Page 10 | Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

Modernop · 2026-03-09T21:34:30+00:00

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it. I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner. Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum. When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?” He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous” I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me” I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable? I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ” Aibu?

Malasana · 10/03/2026 05:08

Two weeks in and he’s set the tone for your life together.
If this isn’t how you want to live your life you need to end it now because he’s telling you how it will be.
He’s behaved badly but at least now you know and can make a decision.

Mapletree1985 · 10/03/2026 05:11

He is teaching you to know your place and never ask for anything. He will always do as you ask, so you can't fault him there, but he will do it in a way that makes you feel so bad, you'll soon stop asking.

If you don't want to dump him and split the house, if I were you, I'd just stop doing all the stuff you do. He doesn't care about it and doesn't appreciate it. Do exactly as much as he does and no more.

However, I'm afraid once men start using this "technique" of "managing their woman", they rarely change. They usually get worse. I would seriously consider cutting your losses now.

KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 05:16

"You can just ask for help tidying up" Really @Bearbookagainandagain? It's primarily her job to tidy up is it?

blueshoes · 10/03/2026 05:17

HoppingPavlova · 10/03/2026 04:43

Hard to say (based on OP only, not sure if updates). If this was written about everyday living, I’d say he is a dick and to get rid. However, it’s the moving aspect that I think is the confounder if no issues leading up to this.

I’ve been happily married for decades, however the times where differences become most obvious and test us have always been related to moving house. We have completely different styles and priorities. I’m wondering if this is a thing here?

The way I move, I make sure everything utterly immediately essential are in identified boxes. I aim to unpack these within 2 days of moving. That would be roughly 10% of our boxes/stuff. That leaves 90% of boxes and general furniture I’m happy to do gradually over 8-12 weeks, in blocks over weekends. DH however, likes to get everything unpacked and arranged asap. So, I’ll work, finish and then happily sit and watch Netflix surrounded by boxes, knowing I’ll get stuck in on weekend and it’s a ‘long term project’. He gets the irrits watching me, because he is unpacking boxes and feeling like he is doing it all by himself. His choice though. If he has a dig at me, I won’t respond well.

Pretty much the same for everyday living. His style is to finish work, do chores, then relax, then bed. My style is finish work, then just do utterly immediately necessary chores (bare minimum like cleaning a spill, but would include cooking dinner but not really cleaning up afterward), then relax, then do chores, then bed. We have just learnt to adjust to each other. He does stuff while I’m relaxing watching Netflix, on Mumsnet, playing game on phone etc, then later while he is relaxing doing whatever, I’ll be stuck into stuff, and cleaning up kitchen dinner mess etc. It’s just about accepting people do stuff differently. Once we accepted that we have had decades of happy marriage.

What wouldn’t have worked would have been DH having a dig at me if I was sitting watching tv, while he is clearing up dinner mess implying I’m lazy and don’t do it. We did spend many years when kids were born not really coinciding at home (we worked different days/shifts to avoid childcare), where each having our different routine didn’t matter as the other was not at home, however we did know about this living together before kids were born and we have had years after kids got older and we stopped the opposing shifts, so coincide at home. It works if people are accepting of different ‘working styles’ for the household.

@HoppingPavlova I wonder whether you have even read the OP.

This is not a different 'working style'. He is not 'working' at all. He games, puts up lights in his gaming 'office' and visits his mother. He does not 'wash, do dishes, nothing' until OP asks him and then he flies into a rage and then throws things, slam doors and calls her 'little miss righteous'.

Is that what your DH with a different working style does? If so, would you condone it?

Bearbookagainandagain · 10/03/2026 05:23

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 10/03/2026 05:06

Maybe you should go date the manchild she had the misfotune to attach herself to then....
You sound compatible....

Show quote history

Actually I'm going to stick to my respectful grown up relationship, where we communicate with each other, thanks.

Like OP, you also should consider how your tone impact the message you're trying to carry across.

Sicario · 10/03/2026 05:24

We all make mistakes. It's part of life. Anyone who says they've never made a mistake is a liar.

What's happened here is that you have made a mistake in purchasing a house with this man. He has shown you very clearly who he is and what he thinks of you. Your role has been defined.

Stop doing anything for him immediately. Put the property back on the market. Cut your losses.

The one GOOD thing about making mistakes is that we learn from them. Don't ever let any man speak to or treat you like that again.

leaflikebrew · 10/03/2026 05:25

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/03/2026 22:19

In a normal healthy relationship,

You wouldn't have to ask him to do his share, he'd just do it because that's the fair thing to do (and he might even do a bit more than you because he knows he had much more free time than you today

If you sounded a bit snappy, he would say 'there's no need to snap / why are you speaking to me like that / what's up' rather than decide to use it as an excuse to act like a complete bellend

He would reflect on what he'd done to make you annoyed, not blame you for getting annoyed

There would be no aggressive behaviour (throwing things and slamming doors) or passive aggressive behaviour. Both of these are really serious signs of abusive behaviour that are likely to escalate

I know you've only just bought but please don't get sucked into the 'sunken costs' mindset where you invest more and more into a bad relationship purely because of what you've already invested. Unless like others said he'd had some serious bad news that day (relative with a serious health diagnosis, redundancy etc) there is no excuse for acting like this. Your self respect and mental health are the most important thing and they'll take a battering if you stay with someone who makes you cry for asking to do their share of being a responsible adult

What they say

he sounds like a cocklodger with you doing all the stuff.

