOS, given no treatment, then at some point was todl I dont have PCOS anymore, who knows

Its very hormone based in my view.

It may have just become a habit, she feels hungry so just gets something to eat on the way home, or with friends, hanging about chatting outside the local takeaway and having something to eat was a bit of a fad at one point for teenagers (maybe still is for some, I'm a bit out of touch). Could you mention it more as spending a lot on those sort of things and work around to empty extra calories as a side issue.

My son was similar BMI. He had a wake up call after his healthcare appointment and actively realised he needed to change.

People in these discussions completely have no idea how easy it is to gain a stone just by a few hundred calories more a day than your calorie requirements, thats a couple of biscuits and/or a latte or two

Thats why I caution around the eating disorder narrative. We have a snacky culture and also if she thinks she is hungry she is going to eat, thats normal for humans, we eat when we're hungry

Thats why my view would be you do talk to her about it, the practicalities of 'am I cooking enough food, shall we do something different, you dont want to spend your hard earned money at the chippie when you can have food for free' etc etc, theres more nuance to that of course but you get my drift

In addition, is this a group thing, do a gaggle of the kids go down to the chippie and have tea, is it a social thing?

Its not an assessment tool for fitness. Are you not aware of this?

Yes, this. The first post gets it. You want to do the right thing and they've got the expertise to help support you to approach this in the best way. It's clear from your post that you love your daughter and want to help her and that you are intelligent enough to understand that this is an eating disorder so needs to be handled properly.

BMI is sensible for the average person. Not athleletes. It's a good indicator

I ate in secret in my teens. I would buy sweets, biscuits and crisps, smuggle them up to my room in my school bag, and eat them there. I'm pretty sure I became physically addicted quite quickly, as well as developing unhealthy psychological habits. I now think my parents must have known but not been able to find a way to talk to me about it. I was deeply ashamed, both of eating in secret and of my weight gain: I'm about the same height as your daughter and weighed about the same at her age. Looking back, I wish my parents had raised it, and helped me beat the growing addiction before it developed into a lifelong physical and psychological compulsion. It would have been deeply embarrassing to have my secret vice exposed to the light of day, but if it had been done, lovingly but firmly, it might have enabled me to find other, healthier, ways to deal with some of the difficulties of adolescence. It would certainly have meant I didn't spend my teenage years fearing discovery, and putting on weight that has never really left me (lifelong yo-yo dieter).

I don't think there's an easy way. Choose a quiet time when your DD is relaxed and not wanting to go/be somewhere else. Gently tell her you know she's been eating in secret. Reassure her that you love her whatever, and that she's not the only person in the world who eats compulsively - that many teenage girls become food-addicted, and there are ways to get back in control before the problem gets too bad. Tell her you want to help: have a few suggestions up your sleeve (e.g. take one day at a time, figure out a non-food reward for each day without secret eating, keep a journal) but ask her what you can do that would help her. Reassure her that compulsive eating, and gaining weight, don't make her a bad person, but they're forms of self-harm that are best tackled and you're in her corner so that she doesn't have to tackle them alone.