Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

This was a good response. I wish you'd tagged the poster you quoted.

If you want to give it just one try before you LTB, sit him down and calmly tell him that it has to be a partnership. He doesn't get to opt out of your joint domestic life, or sulk about it, and you expect full participation as two adults. If that is not acceptable to him and he does not commit to change for the sake of your relationship, you know what to do.

Please please get out of this one sided, nasty relationship before it gets really bad…. and it will I’m positive of it.
My daughter was in a similar relationship and it took her 2 years to realise how bad it was. Fortunately like you she was young, well qualified and earning good money. She was upset as she thought they were both in love. Six months later she met a wonderful guy and they’ve been married several years. Don’t put up with this loser. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

This is an abusive man OP. It will only get worse. You need to leave now for the best outcome for you. Good luck.

Please send him back to his mum, life is to precious to have a disgusting partner to start your life in your new home.He has zero respect for you.💐

You would not be overreacting if you sold the house now..

How many times would this need to happen and how long for before you could say it's not overreacting? 5 years? Ten? In front of the kids? Over and over?

You could save yourself all that hurt over all those years if you cut your losses now. Nothing is going to change him or his behaviour, it will get worse, not better, that is how these things go. Before you know it, a lifetime of hiding your tears in the bathroom will have passed.

You must do this for yourself.

Yes this
I hope it’s rented and I hope you aren’t pregnant

This reminds me of my 2nd boyfriend - he used to tell me that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I very much wasn't - my parents were on minimum wage, but unlike his feckless father and worn-down mother, my parents worked hard and were very savvy at stretching what money they had to cover everything. The overriding feeling I got off him was that he was jealous of me.
I realised after about a year, that a relationship with someone who was jealous of me was never going to work, and I dumped him.

You seem very driven by wanting to buy a house, which is a good thing, but I wonder if this has clouded your judgement. If you put in 70% of the deposit and you earn more than him, then you're mostly buying it yourself anyway. You might have to trade it for a slightly smaller house or a doer-upper, but you certainly don't need him. In fact, all your hard-earned money is just going to get spent by him if you're not careful.

It took me 10+ years to get out. He convinced me I'd never be able to cope by myself and said he'd make sure none of my friends would have anything to do with me again by the time he'd told them all how nightmarish I was. He'd got into debt and I thought I'd have to pay half. He did screw me over financially but I did escape by which time I was 33.

Please don't stay for ten years like me.

Why on earth didn't you ring fence your deposit, did he persuade you not to?

You need to get rid of this arsehole, he's treating you shockingly. Please don't get pregnant!! (Though why you'd ever want to open your legs for him i don't know!)

Is there anyway you can buy him out or at least get a retrospective agreement ringfencing each of your deposits.

He should be paying more of the mortgage so that he matches the 70% you put down tbh.

You mention anger, might it be wise to ask for Claire’s law disclosure for DV. Cannot imagine he has not done this before. This might give you some real life red flag if it is in black & white.

Has he done anything about getting counselling for his anger?

It's not an over reaction because there's a clear pattern of behaviour which he is chosing to repeat and it's making you unhappy.

Was his medical discharge from the army mental health related?
What was he stressed so about that he was banging doirs and throwing things - aged what, nearly 30? - and how did he overcome it?

Please look up “boiling frog” metaphor... He already has normalised some red flag behaviours for you and so you are left thinking whether selling house or some other form of decisive action by you is an overreaction (it isn’t).

Here is a short summary of boiling frog (someone might have better explanation)
The "boiling frog" metaphor is used by organizations like
Inverness Women's Aid to illustrate how coercive control and domestic abuse escalate gradually. Victims often adapt to slowly increasing, subtle abuse, similar to a frog in heating water, making it difficult to recognize the danger until it is too late to escape.

Key aspects of this concept in the context of women's aid include:

• Coercive Control: The metaphor highlights how abusers convince victims they are safe and loved while gradually restricting their freedom.
• Gradual Normalization: Abuse often starts subtly, with victims adapting to small changes in behavior until the situation becomes unbearable.
• Homelessness Link: The "Boiling Frogs" concept is also used to highlight the link between domestic abuse and homelessness, with 40% of women citing abuse as a factor in losing their homes.

Sorry OP but this abusive entitled cocklodging prick saw you coming. I know it’s too late now but honestly why on earth did you think buying a house with him was a good idea?

You need to cut your losses, take the financial
hit and write this off as a mistake. That’s not easy but staying would be a far bigger mistake.

He needs to go back to his mothers house

Can you buy him out and rent out a room?

Please, please, please do not just muddle along until you get pregnant and end up doing everything by yourself while we watchs and complains.

Selling the house isn’t over reacting - it’s the only way out of a miserable situation that will choke your life. At the moment you are under reacting.

This is the best it’s ever going to be. The honeymoon period. And he has you dancing a jig every time you dare to stray from the compliant doormat he wants.

He is already stealing your happiness about achieving a life goal. His behaviour is unsafe as it is filled with contempt.

It’s hard as you love (him) properly but you must love your hopes for a happy life more…listen to how he doesn’t like you and get him out or leave yourself. Take safe steps as men like this are dangerous.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cg5nelp5enpo

We are taught from childhood a woman should be part of a couple / have a man…no matter how lacking they are…it’s easy to overlook their qualities as women aren’t taught to have equitable standards…expect them to clean, tidy, cook, adult etc…

So he ate the dinner you made and didn’t do the dishes annd clean the kitchen after? No way. In our house if you cook you don’t clean and that’s just the rule. I’d highly recommend implementing that immediately.

That only solves one of the many problems here. He clearly has anger issues and needs to work on them. He clearly does not appreciate you in the slightest and name calling and all that towards you is really horrible. That would get anyone down. You deserve somebody who is as ambitious and caring as you appear to be, I wouldn’t settle for this man unless he does some serious work on himself.

We are sold the Mr D'Arcy myth! Behind every moody, rude, bad tempered git is a lovely, big softy waiting for an Elizabeth Bennet to open his heart! Complete bullshit. Most of them are born wankers and remain wankers.

He sounds like he would be a shit housemate, let alone partner. Work out what it would take to buy him out / take on mortgage alone. Go and see a broker. You could take in a lodger to help cover the costs.
I wish you all the best.
PS make sure your contraception is ironclad...

I think you should leave. This man is a angry manipulative bastard. You put down 70% of the deposit on the house, he was trying to make you pay more than 50% of the bills because you work long hours and earn more. He works part time. See where this going?

The abuse from him is horrible, he name calls you to make you feel bad about yourself. He works part time, does not do his fair share of the house work. If you stay with him you are enabling him and he will carry on being the selfish abusive prick he is.

He is showing you how your life be with him. His servant, cook, cleaner and arse wiper.

You deserve much better, get rid of him.