Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Imagine he had a real stress or a real issue, how angry will he be then? How irrational and moody?

^ This
It will escalate. He knows he can win, he strops and you cry. Get rid of him.

I’m so sorry it’s worked out like this for you but honestly this is not a good man. He will get worse not better especially if you have children.
You don’t need to stay in an abusive relationship over a house.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? Maybe by taking in a lodger short term?

That would give you some breathing space to decide if you want to sell and move back closer to friends and family.
Also when and if you do decide to sell you will have the money from this house to put towards buying another by yourself.

@ModernopI’ve read your posts, but not everyone else’s. But I agree with the gist.
You should both be in a honeymoon bubble together, working together to set up your new home, agreeing how you share the responsibility of running a home, together, not dealing with a sulky and verbally aggressive twat.
The sooner you put yourself first, and show him the door the better.

This

Hi
I’ve read each page of this and really feel for you.
There is always another route.
He doesn’t care that you’re crying over what he said to you.
He soon won’t even notice enough to make a dismissive comment.
It will become normal.
Not every day or every week. But the times that matter.

The holidays, Christmas, the night before a big thing for you at work, when you get promoted. Any time when you are celebrated or should be celebrated. Any time you ask for support or encouragement. An illness or bereavement, an aging parent.
Any work you want to be done in the house, painting, redecorating, gardening, building a wardrobe, putting up a mirror.

It will have to be done at his speed, you’ll finance it and he’ll be doing you a favour. Getting the work done will end up not being worth the hassle and arguing.
How will this end, how do these incidents end? Is he still apologetic? That will pass and it will get to be normal so nothing is spoken about. He won’t apologise honestly as he doesn’t feel he has done anything wrong.
You are in the wrong. You will always be wrong. The wrong tone, the wrong words. The wrong time. The wrong look.
Did your solicitor advise you about ring fencing your deposit, why did you not do this?
Agreeing to counselling will not change this. It’s just makes it harder to separate.

If you say you want to separate he will promise you everything, he will change, he needs you, he needs help, he is devastated.
He will do everything he can to stop you walking away as you have made his life easy and belittling you keeps you there.
He thinks you’re lucky to have him and how dare you tell him what to do.
And you work and plan and shop and cook and iron and clean and work.

And put a brave face on and stop crying because no one cares.
And hope but you will not have contentment while you anxiously check his mood, how he is feeling gives the vibe in your home.
So many, many women have known this man.
We are not all wrong or crazy or demanding or delusional.
I won’t tell you what to do.

It’s so hard to make a big decision but you could have peace and contentment in your own home that you worked so hard for and, in time, in your own time, see about relationship, this one or maybe a more fulfilling one.

If you decide to overlook this, see how long it is until you say the wrong thing, in the wrong tone, at the wrong time again. Make a note in your diary. See how it is resolved.
No one is perfect, there are always disagreements between people living together but the concerns you have told us about here go beyond the actual house.
It’s about how you are going to be treated in your most important relationship and how you are going to live your one precious life
💗

OP, when there is a transition point in a relationship, like moving in together, marriage or pregnancy, this is when bad behaviour often happens. Having been there, I know it escalates very quickly. In my case I moved to a new country with someone who appeared to have a complete personality change overnight.

If you want to try to save this, you could try to speak to him. Try to do it away from the house, at a time you are both calm.

FWIW, he has found a few things which really upset you and trots them out whenever challenged - he was happy to watch you struggling through all the chores while he farted around - and he is happy to benefit from you financially, calling you lucky when in fact you worked your arse off while he messes around with part time work. Its not looking great, but there is a chance he is just repeating patterns from his past and if you challenge him it may be the wake up call he needs.

Unfortunately you’ve bought a house with an abuser and you haven’t protected yourself financially. You need to get legal advice about buying him out. He won’t change. The slamming doors and silent treatment are big red flags and I’d be concerned that on top of the clear emotional abuse you will also be a victim of physical abuse (and I expect financial abuse too).

