Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

The person you sleep beside is someone you should feel completely safe with. Someone who cares about you, supports you and encourages you.

This is not a relationship that's going to fix itself. He resents your success and wants to bring you down. He's going to destroy your self-esteem. Unfortunately you can't fix this, and he doesn't want to. The sooner you face the reality, the better. Talk to a solicitor. Look after yourself.

And talk to someone in real life - family or friends. If he hasn't already started driving a wedge between your other relationships, he will soon. Others may have already started backing away. Let them know you are waking up. Ask their opinion. Ask for help.

If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

Overreacting?!!! Surely you can see that this relationship isn’t going to work, not now, not ever.

The longer you delay, the greater the chance that you’ll lose at least part of the extra 30% deposit you put up. PLEASE seek legal advice NOW.

If you want your own home,buy it either alone or with someone who is worthy of being your life partner - not this cocklodging AH loser who is financially and emotionally abusing you.

Dump him. He is a loser. I would hope, despite sorry your foolishness, that because this is such a new deal, you are able to get your proper % of deposit back. Please take legal advice.

I would try to buy him out and get a lodger to help with mortgage.

You need to end this asap, OP. It won't get better. It will only get worse and more frightening and more difficult to leave.

He is showing you who he is. Betting that you'll feel unable to do anything about it.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Working harder than him, paying for more than your share, not being able to rely on him, too scared to say anything, living in fear of the next rage or worse? Because if not, you can walk away now. See a solicitor, sell the house, get as much of your money back as you can, and move on.

Yep, bin him off. Proper grown up adult men are happy to do their part and would not speak to you like that. Life is too short - and you will regret sticking around in 30 years time when he still talks to you like shit!

If you don’t leave now OP he will destroy your life.

He does not need counselling to control his anger. He is completely in control of it. And is using it to control you.

Read “ Why does he do that” a book by Lundy Bancroft”. You will see him in there.

Cut your losses.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? And is it worth the aggro?

Dear God, I hope you ringfenced your 70% contribution!!

Please reconsider your relationship. Don't let the fact you (stupidly) bought a house with this arsehole convince you to stay. Cut your losses now.

He's treating you like shit.
How badly do you have to be treated before its too much?
Walk away.
Its better than living with someone who clearly loathes you.

Decent men don’t behave like this. At all. Get him out of there and buy him out of the house as soon as you can.

@everypageisempty it's not ring-fenced, no.

@Modernop selling the house wouldn't be overreacting. If this is how you're living in the new home honeymoon period, imagine what life will be like for you 5, 10, 20 years down the line. In fact, you don't have to imagine, just spend a day reading some of the heartbreaking threads on here.

You say that if you sold the house ‘over this’ you’d be overreacting. If it were a one off comment in a stressful moment I’d agree. But it’s not, he has worked out over time how to push your buttons to hurt you and belittle you. It’s not a one off and it’s likely to increase in frequency now. Over time that will have the potential to wear you down so that you accept it. If you stay just be aware of that.

And I would say it’s not just ‘over this’ he is using you to pull in the savings and earnings to make it all happen while he works part time and contributes less and treats you like a skivvy. You’re not lucky, you’re a grafter. You will spend the rest of your life paying for all the extras while he puts in a half shift and leaves the house like a tip, and gets 50% of the benefit.

Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.

I appreciate that 2 weeks in to a house purchase you don’t want to throw a bomb in the middle of it, but I’d recommend that if you stick it out over the coming weeks or months you develop objectivity when he kicks off or acts lazy. If a friend were in this situation- what would you advise them? When he’s out of order try not to react but try to work out why he is behaving as he is. He has anger issues - bet he can control them in public and at work…but not with you…why is that? Try to confide in someone in real life too, don’t suffer in silence.

I think this is going to cost you money to sort out - but it will be money well spent.

