Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Would I have told him not to prioritise the lights - probably not tbh if diy/ decorating still needs done. But would I continue to date him after that reaction? Absolutely fucking not. Even if had have come upstairs and had a tone with him it still wouldn't justify that reaction from him.

That was abusive and utterly unacceptable. Get rid op, you're only 2 weeks in and he's already showing you who he is.

He's training you to not exoect him to help in future because you now know how he will act if you ask him to.

In his eyes, his time, and what he wants to do is more important than your wants and needs.

You’ve got to get out of the relationship now. This man is a nasty, exploitative, violent little prick who doesn’t care about you at all. He’s a misogynist. He believes women are worth less than him and he will never, ever change. He will almost certainly turn his violence on you and any child you have eventually.

Cut your losses, and get out before you mess up your future child by giving them this abusive shit as a father. And then I beg you, spend as much time in therapy as it takes to understand why you ever put up with being treated like this - why you thought it was normal for the woman to do all the shitwork, why you think you’re worth so little that this little man seems like someone you want.

My advice would be instead of crying, go and find him and give him what for OP.

Ask him who the hell put him in charge, and why does he feel the need to insult the person who he only recently chose to buy a home with. Tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable, and that unless he is prepared to sit down and work out a routine of dealing with household tasks which is fair to BOTH of you, and STICKING WITH IT, that you are done with him, and will be putting the house back on the market, and moving back to where you came from, as you're not prepared to put up with his abuse, and MEAN IT!!

As so many others have said, please, please, please DO NOT get pregnant with this arsehole, as things will only get worse, probably even while you're carrying his child. DON'T RISK IT!

You're far better off with no man, than putting up with shit like this OP!

What an abusive dickhead!! So sorry OP, you shouldn't be treated like this. Xx

Has he ever done anything like this whilst you were at his Mums? Xx

Why does the lazy bastard only work 20 hours a week whilst you work over 50?

Seriously OP bin him off and send him back to his mother.

Lovey, he's never going to change. He doesn't work full time, you put down most of the deposit, he complained when you said spending money on going out wasn't a great choice when you were saving. He doesn't clean the house & is keen to sat up his gaming den whilst you run the house around him. Now he's priming you to do everything without asking him, by manipulating you with his bad moods. It won't get better. Sell the house, move back near family & friends, and don't waste years in this man. Please for goodness sake don't have a baby with him. You'll be tied to him for life, & he has already shown that he's happy to be verbally & emotionally abusive to you at a minimum.

Thank Goodness it’s only two weeks in and not two years op.
get out at the beginning don’t wait until you’re beaten down and made a slave of.
he thinks he’s swopped one maidservant for another by the sounds of it. Misogynistic pig.
Sounds as if he’s been bullying you and calling you demeaning names for a while now and yet you still moved on with him.
Did you think his behaviour would improve? Well it won’t.

1. you put your big girls knickers on and stand up to him.
2. you just shut up and put up with it
3. you get the hell out
4. you throw him out

These are the choices but whatever you do, do not have children with him, as others have said because if you think you have problems now…

Do you own the property together? Is this behaviour from him normal? This would would have me contemplating a separation.

Kick him out get a lodger. Buy him out

He was immature, disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

It may help to change your framing. A woman shouldn’t be ‘helped’ by a man to carry out everyday domestic chores, like cooking, washing up, laundry and tidying. Because she’s not primarily responsible.

Men are equally responsible. If he lived alone, he’d have to do it all himself.

And looks like he may end up living alone, because no one (flatmate, partner) should put up with even having to ask him to do it, let alone tolerate his response.

Sorry I just now read all your comments. I would not see a future with this man.

Wow OP. What a horrible situation, I really feel for you.

I think the advice you've been given here is pretty sound. If you were my sister, daughter or friend I'd be terrified of getting that call...

As hard as it seems ending this relationship now, imagine yourself five years from now having had to put up with this behaviour and constant stress - it’ll wear you down in ways you might not even notice at first. The therapy bills alone could easily cost more than whatever you’d lose financially by walking away now.

Hold onto yourself. Don’t let him rob you of your confidence, your peace of mind, or years of a life that could be spent with someone that's actually nice to you and treats you like a human being.

This is how it starts and it never ends well.

You have to leave NOW!

Get rid

OP you mentioned you moved closer to be with him. How far away is your family or, friends?

can someone from your friends or family come and stay with you for a while (and he needs to move back to his family) until you figure out best way to deal with the house?

Please listen, @Modernop ….. I’ve not read the whole thread, but I’m quite old and have been married over forty years. So I know a thing or two.

I assume you did not ring-fence your 70% deposit?

You probably knew he was lazy, in terms of the hours he works, his unwillingness to cook and clean and his gaming addiction. And still you went ahead.

It’s only been two weeks. If you pull the plug now, you can still rescue your deposit.

Yes, it will be painful, both financially and because it means letting go of the dream of building a joint life with the man you love.

Nevertheless you must do it to save yourself and your happiness. Because if you don’t you WILL regret it.

Yeah, but she needs to address that question.

It's not victim blaming to suggest to someone that they need to look out for their own welfare

Genuine question, why are you buying the food, cooking his meals, cleaning up after him and doing his laundry?

You are not a stay at home mum. You work more hours than he does.

I have been with my DH for nearly 30 years and have never done more than 50% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. most of the time I do around 20%.

When we first moved in together it wouldn’t have occurred to me to do what you are doing.

Is it because you are female?

Just wondering, is this the first time he's been properly responsible for the upkeep of a house? When you lived with his mum did she do most of the tidying up and cleaning?

Just sort of sounds like he expects someone else to clean up for him and you've only just realised because it's the first time you're the only "someone else"?

I know you say it’s your first home, but had you ever lived together before, like in a flat share or at one of your parents? Basically, is he usually normal and this anger is just a one-off?

If you haven’t and this is actually the first time living together, he’s showing you his true colours during which is supposed to be the happiest time for you both. I’m afraid you’ve picked a wrong-un! OR you’re too intense for him! Either way you’re incompatible and this could escalate.

Wish people would stop saying his mother! He presumably had two parents. And it's not his mum's job to look after him now.

Oh good grief, send him back to his mum' s. You are giving up and compromising too much, this is uneven. Put in more money, do more house work, moved from your home town for him and then he responds horribly to you over nothing and it sounds like a pattern.
I know you say you don't look down on him but maybe try bring more objective because I think even he knows you can do much better.

Do you have much else in your new area other than him, or would you be better back on your old town? Of it's just him that's lead you there I'd be tempted to bail.

You don't have to live like this, OP. You really don't.

He won't change.

Oh @Modernop I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment that made me cry

Nobody in a decent relationship behaves like this. I might argue with my DH, we might even shout (rarely), but we would NEVER say something derogatory to or about each other.

You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to pull his weight - draw up a list of tasks and assign them if you need to. If he continues to push back you need to consider your options, one of which is asking him to leave.