WaryCrow · 10/03/2026 05:28

I’m worried about his ‘flying into a rage’. Over being asked to do his share. That’s really worrying. Sorry op he sounds like a manchild who wants a female domestic servant, and may yet turn out to be a bully or worse.

You can try to talk to him first about divisions of jobs but it’s worrying he doesn’t see either the jobs without you having to say. Remember you are the one who works full time so you are the one funding the house and who has less domestic time, not more.

WaryCrow · 10/03/2026 05:30

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

What actually do you see in him as a life partner?

Zanatdy · 10/03/2026 05:31

He’s annoyed that he has to pick up after himself and the woman in his life is asking him to do his share (rightly so). I’d say its unbelievable but sadly there are many men out there like him, and they don’t get much better. Only do it if ‘nagged’ and do a bad job, hoping they won’t need to do it any longer.

nomas · 10/03/2026 05:32

He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

This is going to be your entire life with him. You willl be his skivvy, you will gradually be responsible for everything and will tell
yourself you should be grateful he does the bare minimum.

Then you’ll have kids, he will get worse but because he plays with the kids for half an hour, you’ll tell yourself he’s an amazing dad so you should stay.

You can save yourself from all this and leave him now.

HoppingPavlova · 10/03/2026 05:42

@blueshoes This is not a different 'working style'. He is not 'working' at all. He games, puts up lights in his gaming 'office' and visits his mother. He does not 'wash, do dishes, nothing' until OP asks him and then he flies into a rage and then throws things, slam doors and calls her 'little miss righteous'. Is that what your DH with a different working style does? If so, would you condone it?

My point was it can be a matter of interpretation. That’s what DH and I had to resolve to begin with when we moved in together. He believed I did nothing until he asked me (exactly what you are describing), however that was not the case. I was just doing it to a different timetable.

For example, per my post. When we move, his take would be ‘she doesn’t do any unpacking unless I ask her and hassle her’. Whereas my take is ‘I don’t believe I need to do it now, my plan is to sit surrounded by boxes and tackle some on the weekend’. So, yes, in his mind, I’m not doing anything at all (while he is madly unpacking boxes), whereas in my mind I’m doing it on a different schedule and then not my fault if overall he has done the lions share because he has felt the need to rush to get it done whereas I have not. It’s been an issue whenever we have moved. My point was, can this be what the OP is experiencing.

Similarly, with the general everyday household routine example I have given, at the beginning his take was ‘she sits and does nothing while I do it all and I gave to ask her and hassle her to do it in order for it to get done’, whereas my take was ‘not my problem you are choosing to do household chores now because you think they need to be done now, and the fact I’m not doing anything now doesn’t mean I won’t do stuff, I’ll just do stuff later and no, I’m then not doing it because you hassled me about it, thinking you had to fir me to do it, I was going to do it then anyway on my own terms/schedule’. If that meant I had less to do when I got to it because meanwhile DH had done more thinking I wasn’t going to do it, but my problem. Again, this may/may not be relevant to OP’s situation, but I put it out there as seems they gave just moved into their own place together so may be the same as DH/I when we did so. He just learnt/accepted not to do it all, just do half, don’t mention the other half to me and I’ll do that in my time vs to his schedule. Once that got ironed out, perspectives changed and harmony was achieved. Again, may or may not be relevant to OP.

LoftyPlumLion · 10/03/2026 05:53

it doesn’t sound promising but I’d prepare to have an emotionally intelligent conversation about chores.

write a list of everything that needs doing and then sit him down and divide it up. If he acts like a dick then you know what you’ve got there.

passive aggressive sarcasm will only inflame the situation, you picking up his slack will just cause resentment and lead to flare ups (and him thinking it’s ok for him to be slack).

you can ask him what he thinks a fair division of labour is, but be prepared to push back if he says “I’m just not a good cook” when he tries to wriggle out of cooking

if it turns out he is scuzzy or wants a mum then time to get out, or if he uses aggression to get his way then get out.

good luck I hope he just needs some gentle steer in the right direction.

LoftyPlumLion · 10/03/2026 05:54

oh and having pink jobs and blue jobs is not the answer

Acutissima · 10/03/2026 06:05

He's started training you. Training you to put up and shut up.

Luckily you found out now, and not ten years down the line. Genuinely, you're worth more than that and I would leave.

Duvetdayneeded · 10/03/2026 06:08

If you haven’t ring fenced your deposit, act now, and get rid of him.

Acutissima · 10/03/2026 06:10

... And think very, very carefully before becoming the list -writing, wife work doing, manbaby appeasing doormat that the poster above my first comment suggests you become. You don't have to live that way, he's also an adult, and it's frankly depressing and awful to be expected to mould yourself like that to fit around an uncaring and aggressive man.

