Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Jesus Christ he’s living the life of Riley - and totally sponging off you. Please tell him to fuck off, you’re worth far more than this

I think he needs a come to Jesus moment. Time you send him back to live with his mum. I’m pretty sure you could rent out his gaming room to a paying lodger and be treated with more respect. Let him know this and that you will not tolerate that kind of tantrum ever again.

Oh op. I hope you hear all the wise advice on here. It would be hard to think of moving out so soon after moving in, but everyone's right, he is showing you who he is, and you should listen.
And don't cry. Get angry. How dare he??!

Welcome to the reality of some men! Worse when married

Please please please please tell me your deposit is ringfenced!! It’s a shitty relationship op I’m sorry, you need to get out. Hes a leech not a partner. He wants you to do all the work and it sounds like most of the funding and if he’s not actually abusive with his chucking things around and rage at being asked to do something for his house he will be soon. I really wish you’d realised this before buying with him but please remember nothing can change the decisions of the past and they are not worth staying with him. And if you want children, find a different partner asap. One who will care for you and support you and parent the children he has with you. This one will yell at you and throw the neatly folded baby things around the room and call you little miss perfect and yell ‘other women manage why are you so fucking hopeless’ when you ask him to hold the baby for 30 minutes because you haven’t had more than 30 minutes sleep in days and baby threw up 30 times overnight. Then he’ll realise you hadn’t cooked him dinner and start yelling again. LEAVE HIM

What a prince.

Meanwhile my husband came home from a long shift to unclog a toilet I couldn't, didn't moan or judge, gave me a cuddle and made me laugh about it. Get a man that you deserves and deserves you. Life is too short for crap relationships.

He sounds like a complete wanker to be honest.
Do you ever say anything back when he gets like that?
Don't let him make you feel like shit, he sounds really young and frankly embarrassing storming around like that. It's giving me the ick thinking of it. You're not his Mum or a maid, but he's treating you exactly like that.
Tell him he needs to pull his weight and see what his response is. I feel like I can see you in twenty years time being treated worse than this and chained to housework and admin just to keep the peace.
Is he on the mortgage with you?

From someone 15 years down the line from this: RUN. It won’t get better.

The laziness is bad enough. But the scorn and the pattern of behaviour are what's really concerning.

Right now he's testing you to see how far he can go. We know how this narrative ends. See a solicitor and take steps to get rid of him. Don't become a statistic.

What an arsehole.

end it now before it’s too late or this will be the rest of your life

And me. Same story, put up the deposit. Moved in end of May over the bank holiday weekend. I had an operation early June. He took me to hospital and screamed at me because I couldn't remember the directions to hospital. When I came home I was signed off work for two weeks and he screamed at me for not moving furniture with him when I'd been told not to lift or carry.

This was the start. It was another 10 years before I left, after financial abuse, sulking about sex, being raped, being assaulted and stonewalling. He'd convinced me it was the way I said things or asked, that I was selfish and immature.

He'd come home from work at 3.30 and flop on the sofa in his shirt underpants and socks having taken his trousers off and chucked on the bed. He'd fall asleep and snore and then get angry when I didn't want sex. (Would you after looking at that all night?)

If I turned the TV over while he was asleep he'd suddenly wake up and snarl that he was "watching that, turn it back over".

He was a teacher and refused to do anything domestic in the school holidays as "I'm on holiday". I was shopping like a headless chicken on Christmas Eve in my lunch break because "I'm not doing it it's my holidays".

I wasted my 20s on this twat, don't do the same. Give him his 30% back on top of his packed suitcase.

Also how did you meet this guy if you lived somewhere you had to move to his hometown? What was the courtship like @Modernop ? Have you had to change jobs or do you WFH all the time? He's going to isolate you too. I had that. I lived in my hometown but he hated all my friends who were all a "bad influence" "immature" or "slappers".

get angry not sad, stop letting him walk over you. But moreover it doesn’t sound like he’s bringing much to this relationship. One of my friends left a month after buying house together. Annoying and costly yes, but safer and happier. Ciukd yoy buy him out and get a lodger?

@RawBloomers said "... a dire relationship that can only make you miserable and could well trap you and narrow your one and only life into a shell of its potential."

This is what happened to me. I wasn't "allowed" to take a promotion because it meant travel and some overnight stays because he was "afraid of other men".

I was a wreck when I ended it and went into another relationship with someone who wasn't physically violent but full of insults and put downs when the honeymoon period wore off. I ended up with zero confidence at work and always felt like an imposter, so never did as well as I probably could have.

I'd move straight out. He's not ready to live with someone and share responsibilities.

@Modernop sincerely- get legal advice & cut your losses. I know the thought of this is huge but future you will be grateful you got out of this toxic situation sooner rather than later.

You made a huge, HUGE mistake getting involved with him let alone moving in with him. He is an absolute pig!! He speaks to you like shit. Do whatever you can to get out of the relationship. Get him out of the house, sell it, whatever you need to do. This is only 2 weeks in. Imagine how the rest of your relationship is going to be. And you say you have regular arguments where he puts you down and calling you little miss righteous. Wow. Honey that is NOT how relationships are supposed to be. Don't you think you deserve better? Or has he worn down your self respect so much? He is a vile nasty pig. Get out of this NOW!

