Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

I could not agree more!! Once you have kids you are bound to this man forever.
He does not respect you and it is not going to get better.

Of course you look down on him, he’s a fucking waste of space.

What possessed you to get involved with him, let alone buy a house together? Start therapy to work on your self esteem and raise your bar out of the gutter.

Mine periodically says I "used the wrong tone" with him, or that something's "insulting" when it clearly isn't (think double checking meat is cooked all the way through when I was pregnant). It doesn't make me tear up, it makes me want to set the house on fire with him still inside 🙃 The difference is, it wouldn't make me doubt myself or make me put up with it. In your shoes, I'd probably rage "I don't care if I'm Little Miss Perfect! She sounds great - I'll be her!! You still have to get off your lazy arse and tidy your shit away!!" Then later when it was calm, we'd talk about it like real people and he'll be less arsey for a few months, until the next time. In the world outside of MN, I think this is quite common in relationships, especially during times of stress like moving house.

That said, if it becomes a frequent issue, or if you're scared to strop back, or he's unable to talk to you about it properly after the event and apologise, there might not be much hope going forward. That is, if in the cold light of day, he genuinely believes you should be doing all the chores and moving in stuff whilst he games, and have his tea on the table and smile about it. Hopefully when he cools off he'll recognise what a twat he's been.

These early months / years are about getting to know each other, before making the commitment of having a child together or getting married or whatever people plan on doing. You will get to see all sides of each other, including the bad bits, and see if you can / still want to, navigate it as a couple.

Why did you put in a higher deposit
Why wasn't it 50/50

How did he behave at his Mother's - did she do all the laundry / cleaning / shopping and cooking ?

Can you afford to buy him out
Can you afford the mortgage on your own
Would you be able to get a lodger
or could you find a friend to share the mortgage with you

He crossed a line by swearing at you. I know you have put so much effort into getting the house nice but if this is what he is like after only two weeks, he can get in the bin.🚮

Little tantruming shit Is right. That should be OP’s version of Little Miss righteous to throw back at him.

Seriously though, this is bad, he’s rotten at the core. This won’t get better.

He works four hours a day, you work 10.

You put 70% of the deposit down for the house.

And he's a fucking arsehole. Just get rid of this little piece of nothing in your life.

The bad news is that you are in an abusive relationship. That's a really difficult thing to acknowledge. The good news though is that you don't have any children with this man. My advice to you is to break up with him and ask him to go to his Mum's house. Insist that he goes. If he refuses, go and stay with any relatives/friends you can (including his Mum if absolutely necessary) and sell the house to get your money back or buy him out.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a man who can't calmly discuss finances and housework, or who uses anger and the silent treatment to shut you up. There is nothing you can do to fix his behaviour, only he can decide to change but if he doesn't want to you must leave or you are facing a lifetime of abuse.

What you said to him was perfectly reasonable, but even if it wasn't his response was disproportionate, aggressive, uncaring, unhelpful and upset you. He could of verbalised what he was thinking. He doesn't care that you're upset. You deserve better. I look back at my ex and think what was I thinking. I'm sorry you're in this horrible position. That's sad it's happened so fast. He sounds very immature and selfish.

Sitting in the bathroom crying because of a manchild who wants you to take over from his mummy and wipe his arse for him is an absolute deal breaker op. Why have you bought a house with a nasty broke bully who doesn’t have a proper job? Cut your losses before this gets waaaaay worse. He saw you coming my love. Wipe those tears, grow a pair and get him out your precious life before he properly ruins it.

Everything she says is true @Modernop I couldn't say it as well, but I completely agree.

He certainly knows which buttons to push. If you did not ring fence your deposit make sure you have all the proof that you paid it.
You really cannot carry on like this, he is a loser and he will grind you down.

I agree with this from @Bristolandlazy .
I look back at my ex and think what was I thinking
I have done the same and I think that when you're in a difficult situation like this you often cant see the wood for the trees. You feel stressed, overwhelmed, cant tell up from down. I guess it's trauma bonding, aka, you're under a bit of a spell.

