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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

764 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
EmuEscapeeeee · 10/03/2026 16:14

Why are you only having a 15 minute lunch break ?

Do you not have 30 minutes or 1 hour

What hours do you work ?

edithpi · 10/03/2026 16:15

Little Miss Righteous

Unpick that phrase because it’s all about him.

'Little' meaning he’s bigger than you and more important
‘Miss' meaning you have the status of a girl and he is the Man
‘Righteous' because he can’t take criticism so it must be you being overbearing

Ponderingwindow · 10/03/2026 16:20

This should be the honeymoon period. Maybe a little spat as you learn to merge your lives, but you should not be on your best behavior still. If this is him at his best, imagine what your life is going to be like in 5 or 10 years, possibly with a baby added to the mix.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 10/03/2026 16:21

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

100%

He thinks he as you trapped now, so he'll ramp up.

DreamTheMoors · 10/03/2026 16:23

EmuEscapeeeee · 10/03/2026 16:14

Why are you only having a 15 minute lunch break ?

Do you not have 30 minutes or 1 hour

What hours do you work ?

It takes me 20 minutes just to decide what to take a bite of first:
My sandwich, my crisps or my dessert.

I’m so stressed out lately that I go straight for my dessert.

Sue me.
(Although I DO love a salty crisp on a stressful day…)

Greyhound98 · 10/03/2026 16:27

I sincerely hope you have protected your larger deposit.
don’t have a baby with him. He won’t suddenly have an epiphany and became an equal player with a pleasant nature.
Start making an exit plan, even if it means a financial loss.

pinkyredrose · 10/03/2026 16:28

Why did you buy a house with someone that hates you? Did you ring-fence your deposit?

Enrichetta · 10/03/2026 16:31

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 10/03/2026 08:05

You did nothing wrong. In my experience though, if you wait until you are calm, he is ready to talk and give guys notice to do these things you might get a better response. Guys generally need time to do stuff/change their habits. Most of them are very sensitive to criticism from women too and for them they think it comes out of the blue (it doesn't). They actually want women to be happy and get upset/angry when they're not or if they're not expecting sudden criticism. It feels like an attack. If the guy loves you he will take what you're saying seriously when you talk to him about it and make changes

😳

BaffledAndBemusedToo · 10/03/2026 17:02

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This. Very much this.

halftermhalfawake · 10/03/2026 17:40

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 10/03/2026 08:05

You did nothing wrong. In my experience though, if you wait until you are calm, he is ready to talk and give guys notice to do these things you might get a better response. Guys generally need time to do stuff/change their habits. Most of them are very sensitive to criticism from women too and for them they think it comes out of the blue (it doesn't). They actually want women to be happy and get upset/angry when they're not or if they're not expecting sudden criticism. It feels like an attack. If the guy loves you he will take what you're saying seriously when you talk to him about it and make changes

what in the patriarchy is this

no one gives women notice, we just get on with stuff, because we have eyes and can tell the time, we know that the dinner/laundry/chores need to be done, no one waits for us to be in a good mood, in fact no one gives a shit unless we're being assertive and then we get labelled difficult,

Men get angry when women are unhappy, or sudden criticism (!) . Riiiiight. So that's fine then.

KirstieKaren · 10/03/2026 17:44

It won’t get better OP. Two weeks in you’re supposed to be in a little new home bubble. If he can behave like this now I dread to think what he’ll be like further down the road

Theyreeatingthedogs · 10/03/2026 17:50

LTB.

KatyKopykat · 10/03/2026 17:56

edithpi · 10/03/2026 16:15

Little Miss Righteous

Unpick that phrase because it’s all about him.

'Little' meaning he’s bigger than you and more important
‘Miss' meaning you have the status of a girl and he is the Man
‘Righteous' because he can’t take criticism so it must be you being overbearing

Even Mr Men books were sexist in this sense.

Original poster
Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

OP posts:
DeQuin · 10/03/2026 18:21

Selling the house is not an overreaction. Have a read of the relationships board. You will be able to own property but this man will drain you financially and emotionally or worse. Sending a hand hold.

KaleQueen · 10/03/2026 18:21

My angry abusive ex was also ex army. The similarities are shocking. He eventually turned very nasty and i seriously thought he could have killed me one day - I once said this to him. He said ‘I could yes but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do time for something as worthless as you’
Honestly so many alarm bells. Please seriously take the advice you’re being given here by wise and experienced women.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 10/03/2026 18:23

He thinks you think you’re better than him. He will systematically tear you down until he’s sure your self esteem is broken. It’s symptom of his lo self worth.

I am sorry OP. This won’t end well and at least he will steal half of your deposit.