Exactly this. Now you have your house he sees you as trapped and can be an abusive dickhead to you to get his way. It will sadly only get worse. I hope your 70% of the deposit was ring-fenced? Please just get out of this relationship and save yourself a lifetime of walking on eggshells with this selfish abusive prick.

Hard to say (based on OP only, not sure if updates). If this was written about everyday living, I’d say he is a dick and to get rid. However, it’s the moving aspect that I think is the confounder if no issues leading up to this.

I’ve been happily married for decades, however the times where differences become most obvious and test us have always been related to moving house. We have completely different styles and priorities. I’m wondering if this is a thing here?

The way I move, I make sure everything utterly immediately essential are in identified boxes. I aim to unpack these within 2 days of moving. That would be roughly 10% of our boxes/stuff. That leaves 90% of boxes and general furniture I’m happy to do gradually over 8-12 weeks, in blocks over weekends. DH however, likes to get everything unpacked and arranged asap. So, I’ll work, finish and then happily sit and watch Netflix surrounded by boxes, knowing I’ll get stuck in on weekend and it’s a ‘long term project’. He gets the irrits watching me, because he is unpacking boxes and feeling like he is doing it all by himself. His choice though. If he has a dig at me, I won’t respond well.

Pretty much the same for everyday living. His style is to finish work, do chores, then relax, then bed. My style is finish work, then just do utterly immediately necessary chores (bare minimum like cleaning a spill, but would include cooking dinner but not really cleaning up afterward), then relax, then do chores, then bed. We have just learnt to adjust to each other. He does stuff while I’m relaxing watching Netflix, on Mumsnet, playing game on phone etc, then later while he is relaxing doing whatever, I’ll be stuck into stuff, and cleaning up kitchen dinner mess etc. It’s just about accepting people do stuff differently. Once we accepted that we have had decades of happy marriage.

What wouldn’t have worked would have been DH having a dig at me if I was sitting watching tv, while he is clearing up dinner mess implying I’m lazy and don’t do it. We did spend many years when kids were born not really coinciding at home (we worked different days/shifts to avoid childcare), where each having our different routine didn’t matter as the other was not at home, however we did know about this living together before kids were born and we have had years after kids got older and we stopped the opposing shifts, so coincide at home. It works if people are accepting of different ‘working styles’ for the household.

Calmly ask him what his plans are going forward given that he clearly doesn’t value you, doesn’t respect you and doesn’t want to grow up and act like a responsible mature partner in an equal relationship.

Does he want to go back to live with his mum or
Does he want to buy you out of the house and then try to find a new door-mat partner to live with or
Does he want to wake up to losing you and make changes…do the work on himself for you to stay.

But before you give him those options OP, think hard about your own expectations of this relationship, and whether they are realistic now you know exactly who and what he is and how much contempt he holds for you.
It seems you have drifted into this relationship, without understanding what you are really looking for in a life partner.
So be very clear and determined in your own mind about what sort of life you really do want and deserve and what sort of miserable life you won’t accept for a moment longer.

Please don’t settle for a man who takes your love for granted and then belittles you with name calling, sulking, ignorance, derision and superiority.
That’s not love in any shape or form.
You don’t need him OP.
And he certainly isn’t the type to inflict on any future child.
You deserve much, much better.
Give yourself a better chance at happiness than this. Take care!

Praying you are tenants in common but even if not.....You'd be fucking crazy to do ANYTHING orher than break up and buy him out.
Cut your loss now.

Certainly do not marry and certainly do not have children with him.

Big mistake. Huge.

There are (for me) several red flags in what you have written.
Specially
A. The hours he works vs his contributions
B. The "righteous" language he uses (it upsets you and he does it to upset you not to express himself)
C. The language he uses underline his "beliefs" and views of you. He feels inadequate (probably correctly) thus resents and, if not now in the future, will hate you.
D. Men who hate women set out to destroy them.
E. If i had children id be deeply concerned about the implications. You'd need to stay ft and when it goes tits up and you finally leave HE could well try and claim to be primary parent even though in reality you work payfor childcare and do it 95% of it while he is in his shitty office gaming.
Where is your office BTW??? (Yeah I thought so...)

I would be looking to see if I could borrow money from family to buy him out if not liquidate any other savings.

The good news is it's a house, So once youve done that i'd look at finding a lodger to help with bills and mortgage. This will enable you to pay for renovations etc too.

It's hard to tell without knowing the full conversation, body language, not knowing him etc... but in both examples you've given on this thread you're using sarcasm to get your message across.

No, you shouldn't have to tell him to prioritise cleaning the mess over installing his lamps. But you did not "ask for help", you criticised his priorities. And you didn't "say we need to save for the deposit", you criticised his spending.

I can totally understand where the Mrs righteous comment comes from, with the condescending undertone "come one little boy, you should know better". You can just ask for help tidying up and plan savings together without trying to control everything he does.

Maybe you should go date the manchild she had the misfotune to attach herself to then....
You sound compatible....

This.
It is very easy on here for people to say LTB but in this case it is absolute right thing to do. I speak from experience, please do.