Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

I have to agree.
It sounds like your bf doesnt even like you, let alone love or respect you.
Talk to him and ask him to leave.
Get ALL of your deposit back (although it may be tricky) actually i cant understand why your solicitor didn't suggest the extra paperwork.
Sell the house and buy one just for you x

Please, please take the advice you've been given here and get away from him. This will never get better.
You've learned a horrible lesson here about not ring fencing the deposit, but you definitely can move on from this and do a lot better than him.

It's not an overreaction. Quite frankly. You've fucked up getting in this with him.

Good men do not throw things. This is abuse. Right? Clear as day, abuse. It's one of the things they ask you about when assessing how abused you are (there's a literal questionnaire and you score points that tells you how.abused you are- very similar to the autism assessments.)

The worst thing you could do is give this man years of your life. MORE money. Tie yourself to him with children.

This will be a financial hit. See if he will be bought out. If not. You will have to sell the house and he will take alot of your money. Not ringfencing your deposit was a bad move. Paying more of the mortgsge when you're joint owners is a bad move. But the longer you stay the more he costs you. You sound young. You'll bounce back. It'll suck for a while but.youll be much better off in the long run.

I'm in my 30s, I left my ex of 10 years with not a penny, no job, no home. 3 years later I'm fine and buying a house. You'll be fine. Not.if you stay though.

I appreciate you not wanting to sell the house but he is only going to get worse from here. The sooner you do it, the easier (relatively speaking) it will be and the easier to reclaim your share of the deposit. As other posters have said, he clearly (and no doubt rightly) thinks you are better than him and he resents the hell out of it. He will chip chip chip chip chip away at your self worth until he thinks you are at your rightful level, which will be well beneath him and he will STILL resent you for ever have been above him in the first place. Been there, done that and can now spot it a mile off 😪

Op of course he’s telling you what you should put in to save himself money. Op you said he said your blessed and lucky sorry how is this when you worked constantly over lockdown and saved hard. I agree with others he will break you get you so low you won’t have the bottle to get out. He won’t see a counsellor he’s telling you what you want to hear. I take it he put 30% deposit he won’t change so you will have to if you want to stay and keep him happy. He’s a loser.

Op put of interest how long were you together before you moved to his town? Was he all sweetness and light.

Is he 50/50 on the deeds of the house or just the proportion that he contributed e.g. 70/30, the lower figure being his % contribution? Do you know what title it's held under, e.g. joint tenants or tenants in common?

These are just issues that you will need for independent legal advice when (not if) you seek that out very soon, right?

I really wish more women would leave at this point, but many don’t. You aren’t married and don’t have any children together, you need to sell the house and get away from this loser.

Time for him to move back to his Mums and you need to seek legal advise asap before he has pays any more into the house.
I’m really surprised no one suggested ring fencing your deposit ☹️
The fact he is being verbally abusive by name calling, throwing things around and not helping is awful. People are usually on their best behaviour at that start of something new, he sounds like an idiot who is liable to take full advantage of you, please don’t have children with him and get out before you get anymore tangled up.
He himself has said he’s an angry person who needs therapy, he needs to be on his own to work on his issues, not drag you down as well.

As someone who has been managing an angry man for the past 17 years, I highly encourage you to leave his relationship, even if it means you lose money.

All very well for people to insist that the OP end the relationship and sell the house but she's not about to do that so it's pointless to keep saying it.

OP a lot of men still have a sense of entitlement over women. They think they're owed a happy little housemaid who is delighted with and grateful about whatever he chooses to offer in terms of household maintenance, even if it's precious little. These stupid creatures don't realise they are selfish, sexist and inadequate. They think women are trying to crush them by having any expectations of them at all...hence his unattractive mantrum.

God knows what I'd advise. I know you're not going to see him off at the moment. Personally I'd be less concerned about the housework and more about the anger. Angry men make very poor partners. Good luck with him.

