Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Oh you need to leave op. Get out while you still have the strength. This man will beat you down, you’ll end up trapped, with children, with no shred of self worth left if you stay. You see it time and time again on here, awful abusive men who are with well meaning women who see the best in them and ‘he’s not like it all the time’ and ‘he’s a good dad’. But it’s not ok. This is your chance to get out and get something better for yourself, single life would be 100x better than this crappy excite a relationship.

You are not over-reacting. Get out of there.

Leave. Just leave. Every single reason you posted just underlines you need to end this non relationship. Learn not to care what others think. Some would be horrified I divorced my long time husband over things he said. Not even something he did. Don't care. My life. My instant decision.

This is exactly what he’s doing. Kicking off so you know better for next time.

Cut your losses op and leave the prick

It's a pity that you didn't ring fence your deposit but there is little you can do about that now and as time goes by that will only get worse. Leave him - maybe try and buy him out if you really like the house and try and get him to be reasonable and respect your deposit (he sounds like a user so not likely but at least when he refuses to let you have your 70% back you will know what a dishonest person he is). Move on with your life. He is using you financially and as his live in housekeeper - were you to have kids this would get 100% worse. He also (a) doesn't respect you ("you got lucky"), (b) is abusive and (c) is lazy. Those characteristics are all deal killers in a relationship.

I remember curling up in a ball on the bare floor the day me and my boyfriend moved in together. I thought I'd made a massive mistake. I was just scared of the potential of things falling apart and not having my own space. He was really helpful during this all and helped me calm down and we loved organising our own place together. You should still be in a 'honeymoon' phase two weeks in really.
Is he having a wobble like I did and panicking ? It could be that. Maybe you both need a breather.
Are you close to family nearby or alone ? I didn't have the option to go stay with family, but maybe a night sleepover at a family members might help give breathing space.
It's a massive change moving in together and agree with other posters that you need to make sure behaviours like this don't stick. But I also think that there may be more to it , maybe he is struggling with the change too.
Give it time and see if he apologises.

Dump him and run…. Major red flags … go now before it’s too late.

Sorry I have just read your update. This is identical to my boyfriend. Also ex army long term, medical discharge (injury) anger and stress problems that he tries to manage by himself without professional help (in 10 years I've tried to encourage him but to no avail) never any aggression towards me but has thrown things and been snappy when stressed at work.
I definitely think there is an ex-army situation here. I'd try and get help from military support services. I haven't been successful in trying to get mine to engage, but you may have better luck xx

I hate to say 10 years ago I moved in with my boyfriend, and very similar things happened. I always put it down to my tone, or he had a hard day, or i was expecting alot. Truth was he was a lazy mommy's boy. I put down the deposit on the house, paid 80% of the bills, did all the cooking and cleaning. If things weren't done hed tell his mom and shed pop round and make digs. There were dents in the walls and floors from him chucking things about all the time. My anxiety became unbearable. He even got cross when his "mancave" became my office during lockdown. Foolishly I married him. We moved house again, as I thought maybe we needed a bigger house and a fresh start would help my anxiety. Nope, I redecorated the house top to bottom, paid for a new kitchen and bathroom, still ended up with dents in the walls and floors. I had enough and asked for a divorce. Mommy's boy got half of the house, something he financially didnt deserve and cost me 10k in legal fees as he dragged the divorce out over 2years.
Moral of the story is...if someone shows you who they ate, believe them. Today hes lost his temper over tidying up, tomorrow will be the same

You do need to be careful as he is legally entitled to half of the proceeds if you end up selling, or if you want to buy him out he can legally insist of his half of your hard earned deposit. Not saying you need to stay with him, absolutely do not, but just be aware that is now legally entitled to this.

Please please anyone going into a joint tenancy who is putting up most of the deposit, get a tenants in common mortgage and own a higher percentage to reflect the fact you put in more, or have it legally drawn up that if you split, your deposit is returned to you prior to dividing any profit. Unfortunately too late for OP, though some people are decent and recognise that although legally they are entitled to 50% of deposit, they would never demand it.