I agree with this. He's angry because he knows you are SO much better than him! And you are! But it's his problem. Get rid of him. Youre not married so he gets back exactly what he's put in. And if he won't go, stop subbing him.

He's a nasty git and I truly would advise you not to persevere with this relationship OP although I bet he'll be all sweetness and light when you dump his arse.

Can you afford to give him back what he’s put in and take the house on yourself? It sounds like you maybe could. Get a lodger for a while until you get on your feet with it. For the love of God get rid of him, he’s sick jealous of you. You can find someone on your level who adores you then you’ll be so thankful you got away from him

Oh mate. I am sorry. He sounds awful. If you can, buy him out. If not, sell. Your dream home does not need to have this guy in it, stinking your life up.

Agree. Get the ball rolling as soon as possible. I'll tell you what I would think of a friend doing this. I'd think they were immensely brave and to be admired. Do it for your future self. get out now.

Another one saying buy him out OP. But do not give him a penny unless it’s done with solicitor!!
I know it will feel like a failure to pull the plug now, but trust the hundreds of women on this thread who have been there and got the t shirt and are telling you to run.

Men like this do not improve

Men like this are bad fathers

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant with this fella and do not allow any further lines of credit ie credit cards, furniture loans etc.

You seem like a really hard working, sensible young woman - don’t waste your best years on a man child.

Honestly OP, cut your losses, this has been a financially expensive mistake (potentially), don't let it also drain your life too!

Get out while you can, this is only the beginning of how he will act with you.

Rip the plaster off quickly.

You do not deserve this.
LTB, as the others have said.
See a solicitor this week.

He is a bastard, and is hurting you, and will always do so. Leave now.

He is not good enough. He’s not good enough to be a boyfriend. He’s not good enough to live with. He’s certainly not good enough to buy a house with. And when you tell him that your time living together is coming to an end, and he asks you why, I hope you tell him that he’s not good enough for you.

You aren’t any of the things that he’s calling you. He’s training you not to ask him to do anything. He’ll snap and shout and sulk until you just stop asking him and do it yourself because it’s easier than coping with his tantrums. What level of contempt and manipulation do you have to have inside you to intentionally treat someone you’re supposed to love, like that?

I totally agree.

Definitely read that book. There is a free PDF online.

But also make an appointment with a family solicitor to establish how you can protect your deposit pending the sale of the house.

ETA….. it would be great if you could buy him out!

100%, you need to leave him

Child like little twat! Tell him as you cant discuss allocation of household jobs in a mature way you will stick a list on fridge on everything that needs doing and he can choose half and tick em off as he feels fit. And i wouldnt fall into the 'please' trap like hes doing you a favour!!

He is trying to teach you to be scared of his reaction when you ask him to do his share so you will stop asking him. His behaviour is bullying and manipulative . This is not going to work in any way where you will be happy or equal. Cut your losses and get out of this !

Seek Legal advice ASAP. You most certainly are not overreacting, he is being abusive and conditioning you. You are already making excuses for him.

Sending you strength and support OP, you do not need this sad excuse of a man in your life.

Your updates make it clear you've landed a bad one.

It's OK, we all make mistakes. He is the one before the one. The Learning Curve. A lot of us go through one of these amd 15 years later we count our blessing that we had the sense to make the hard decision to correct our paths.

You deserve a boyfriend who doesn't throw things and bully you and coerce you with Miss Perfect language to divert from him being a nasty loser.

It's a lesson. Do what you can to get as much money back as possible but don't waste your youth and energy on him. It's just money, you can earn it again. You can't move on while you're with him.

what do you do if your DH pr DP doesnt seem to want to bother nesting and making. a nice home for you?

This

i would consider it a lucky escape

Do you think you can buy him out (at the correct % he put in) or get him to agree for the house to be sold? I would expect him to be obstructive and demanding so get legal advice, gather evidence, seek support but whatever you do get out of this damaging relationship.