I'm guessing that he has already got the OP to a state where she's doubting that she can do it all on her own again, and highly doubt that she will do the sensible thing, in spite of all of us advising her to leave him NOW. It's sad, but generally we all seem to have to learn from our own mistakes, and it won't be until she's had a child, and is tied to him for the rest of her life (or at minimum 18 years), that she will realise we were right, and that she could have saved herself and her child, an awful lot of heartache, if only she'd acted when she first posted on Mumsnet!!.

You really don’t have to put up with this nasty behaviour. Don't wreck your life.
There will be someone else out there, should you wish.
Get legal advice, tell him to go home & enjoy life!

@Modernop

you're not giving up on something small, you'd be making a decision that protects future you

the pattern is that it's been increasing over the time you've known each other- now he thinks you are "his" he's showing who he really is

counselling doesn't help in these situations. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Whatever it takes you to get out now, it's cheaper than staying for months/years/decades; google the Sunk Cost Fallacy

You could lose a lot more than money op

My first husband (who was a carbon copy of the OP's guy) said he cheated because I was getting too "womans' libist".
Translation = I spoke up and said I was fed-up with being treated like a "sexual housekeeper" and wanted him to do more about the house and to be more supportive.

I divorced him and next time picked a better model....

Can you afford to take over the mortgage completely? I guess there's no equity yet.

Remember if you took it over you'd jointly save a few thousand on selling costs so in theory he'd be better off too then selling up.

I'd buy him out and pack his bags. He's not good enough for you.

Also on a practical level. Start recording (not literally pressing record, but there are apps for that if you wished) dates of these incidents. You can get orders to protect you in the home, while you get your ducks in a row and get out as much of your funds as you put in.

If you don't go through the legal route he could weaponise this as a route to stay in the home and exploit the situation or grind you down further

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/housing/staying-safely-in-your-home/

the above link is a good start, refuge has a web chat facility

I would reach out to someone you trust IRL. And put your documents in their house x

Op don't despair, yes you have clearly made a mistake so now resolve to get rid. The next time he screams and shouts at you, report to the police that you are fearful of him hurting you.

Get it recorded as abuse and I believe then free legal aid advice would be available to you but check on that.

You need to start planning to end this relationship before he completely undermines your confidence.
Don't leave it.
He's told you who he is so believe him.

You can own this house alone, just take in a lodger or extend the mortgage time period. 💐

@Modernop i stayed way too long in not one but TWO abusive relationships. Don’t be me. Please heed the advice being offered on here, this man will not change for the better, but he might well get a lot worse.

. A fantastic book is Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, it will explain a lot to you if you read it.

Please see a solicitor, check your options. Don’t get pregnant by this man. He doesn’t mean well.

He works 20 hrs? I’d suggest he finds another job & stops being so precious, plenty do jobs they weren’t trained to do.
All that aside he sounds horrible and why oh why didn’t you ring fence, he could get £35k of your very hard earned £

@Modernop I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it must be really sad and stressful for you.

There is loads of good advice on this thread, not one single person has stood up for your boyfriend - think about that.

He doesn't love you or care about your feelings, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't even like you. And he's such a poor specimen of a man that he has to put you down and score points over you to make himself feel big.

He isn't pulling his weight financially, and he isn't doing his share of work around the house. He's got you just where he wants you, using YOUR hard-earned money to provide him with a house and subsidise his part time lifestyle.

At some point you need to acknowledge that you have made a mistake, rectify it and move on. And the longer you leave it it will just get harder (and more expensive).

Good luck!

"highly doubt that she will do the sensible thing, in spite of all of us advising her to leave him NOW"

Tell us about an occasion when you uprooted your entire life...your home, your relationship, your job, on the word of unqualified strangers.

You don't get to be chippy about the OP failing to post from the M6 as she makes her immediate getaway, suitcases on the roof rack.
You don't get to decide whether she's sensible or not. This is her lived, real-time life. YOU be sensible.

I would buy the cocklodger out too - you deserve so much better.

Is his name on the deeds?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP.

The (wise, experienced) vipers are in unison on this.

He is not a good man, you deserve so much more. You really must cut your losses and get out.

You sound really sensible, resilient and hard-working. You will bounce back and one day look back on this as a lucky escape.

Keep posting for support. We've got you.