Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

@Modernop it must be very hard for you to read all these posts.
I feel your sadness in your last post. Please contact a solicitor. You should have been advised to ringfence the deposit and I would urge you right now to ensure that your interests are protected. You are paying more of the mortgage too. So it is important to get this bit sorted.
Do that now. Immediately.

Then regroup and consider what you want to do longer term. But first of all protect your own financial interests

I’d see a lawyer about your deposit in case there any chance it’s so recent that you can get it back.

Get rid

The sooner you can get out of this, the less money you'll lose and the sooner you can put it behind you..

This is no way to live. Have you told your Mum?

This is a a massive field of waving red flags. From what you have written this man will almost certainly take all your self esteem and most of your money. It's not to late to get out and there is absolutely no shame in it.💐

You are not blessed and lucky. He is blessed and lucky - he saw you coming!

Read the relationship boards, get your ducks in a row and LTB.

He is not even considering your ''point of view'' - he can't be bothered about what you ''think'' or ''feel'' as he is not interested. And he certainly cannot be bothered to change his ways for you either. So he just reuses demeaning names and phrases to call/describe you - convenient for his lazy mind - and there certainly is no care, feeling or thought for you.

Wow, he didn’t wait long to show his true colours. He is attempting to condition you to accept a role whereby you serve him, perform all chores and never question or demand anything of him or else you’re a “little miss righteous” nag with “a tone”. I imagine it would go down like a sack of sick if you clapped back with ok fine “Mr slob”, “Mr. Can’t show initiative” , “Mr. I want a mummy not a partner”.

in some ways you are so lucky; you aren’t married, you don’t have kids and you have the financial means to RUN! Run far and run FAST.

He sounds like an angry man and honestly it would absolutely be done for me. Your requests were reasonable and his response says it all.

Interesting that he was in the army so would be well trained to do tidying/ organisation etc but he couldn't be bothered. Totally selfish and l would love to see his sorry face when he realises you are not prepared to put up with his Bellshill and show him the door. Hadn't even got the cop to pretend to be nice even for a few weeks. You have done absolutely nothing wrong..its all him.
And on top of that wants to work part time. Yeh right!!

OP the money is nothing - an expensive lesson and best case scenario you can buy him out and he fucks off but presuming that isn’t affordable it still a cheap lesson int hr long term. No kids, no years of abuse and time to invest in yourself and do the freedom program so you can recognise men like this next time. It isn’t moral to be name called or spoke to like this or shouted at. It’s abuse. He is an abuser and terrifyingly this is him at the start. The strongest thing you can do is get away and to be so proud of your confidence to do so.

Please don't stay just because you think it will be difficult to get out financially. He won't make you happy, he won't become a nicer person, and you have the chance to meet someone so much better. You deserve better than him!!!
See a solicitor and work out a path to separate from him. Luckily you aren't married and you are a good earner. If you want to keep the house and you paid 70%, is there a possibility of buying him out of his share? If not, just prepare yourself to sell the house and save to buy somewhere else just for you. You will take a financial hit but totally worth it to avoid wasting your best years on this unloving man.

Do you own has joint tenants or tenants in common?

Why on earth did you not protect your deposit? Just… what were you thinking?

This will escalate from throwing and slamming things to damaging furniture and your possessions, to much more aggressive verbal and even physical abuse. Been there. For God's sake see a solicitor and end this relationship.

You are not over reacting. Imagine having this reaction to you asking for help on a weekly basis. Do you want to live like that?
I'd imagine he has some good points since you're with him but remember your worth, you are not there to keep him or do all his cooking or laundry, it should be a partnership and he should appreciate the fact you wouldn't have that house without you and your deposit savings.

I suggest you stand up for yourself and lay down the treatment you expect..fair and respectful or buy him out. Can you afford the mortgage alone?

Kick him out now. He is showing u what his expectations are.
if u can’t do that at least get a cleaning and job rota n the go.
and if u cant do that, stop doing anything at all for him and i mean stop everything. No cleaning, no washing, no sex. Zilch.
and also working those hours u should be getting more than 15 mins break too . start using ur breaks for resting and relaxing, what it’s meant to be.

Time to see a solicitor. You should have done this pre moving in and your money would be ring fenced-now from the sound of it you will lose 50% because he sounds like a cunt who will not let you have your money back. But cut your losses anyway. Get him out. Life is too short. Read up on sunk costs fallacy

He doesn't like you. He is an underdog and wants to drag you down with him. If you downplay your feelings now, you'll look back and regret you didn't listen to your gut. Things won't get better. People like this escalate once they feel they have you more committed / stuck with them. He's definitely not someone to have children with also.

To be fair she can’t have had a very good conveyancer, mine made me protect the additional amount I put in to our house deposit even though we had been married for 8 years and I hadn’t even thought about it

And get copies of all the house legal stuff put away before it suddenly goes missing and u need to prove how much u put down compared to him.

@Modernop cut your losses and sell up- this man doesn’t like you- you are his meal ticket and he will continue to treat you like crap.

He behaves that way so you will stop asking him.
Ask yourself this, why does the man you love and plan to build a life with think it’s ok to call you names, make you cry and not pull his weight despite the fact that he works less hours than you?
This won’t get better and in fact it will get worse particularly if you ever end up dependent on him in any way.

Buy him out and enjoy your house

It doesnt even sound like he likes you

He shouts and throws things. This will escalate

DO NOT GET PREGNANT

You sound like a bright, strong woman who's just found themselves with a man who cant cope with being with a bright, strong woman. Dump him. Honestly, dont waste your life

This.

And kindly… wise up.

You’ve ignored the red flags that were there and not protected your finances.

Whilst only he can be blamed for his poor behaviour…you are to blame for ignoring the warning signs. Don’t ignore them any further.

This times 100. I ca’t give details as too outing but please please listen to this and your gut.

He's a misogynist twat with a temper. He's showing you who he really is. Leave him.