Actually op it gets worse than that. You have a baby with him, it two, one or more might be additional needs, and you might be post partum, post c section, nursing, recovering....and where is he? Gaming in his office and yelling at you.

Then because you are hyper focused on the DC doing double duty while he's playing call of duty, he says he's not getting enough sex which is the drip feed that comes before you discover his infidelity

You start a long and drawn out split, where he gets half of more because shit happens to good women, he pursues custody despite never having given a damn prior to this because he wants to hurt you and to avoid paying CMS, the lofty amount that he cares so much about but won't make a dent in your life post split,

You will be ten years hence, and forever linked to a butthole excuse of a manchild and still trying to spin all the plates (because he'll never remember who has PE on a Tuesday or whose best friend has a nut allergy and is coming for a playdate). And he'll STILL be calling you names and making you cry.

Ask me how I know.

Tldr. RUN.

…also, when my DH was alive, he had to retire early due to ill health. I worked nights permanently. While I was asleep in the day he would do the cleaning and make me food. He would also cook my food for the night shift as well. On weekends I had breakfast in bed.
if I went into town shopping on my days off he would make sure I had a meal to come home to and often he would have done enough for whatever friend I’d gone with. The only thing I had to do was the washing and ironing. He left the dusting to me too only because he couldn’t see it.
it was only when I gave up work to have my DD that things evened up a little.
That’s the kind of man you need op, not one who throws a toddler tantrum when you dare to ask in the wrong tone of voice if he can give you a hand. A real man wouldn’t need to be asked. He’d care enough about you to realise that the house is the both of yours and therefore requires two people to keep it tidy.
my man was a diamond and I wish you the same experience one day, but you’re not going to with this current selfish pig.

Listen to this women. Don’t believe for a moment it will get better, cut your losses now and move onto a lot fe your not crying in the bathroom, that’s not how good relationships function.

He sounds like an abusive lazy twat.

He's also showing you who he is.

You shouldn’t have to ask him.

Why are you feeding him when he does absolutely nothing around the house?

It will only get worse from here. He’s lazy and expects you to do everything.

OP - 100% YANBU.
I lived this life with a man-child who even wanted to marry and have children, apparently. It was a miserable time in the final years, in which I lost my entire identity, was isolated from family and scolded when I made any comment against his 'perfect' self (read abusive, ultimately... and his in laws supported it)

Mine ended after 5 years, which involved a total 4 phonecalls and callouts to the police for DV, him finally being arrested with near prosecution, and a huge amount of trauma for me to carry.

If he is genuinely amenable to change, great - but otherwise, gut feeling is save yourself now. Sounds so familiar. I know it will feel devastating and confusing thinking about these doubts in the relationship, though.

It's fine to enjoy things like cooking and making the house nice for your partner, but not when it's demanded of you and you're punished like a bad servant. Acts of service should feel like a mutual and forgiving form of love.

Sorry and sending hugs and love 💖

He’s punishing you so you don’t expect him to help you. He will always act like this. He’s selfish and doesn’t want to be in a committed equal relationship. He wants you to act like his mum and do all the mundane tasks including providing him with food. He wants you to use your money while he spends all his. He wants sex.

It won’t get better op. You should think about living a better life without him.

Could you afford to pay the mortgage? Are both your names on the deeds?

You need to separate and quick

Exactly this.

Sorry to escalate it, it might not be accurate or identical in your case at all - but I know from experience that these acts of quiet violence with ex did eventually move into expectations, demands of sex, shaming for not providing it and then full blown SA over time. By time I had been fully 'trained' and emotionally broken.

Please put yourself first OP and trust your gut
I can't stand to think of anyone else going through that

Oh OP 😔 this is not how safe and respectful relationships feel. He is showing his true colours here and they are ugly and toxic.

What does he bring that makes that childish behavior worth it?

Nice guy. Not. Leave him. 2 weeks in and he's treating you like this. No way.