Rhaidimiddim · 10/03/2026 18:25

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

Cut your losses, see a solicitor while all the paperwork is still fresh, get as much of your deposit back as you can and move on from this abusive, spoiled man-child. Before he starts hitting you

Edited to add: from the things he's said, it is obvious that he despises you. I am so very sorry.

edithpi · 10/03/2026 18:27

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

The fact you are upset and trying to justify what was a very reasonable request (do your share) is telling me you need to get out now. He is already under your skin making you feel like you are in the wrong. He is manipulative and he knows how to make you feel bad. And he has done so.

Please leave him.

BellesAndGraces · 10/03/2026 18:27

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

Do your future self a favour and sell the house. If you do it as quickly as possible you should be able to get the equity you put in back as you will be able to clearly show what you put in. He might try to push back but a clear solicitors letter will put him back in his box. It will be harder to argue this if you don’t act quickly.

Don’t stress about feeling a failure or what other people will say. It’s your life and you o only get the one. Don’t waste it on someone like you BF.

BloominNora · 10/03/2026 18:29

Modernop · 10/03/2026 18:18

Have been working sorry. To answer a few questions:

  1. deposit is not ringed fenced
  2. I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
  3. I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
  4. he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do. I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
  5. he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
  6. there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling
  7. he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after

I’m really sad, and I feel stuck. The “little miss righteous” comment hits a nerve so much, because I’m not trying to be right, I’m trying to ask for support. He sure this often whenever I point anything out. Even if I say “please don’t shout” he’ll say it. It’s so hurtful. Along with “queen of everyone beneath her” and “lady modernop”.

im not far from friends and family but i have noone here. If I sold the house over this id feel like im overreacting. We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home.

You would absolutely not be over reacting. This man has all the hallmarks of an abuser!

It is positive that he has recognised that he needs counselling- the question is whether he will follow through and actually go.

Please go and see a solicitor to see if you can get your deposit ringfenced and speak to your mortgage company about whether you could buy him out and take on the full mortgage.

When you have all of the facts sit him down and lay it out. Either he sorts his attitude out and goes for counselling or you split and you either buy him out or sell the place.

If the solicitor says you can get your deposit protected, do that, regardless of whether he agrees to get his act together.

And stop doing anything for him - he can do his own bloody washing, cooking and shopping!

raisinglittlepeople12 · 10/03/2026 18:30

Seriously, he’s showing you who he is and what life will be like living with him. Life is way too short to put up with a partner like that. He sounds like a child.

JustMyView13 · 10/03/2026 18:30

I genuinely think the best thing you can do, is get some paid for legal advice. It’s so recent, you’ll have receipts for everything. I think not all hope is lost in terms of unpicking this.
He’s not going to get better. This is as good as it gets. We all make mistakes. Is this an expensive one? Maybe. But better now than in the future.

edithpi · 10/03/2026 18:30

raisinglittlepeople12 · 10/03/2026 18:30

Seriously, he’s showing you who he is and what life will be like living with him. Life is way too short to put up with a partner like that. He sounds like a child.

He sounds abusive and manipulative.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/03/2026 18:31

deposit is not ringed fenced
oh dear, why not ?! Did your solicitor not give you any advice ?

I earn more than boyfriend. He said it was fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more, maybe £800 a month.
oh dear oh dear oh dear you found yourself a cock lodger

I’ve saved a lot of money over the years as I’m frugal. I worked 60 hour weeks as a HCA in lockdown and saved up all the overtime money over 2 years. I have a lot of money behind me, but it’s all self earned. Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”

no that is not blessed or lucky, that was the result of hard work
did you never call him out on his language to you

he works part time as this is the only job he could find that he is trained to do.
how hard did he try ?
is he still trying
or did he make up his mind early he was going to be a cock lodger !

I’ve asked him whether he’d consider doing a similar job 9-5 but he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance
ha ! of course he does !

he suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50)
I bet he did !
but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
and is that happening ? or are you still to find out as you only moved in a couple of weeks ago

there was some behaviour like slamming doors, throwing items (not at me) when we lived with his parent, but he said this was due to stress. It was occasional, and he has admitted himself that he’s an angry person who needs counselling

when is he starting the counselling ?!!!
or is it just an excuse

he has lived away from home before, he was in the army from 20-25. Was medically discharged and went to uni after
so he knows how to ( cook ? ) sew / clean shoes / iron clothes etc. so I hope he does it now ?!

' We bought a house because i didn’t want to waste money on rent. I’ve always wanted my own home. '

why didn't you buy a property by yourself ?
you didn't need him to do so !

What are you going to do now ?