Can't believe a solicitor let you go ahead without ring-fencing your deposit. Do you have an agreement for how much of the house you both own, eg 50:50.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment with the solicitor and ask him the following -
a) who owns what %age of the house
b) can they draw up an agreement on ownership split at this stage

You need to seriously think about breaking up sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it, the more you will have to spend to buy him out.

can you afford the mortgage by yourself ?

Would your lender let you move in a lodger ?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, and you've had some frank and honest advice here which must be a bit of a shock. But this man has moved from boyfriend to aggressive cocklodger at a rapid pace. The next think he'll be resigning from his job to make a go of the 'freelancing' - get your break up in fast and hard.

Lesson for all couples moving in together - rent first, put in same amount of deposit or ring fence yours. Get a legal agreement drawn up which states share of property.

Selling the house right now will be worth every penny to not be trapped with a man accelerating into regular domestic abuse.

I’m sorry OP but he’s a horrible man who’s using you for a meal ticket and a household servant. Any normal person who’d finished work at 1 would think it was their job to at least offer to get food in and cook. My partner and I had the odd argument about this stuff when we moved in together. He didn’t say I was Little Miss Righteous he said ok I see what you mean, and got on with cooking when he was finishing work early and I was late.

I know you’ll feel you’ve sunk a lot of money and time into this relationship but honestly the less time you spend with him the less time you’re wasting. He’s not going to get any nicer unfortunately. I’m so sorry.

Get together every single piece of documentation you have about who contributed what to the house and get out of there.

He is abusive. He was abusive at his parents. He is abusive in your new home. IT will only get worse.

You can’t win this one. He won’t improve. He won’t see that he should do anything that doesn’t suit him and he doesn’t think he has to please you as he’s got you already. He doesn’t like you because you make him feel inadequate. I hope you find the strength to stand up to him.

This. It is very short amount of time. See a solicitor as soon as possible and take everything with you.

He is an angry, cock lodging arsehole. Not to leave would be under reacting.

He talks to you in a sneery mocking that shows a clear disdain. If he thinks you’re self-righteous, condescending, bossy and the ‘queen of everyone beneath you’ then why is he with you? Is he too cowardly to leave? No. He knows he’s got it good. He’s simply trying to ensure that you don’t realise that you can do better than him. He shouts, strops, sulks, throws things and insults you - and you don’t yet have the potential stress / tension of children, maternity leave money worries or him working full time.

I echo everyone else OP. You won't be overreacting. He calls you derogatory names all the time. It hasn't been a one off. He's admitted an anger issue. He is, as has been said, a lazy cock lodger. If he's finishing at 1pm he should be doing a bigger share of the house chores. I bet he doesn't. Did he pull his weight with household stuff when you were living with his mum? If he's ex army he can't say he doesn't know how. I'd get out now, while you can get back as much of your deposit back as possible. Do t leave this for 10 years, when you've paid much more of the mortgage than him and he walks away with half (I'm also betting you're joint tenants rather than tenants in common with you having a bigger share?)

For goodness sake don't marry him, and don't get pregnant and tie yourself to him.

Lets not concentrate on why the deposit is not ring fenced- what is done is done.
You need to get away from him, this will not get better. He calls you miss righteous because he resents you. Do not have children with him - you will be running ragged looking after everyone and everything whilst he will mock you.
Also, you are not lucky or blessed- its called hard work. He says you are lucky to minimise your input into your own success

Kick him out and buy him out, this is a sorry excuse of a man, he will never make you happy because he doesn’t want to…

You would honestly not be overreacting. He's clearly a parasite and abusive. Cut your losses and sell the house. In five years' time, you'll look back and be SO glad you did. I've seen so many hard working friends brought down by lazy and abusive partners. Get out while it's easy.

It’s not about ‘helping’ you, it’s adulting.

he doesn’t sound ready to be an independent adult. This will not end well

sorry, sooner you move about again the better. When you have made a mistake, the best thing to do is accept it and set about undoing it as quickly as possible.

When you look back you will see the truth about this, however uncomfortable it seems now. The faster you rip off the plaster, the better it will be for you.