They just aren't worth it, despite how oestrogen and patriarchal socialisation try to make us believe they are.

DeQuin · 10/03/2026 06:11

Am concerned about your 70% deposit. Agree with PP who say that you shouldn't let this dictate your decision on whether to stay with him. If it's only been two weeks, it should make it simpler than 15 years down the line.

Honestly, this is a massive massive massive red flag. Do not, under any circumstances, have children with this man.

JustMyView13 · 10/03/2026 06:20

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He feels emasculated because you are more financially secure than him. Did you buy the house as tenants in common or joint tenants? And did you document that 70% of the deposit came from you?
I don’t see a world where you’re still with this guy in 25yrs so you might aswell make sure your paperwork is water tight. Download all your bank statements incase it’s not and start preparing your evidence. One day you’ll realise deserve more than his behaviour, and you’ll be thankful you were organised when you do.

HellybellyMelly · 10/03/2026 06:22

@Modernop do you have an exit plan? Make solid plans to get out. As previous people have said, hes showing you his true colours, and you should be happy you have no children. Speak to a friend, or ask a solicitor. Then id bide my time and get him out when the time is right.

My ex was like this, and in my case it was my house. But he refused to leave, and I had stupidly had kids. I got him out in the end but not before moving out myself. Thankfully he had no rights to anything.

blueshoes · 10/03/2026 06:23

HoppingPavlova · 10/03/2026 05:42

@blueshoes This is not a different 'working style'. He is not 'working' at all. He games, puts up lights in his gaming 'office' and visits his mother. He does not 'wash, do dishes, nothing' until OP asks him and then he flies into a rage and then throws things, slam doors and calls her 'little miss righteous'. Is that what your DH with a different working style does? If so, would you condone it?

My point was it can be a matter of interpretation. That’s what DH and I had to resolve to begin with when we moved in together. He believed I did nothing until he asked me (exactly what you are describing), however that was not the case. I was just doing it to a different timetable.

For example, per my post. When we move, his take would be ‘she doesn’t do any unpacking unless I ask her and hassle her’. Whereas my take is ‘I don’t believe I need to do it now, my plan is to sit surrounded by boxes and tackle some on the weekend’. So, yes, in his mind, I’m not doing anything at all (while he is madly unpacking boxes), whereas in my mind I’m doing it on a different schedule and then not my fault if overall he has done the lions share because he has felt the need to rush to get it done whereas I have not. It’s been an issue whenever we have moved. My point was, can this be what the OP is experiencing.

Similarly, with the general everyday household routine example I have given, at the beginning his take was ‘she sits and does nothing while I do it all and I gave to ask her and hassle her to do it in order for it to get done’, whereas my take was ‘not my problem you are choosing to do household chores now because you think they need to be done now, and the fact I’m not doing anything now doesn’t mean I won’t do stuff, I’ll just do stuff later and no, I’m then not doing it because you hassled me about it, thinking you had to fir me to do it, I was going to do it then anyway on my own terms/schedule’. If that meant I had less to do when I got to it because meanwhile DH had done more thinking I wasn’t going to do it, but my problem. Again, this may/may not be relevant to OP’s situation, but I put it out there as seems they gave just moved into their own place together so may be the same as DH/I when we did so. He just learnt/accepted not to do it all, just do half, don’t mention the other half to me and I’ll do that in my time vs to his schedule. Once that got ironed out, perspectives changed and harmony was achieved. Again, may or may not be relevant to OP.

@HoppingPavlova What you are describing is not relevant to OP because OP's boyfriend's response is to resort to express voilence against objects and implied violence against her. That is not healthy communication. That is a threat.

Nellodee · 10/03/2026 06:26

He sounds horrible and you sound miserable. Is this really how you want to spend your life?

toodleoothen · 10/03/2026 06:26

He sounds insufferable. And, you don't sound, unfortunately, like you are likely to heed all the huge red flags and advise (from those who have been there, done that and got the scars) on this board. Ofcourse you will tear up at this kind of behaviour. And, it will only get worse.

blueshoes · 10/03/2026 06:30

Duvetdayneeded · 10/03/2026 06:08

If you haven’t ring fenced your deposit, act now, and get rid of him.

I agree.

OP, be grateful that the only thing you will lose at this stage is money (and his deadweight) which should be relatively little if you sell the house now. It is so much much worse if you are married and once you have kids with this abusive cocklodger and he has ground you down so much it takes you a lost decade or more to leave.

Leave this boyfriend when you are young, You can make a better life with a loving respectful partner that does not make you cry because he is grooming you not to make any demands on him.

TheMadGardener · 10/03/2026 06:30

At least he's shown you who he is early. He doesn't really care about you, he just wants a maid who'll clean and provide sex while he games. Don't have kids with him or marry him. You'll just end up doing 90% of childcare and housework and resenting him. Lay down some rules for fair division of labour, and if he kicks off, break up with him. It may sound daunting when you've just bought a house but you can find someone so much better who treats you like you deserve. Do you really want to spend years resenting his behaviour?