Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

You set your standard low @Modernop Sadly if you stay with him, this is your life and if you have kids, they'll be your responsubity too.

Get out now whilst you can.

I'm.definitely in the get out of the relationship camp. Can you manage to buy him.out? Maybe take in a lodger to make up the income? He's absolutely horrible to you and even if he starts "helping" you it will all still be your responsibility. Don't marry, dont get pregnant. It will only get worse.

Nothing more to add but support. Please get out. See a solicitor ASAP.

Please get out, it's not too late. If you stay he will bring you down. If you can prove you paid the 70% deposit you may get that back, sell the house you may get a little bit of profit from it. Then run as far away from this bastard as you can.

This man tries to make you feel inferior because he is inferior to you and he knows it. He would not name call otherwise. Good for you fir making him pay half the bills though.

Good luck

You cannot live with this man. Whatever it takes - kick him out, buy him out, get tenants in - get rid of him. There is no dream here to salvage.

What is the point in sticking with this man? Get away from him..You deserve better

OP just give as good as you get - maybe he will then be the one to move out?!
He is ''Little Mister Misogynist'' etc of course!
If he scares you - call the police at once.
Pack HIS suitcase.
He can go back to mum - as he is ''Little Mister Very Immature'' etc!

Selling the house is NOT an overreaction. It IS the appropriate safe response. 💯

Are you afraid that is what it will look like? Like a overreaction by you? 🤔
That he and/or others will call you crazy or something like that? No. Just no. Fuck him 👎

Best to look like an overreactor and GET OUT NOW, instead of being a broken, dowtrodden, shadow of a broken woman (with a black eye or worse) in the future. 😔

Get your financial ducks in a row and don't let him weasel his way/ talk you out of it. 🦆

Sending hugs 🫂
@Modernop

"I've always wanted my own home"

@Modernop This is not your own home. It's a home you share with someone who treats you like shit and appears to want you to do as much of the financial heavy lifting as he can get away with, as well as doing the majority of the domestic labour. He has made you cry, made you doubt yourself, and made you feel stuck. You cannot create a safe and happy home with this man. What you can do is get shot of him, accept the financial setback that this might have caused you on your route to having your own home as a stark lesson in how cohabiting can change your relationship dynamic, and go on to live a life where you're free to only accept respect, mutual effort, and happiness.

It's also worth reiterating what others have said: these early days should be the halcyon days of excitement and romance. If this is what he's like now, imagine what he'll be like in five years' time when he's really shown his true colours. By then, there's be five years' more of your cash in that house, five years of your money supplementing his part time earnings which could have gone into saving for your own place, and five more years of him eroding your confidence in your own judgement.

2 weeks in…I think perhaps everyone’s a bit stressed with the upheaval. It’s not as if he was sat on his arse, you have to suck up sometimes that you have certain jobs to do whilst he does others, especially if you can’t do them yourself. I’d expect moving forwards jobs are split evenly but in the initial moving in phase you do what has to be done.

reading your update:
I think people’s response about money can be sightly wrong. I paid 0 of our deposit and for years paid 40% of bills. My partner didn’t resent this. We now do 50/50 even though I’m the higher earner. If you don’t have a plan in place together for him to up his earnings then you need to work on that asap. If he’s not then he needs to accept his has to pick up the slack on his afternoons off. I do shift work, I pick up the slack on weekdays where I’m home, he needs to do the same.

the slamming and throwing needs to stop asap, if he can’t then he needs to shape up or ship out.

keep proof of your contributions to the home, deposit. Furniture etc especially if you haven’t protected your deposit

It's how he's reacting to it - tantrums and shouting and banging things, verbal abuse of OP. And also has history of it while living with his mum! That's not moving stress, that's a dangerous pattern emerging.

i feel he may feel emasculated you’re out performing him by quite some way, but that’s not your problem. He’s less responsible, less productive & immature. We all have differences in our relationships but is this really what you want your life to look like. If you have kids how is that going to be for you. Take that Little miss righteous comment and wear it like a badge of fucking honour. Because if you’re little miss righteous his a little man baby. My advice now but would change if you had kids is to get out now. Lesson learnt and cut your loses and go home.

2 weeks in my and hubby could barely get ourselves out of bed. We enjoyed doing all the household tasks together.

Aaaaargh!!!Will you listen to everyone on here!!!

Selling the house now is the only sensible option and not an over-reaction.

If you carry on minimising his bad behaviour and trying to justify it, you will massively regret doing that in 5/10/20 yrs time.

It will not get better, only an awful lot worse!

Please sell the house asap.
You have paperwork to provide to prove the majority is yours.
Get out now, while you can.
He will lay hands on you one day, have no doubt about it.
He is using you.

Please try and protect yourself while you can.
Contact Women's aid for support.

It would be a crime to inflict him on a child.

@LucyLoo1972 I’m saying something along the lines of many others here - this should be the honeymoon period, instead he is belittling her and causing an atmosphere and it turns out there is a history of anger issues. I guess it could get better but if it’s like this in the good times it’s more likely it will be even worse if there are curveballs like money worries, a young baby and sleepless nights etc I have been in a similar relationship and like many others here I wish I had called it a day sooner. Hindsight is great isn’t it?

I wish more people realised this.

I was on here in late 2010's begging for advice/help with my abusive ex, and i regularly got my ass handed to me for not uprooting myself and my two kids and leaving immediately.. like it was that simple.

I'd love to tell those people that yes, i got out, in my own time, with my sanity and the kids safety intact... but that it had to be at the right time, not on their timeline.

OP, I want to ask you a question for you to think about. When he flies off into a rage, does he scare you?

We all lose our temper at times. My DH definitely does. But I have not once, not ever been scared of him. If you are scared of him when he goes into a rage (as you put it) then you need to leave him. You should never be scared of a man you live with.

As a final plea…. the ink is not yet dry on your house purchase, there is probably something that can be done to protect your equity and share of the house if you decided to stay. But you need to act quickly. Please speak to a solicitor asap.

OP you are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out before he starts to hurt you physically. Because he will.

Nothing else matters - the house, the money, nothing. Get out and save yourself.

Omg you MUST leave him. Sell the house and split the money 70-30 in your favour. Since that was his logic on what you had to contribute.
:)

Please. Please, please don't put up with this.

Personally I'd buy him out and move on with your life. He sounds like a child and you sound mature and together. Don't have a baby with him unless this gets sorted out.

The next time he doesn’t carry his weight and you consider speaking to him about it, you’ll remember this. You’ll remember it made you cry, how long it lasted, the mood in the house. And then you’ll tell yourself you’d rather just do everything yourself because, as horrible as that is, it’s better than the reaction.

That’s why he did it. It works. From his side, he’ll notice it works and repeat it in many future contexts.

He’s also shown himself to be a manipulative nasty shit.

This! Please get out whilst you can as this won’t get better.

If your deposit is not ring-fenced, then you need urgent legal advice.

I’d also suggest counselling for you, so you can come to realise what a healthy, balanced relationship loss like. Because this ain’t it.