Please read all these responses from people who have experienced what you are right now, I hope you are ok x

He's not 'training' her he's gaslighting and deflecting blame onto her for his laziness and lack of care and she's not his 'assistant' she's his Mum with benefits! 🙄
She needs to get shot of him asap and tell him exactly why she's doing it but preferably while someone else is there, on the phone or by text! 😡
She doesn't say how long they've been together but if this is his behaviour after just moving in I don't want to even imagine how this will develop in not too short a time! 😱

I'm hoping you are renting because otherwise it's only getting worse.

I'm so sorry and I hate to say, but £10k - you got off cheap. Lawyers are at least £250 per hour plus VAT. If dickheads decide to be awkward that racks up a bill very quickly. Representing yourself - although supposedly technically possible - and many on here seem to do OK at that. It's stressful. But no reply from OP - hope she's OK?

What worries me is you say you fear the “next few days will be ruined”. If he is making you suffer with silent treatment and moods for days on end then that is emotionally abusive stonewalling as punishment. He is testing whether or not his reaction will stop you asking again- this is controlling.
I know you’ve only just moved in so you might want to see how things go- but don’t forget this moment yet.
I would try and have a reasonable and calm conversation about how you will split the chores fairly now you live together. If you still get this sort of reaction you may want to reconsider your long term plans.

I am sorry OP this is going to sound harsh but your boyfriend sounds like an entitled t**t who wants the easier life of working half time then throws the fact that you earn more (because you work more than twice the number of hours he does) back in your face and expects you to pick up the majority of the bills (well done for standing firm on the utilities) and still run around doing everything in terms of household tasks. If you have put in 70% to the deposit I would kick him out and buy out his 30% share. His behaviour now is a sign of far worse to come. Not what you want to hear I know, but sadly there it is.....

This reeks of "training" behaviour. He wants you to be upset and doubt yourself so next time your response will be "it's easier to do it myself than cause an argument". It wasn't about tone or anything you said but about him wanting you to do it and to stop you asking in future.

I feel so sorry for you. Please consider leaving things will only get worse. You sound so sensible and hard working saving all your pennies! You deserve some better and someone who appreciates you. Someone who will help you when you ask him and wants to support you at all times.

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your comment was like a mother talking to her kids. He isn't your child. Maybe he just wanted to do the lights?

Ugh! I had a bf once start acting like this once we moved in. I wasn't expecting it because when we lived separately he kept his living space clean and tidy, cooked his own meals, made his sandwiches for work and did his laundry correctly etc. But as soon as I was under the same roof he started treating me like the maid and disrespecting me.

This does not magically improve. He does know better, he is choosing not to do better. So early on in a relationship this is a huge red flag. He is showing you what his expectations of you are i.e. to be the bang maid and shut up.

Leave his sorry ass while you still can. His behaviour is abusive and the temper tantrums, shouting, slamming of doors and violence toward objects may escalate to violence toward you before too long.

Why are you with him? He's useless!!!

Your other option is to buy him out or him you ( though from the sounds of it he can't afford that). Did you not protect your % of deposit ie who paid in what. Though you can go back and get evidence of this as you can see the payments made to mortgage lender via bank transfer and who it came from. If you need to split go seek advice from a lawyer with experience in this.

This, he has a noisy tantrum snd verbally abused/chastised you. You have just moved in together you should be in the honeymoon period. In 5 years time he will have broken your spirit. You aren't "little miss" anything if you fo stay grow a backbone and give yourself permission to use your voice before tantrums verbal abuse and weaponised incompetence set in.

This isn’t the right relationship for you and nor the right way to be treated by a future life partner. Put the house on the market.

i don’t say this lightly either being usually an advocate for finding common grounds, however this is the start for you and when you should be in bliss mode together…

he isn’t nice when he doesn’t get his own way.