I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

[Bigorangeballoons]

This could be a little complex so I’ll give some background first.
I have 4 DC, 2 with my ex husband. My 2 eldest with my ex are 22 and 19. We divorced when they were 6 and 9. My Ex is French and we lived in London, both of our children attended a French language school. For 2 years we both lived local to the school but the area was very expensive. DS decided at 11 he wanted to go to a “normal school”. Stupidly my ex and I agreed DD would live with him as the primary parent and I would move further out for DS to go to secondary school. I then had 2 more children. DD continued living with her dad and going to French school. Upon reflection I should never have left DD with her dad, at first I had her every weekend then by the time she was 11/12 every other weekend and she spent most of it at her hobbies. Ex spoiled her rotten, she was his little princess. He never really spoiled DS the same and they have a very strained relationship as a result while DS and I are very close. Ex bought DD the newest iPhone at 11, upgraded it often, she had a MacBook at 12, let her spend stupid amounts of money on clothes, took her to loads of gigs, took her on trips alone (snowboarding mostly as DS never enjoyed snow sports), paid for all her hobbies. Apparently she was golden for her dad, never misbehaved etc. But with me she was a nightmare, she’d get so stroppy, ignored curfews, constantly shouted at my now husband that he isn’t her dad and he shouldn’t even talk to her as a result. Punishment rarely worked as by Sunday night she was back at her dads and being spoiled again.
When she was 16, my ex told me he was moving back to France and wanted to take DD with him. I didn’t want this to happen but eventually I gave in and let her move with him, mainly as I felt if I said no she would be horrific to live with and view me as the reason and it would break our already tense relationship entirely.

She is a clever girl, did really well in school, settled down with her behaviour a lot after moving when she would come back to visit. She started university in France in the autumn but dropped out. Her dad now pays for a flat which she shares with her 22 year old boyfriend. She doesn’t work, doesn’t study, she is in a band, who write their own music and do play some very small gigs but it’s not making money. She messages me and I have tried to visit her alone without my husband or other children but the last 2 times I’ve done this once in the summer I got all the way there and only met up with her for a meal one night, she was busy or ‘ill’ the other 2 days. Then just before Christmas she again met up with me to trade presents but only for dinner one night, apparently again too busy to see me on the other days.

My older son went to see her and their dad over the weekend and today when he got home he told me her life is “a mess”. Apparently she is smoking loads, drinking loads, spends her days just messing about and has no plans to go back to uni. Her dad is paying her rent, he gives her an allowance to buy whatever she wants etc. Apparently her dad fully supports her and her “boyfriend and band mates” and they are all just following the creative process!

I have no idea what to do, her dad won’t talk to me and I have a feeling anything I said to DD would be ignored. I feel like I messed up by ever letting her live with her dad full time as he is clearly an incompetent parent.

AIBU to feel I have failed her? What do I do? Is there even anything I can do?

What has DS ended up doing after his very important sporty education?

Exactly. Can we stop pretending that the only option here was to completely split two siblings up?

He did a degree in sports science and now a masters in sports medicine.

@Bigorangeballoons - you keep explaining the school decision but you allowed it to have massive consequences for your relationship with your DD.

You said upthread that you couldn’t see her on week day evenings because you had other commitments including in particular other children. You must have known what message that was sending to her.

Even if it wasn’t obvious then, it’s surely obvious now. You allowed a situation to arise and be perpetuated where you repeatedly communicated to her by your actions that your other DCs were much more important to you than she was. Even if that’s not how you felt, that’s the message you sent. It’s going to take a lot of honest reflection and humility, i think, to be able to put your relationship on to a better footing. But what you’re actually doing is bitching about your own daughter with her brother. Honestly, that is so disrespectful and toxic and it’s bad for her brother to be encouraged to do that.

Look, there are ways in which i have massively fucked up as a parent. There is much i would do differently if i could do it again. I really think you would do better to start seeing things from your DD’s side instead of being so entrenched in your own position.

Marylebone as well. But those are all up to 18; there are others that are primary or go up to 15 like the one in Kentish Town and DD was only 8 at the time.

The point is to accommodate both DS and DD schooling and the need for a cheaper area you could have, for example, moved to Wembley with both of them.

Right.

Interesting. What sort of jobs are available in that field?

One of the reasons I am not good at delegating, op, is because it annoys me when a job is not done the way I want it.

Whatever the complications around French schools/English schools/divorce arrangements were, by letting the relationship with DD drift apart from you, you effectively delegated her upbringing to your ex.

You now aren't really in a position to complain, but you can try to build up the relationship to what it might have been had you not let it drift, and perhaps from there you can start to involve your own ideas in mutual discussions about where she is at and her next steps. But that will be a process.

OP I’m sorry to say but both of you seem to have prioritised everything else except for building relationships with the children who didn’t live with you. Language preferences, music lessons, after school activities, schools, sport…everything came before a relationship with the other parent and the other sibling. It’s no wonder she ignores you now. And I’m sure your son will feel the same way about his father butting in his life and giving him his opinions, Not sure what you can do at this stage to be honest, other than let her live the life she has chosen for herself. She’s an adult now.

Look OP getting it in the neck. I’ve no doubt you care about your DD but if you want to rebuild your relationship with her you need to start being more honest with yourself and take responsibility for your choices. Stop blaming your ex and criticising her choices.

I would start with an apology and ask if there’s anything she wants to say to you about how family life was for her. Ask where she is in her life and what she’s doing and ask if she’s interested in building a relationship with you going forward. And then just leave the ball in her court.

she's 22 she will figure it out or she won't.

either way she has had s decent education even without uni. her dad will eventually get tired of keeping her and she will have to step up or she won't and will be able to afford not to work.

its not what you wanted for her but she is her own person.

also with her having decent music skills she will be fine for work/tutoring. nothing wrong with being in a band and making a go of it at 22. thats the whole point of being 22.

You're not a bad parent. Kids need guidelines and your ex was too weak to give them, which is why she is as she is today. Unfortunately, you have to let her get in with her life. As others have said. She needs to grow up and only she can do that. I do empathise. Being a mum is a tough call x

She's only 19. It's the son that is 22.

You're not a bad parent. Kids need guidelines and your ex was too weak to give them, which is why she is as she is today
And an absent mother had no impact whatsoever....

I've had time to think. A few years having a side quest doing a band will be fun. Yes the dad is funding her and spoiling her, but what person wouldn't just mess about and just have fun and do what they want if they are being funded by their parents. Who knows what her future holds?

No - OP just moved to the other side of London with her DS, had more children and basically didn't bother with her daughter. Hardly parent of the year

The daughters hardly main lining crack and mugging people. She’s only 19 and could essentially be taking a year out to concentrate on her music. Just because she’s not doing stem at Oxbridge doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause

All the language, sports, travel, logistics etc are irrelevant. You're talking about two children whose parents split up, who were split up from each other, who acquired at least two half-siblings, one who then moved to a different country from her mother and brother....and you expect her NOT to be fucked up? How does that expectation come about, when she had such a fucked up upbringing? The priority was stability and a loving home, not French school and drum lessons or iphones and macbooks. What were you both thinking?

I mean, yeah, she's dropped out and she's smoking a lot of pot and generally being a creative French young adult who's been let down by her parents. There will be plenty of kindred spirits around her, and she's far from the first or last to go down that path. Seems a bit late now to be crying over her future. You set her down the path with the choices you made for her. I don't know what you can do about it now other than beg forgiveness, forge a stronger relationship and encourage her to be good to herself.

Quite honestly I don’t see a 22 year old with a BSc in Sports Science and now doing a masters in “sports medicine” in the rather easy UK He system as any further developed or launched than a 19 year old who’s dropped out of her first year of the rather more challenging French HE system. BOth have a long way to go and neither scenario is cause for anything other than loving support.

Depends if it's from Loughborough. Good for sports careers

@Bigorangeballoons you initial error in judgment was to split the siblings at that young age. Sibling separation has a deeply negative impact on children.

Why are people comparing siblings? They are two different people who here likes being compared to their sibling. I think that's where all the issues began, was it a case of divide and conquer op

I can’t help feeling if this situation had been posed by a mother on a council estate the replies would be way harsher. There’s plenty of absent fathers on MN posts that quite rightly get a lot of stick for thinking a couple of weekends a month is parenting.

Your affluent lifestyle doesn’t excuse the fact that you have allowed your relationship with your DD to wither. Because of that, it’s hard for you to interfere at this stage of her life.
As others have said, if you acknowledge this and stop deflecting, you’ve a chance to build a better relationship with your DD.

She’s having a few years living a bohemian lifestyle in Paris, with the added safety net of a wealthy parent - sounds wonderful!