Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Do not under any circumstances have a baby with this man

Leave him now

You are not married and there are no children - honestly, and I don't say this lightly, but I would be walking away. Sell the house or buy him out. It is too much, too toxic and aggressive too soon. It sounds like the start of an abusive relationship, he's already training you how to behave - i.e. not to ask him for anything, I also suspect that he resents you or something about you - the little miss perfect comment speaks volumes. I think you will probably stay with him, but I really hope that you don't - because it won't end well.

I can’t relate, my hobbies are outdoor and animal focused. I think it’s weird and a waste of time. We aren’t going to see eye so there’s no point in discussing further. Good luck with the gaming ✌️

Putting up a bathroom shelf . Once

Washing up . 365 times a year.

Yes, very equitable tasks.

Ironically this poster is on another thread saying Muslim women are repressed.

You have an adult baby, either you accept it, or you dump him. He isn’t capable of change, it’s not in his DNA and I’m guessing his mum did everything for him.

So OP i hope you've ring fenced your deposit and ensured finances are generally clearly divided.
Assuming you want to stay with this man (not sure I would but anyway), you need tonhave a proper grown up conversation with him to say "if we are to stay together then we need to reset a bit about what it takes to run a household. There are household tasks that are one offs (putting a lamp up) and there are regular tasks (laundry, cleaning). I want to live in a clean and tidy house and I assume you do to. So we need to divide the regular tasks and you need to do your fair share and I dont want to nag you or be accused of being self righteous. So what works for you to ensure that we split the household tasks fairly? How do you see this working?"

@Modernop please listen to people telling you to leave this man.
Him not doing his equal and fair share is bad enough. I've seen friends deal with this. If he won't do his share around the house, he certainly won't do his share if you have children together.
BUT, what struck me even more than that is how abusive and aggressive this man sounds. This is a clear red flag. As someone who has left an abusive marriage and experienced similar to you when we bought a house together, please leave. It does not get better. The abusive and agression get worse! Don't live your life walking on egg shells!
We bought a house at the end of 2007. The housing crisis and financial crisis happened soon after that. I realised I was in an extremely toxic environment but I felt I couldn't leave because we were then going to be in negative equity and I believed who would change especially if I allowed him to do what he wanted to avoid arguments. 20 years later, I can honestly say I wish I'd left and sold the house.
It might feel hard at the moment, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them!
The swearing at you and throwing things around is not normal behaviour. It's a sign of things to come.
Wishing you the best of luck x

Please, please, please, get out, I'm too old now and worn down to change my life, but you're not, (I could be wrong but you sound young) he's a horrible controlling twat, who's training you up to behave, get the fuck out now.
It's like the boiling frog analogy otherwise, you don't realise you're being manipulated and controlled because you're being fed it in small increments, and gaslit to make you feel mad, until eventually you comply and behave, if I saw my daughter in this situation I'd go ballistic, and I wish my own mother had helped me, but to all intents it can look normal, just little arguments etc., it's not op, get out, lock up push the key through and piss off back to a nice life and future with you and only you in control.

Leave.

So sorry OP, but this man is abusive. Belittling you for asking him to help out, giving you the silent treatment because you dared to call him out on the fact he wasn’t pulling his weight. Please ignore all the posters who are essentially blaming you for having chosen him and/or not seeing your own value. I’m not sure how they ever think it’s going to help, or if it’s just something they do to make themselves sound better than you, but it’s potentially just as damaging as what your boyfriend is doing. You don’t need to blame yourself. He is the bad guy here and I would do whatever it takes to get away from him!

Well having spent too much time thinking about you when I did my food shopping I will hazard a guess that this man would become much worse if you got pregnant. I worked with DV survivors for a while through voluntary work and it’s a common pattern.

You have one life op, we all make some mistakes along the way and have to live with them but this has the makings of a situation that would dictate an awful pattern for your whole life.

Which they are.

Can you afford to buy out his 30% and cover the mortage?

And so is she. Oppressed more like.

They are not allowed to show their feelings or emotions so yes repressed

I hope your deposit is protected properly. Don't plan the future with him, look at how quickly you can get out of this relationship and the financial situation you're in. He won't change, he's very clearly told you who he is, an unpleasant shirker who can't cope without his mummy.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.
Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.
When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.

For a start stop being "mum" in the house. Fancy something to eat make it for yourself. Need clean clothes , wash your own. You're not his mother, stop being mummy. Pile his shite in the corner, live with the mess until he cops the fuck on. Somehow you've been trained to be housewife and you need to untrain yourself.

I say this once, and I mean it wholeheartedly.

You would have such a great life being single.

@Modernop This is not irretrievable OP although I totally get why you are upset. No matter how ready you both felt about this move, its always way more challenging than you expect.....and that is the thing, its about expectations.

You can't assume what each others expectations are on a level playing field, you need to ask. You are tellling him off for having different priorities to you and he feels got at and feels you are being unfair. Maybe your partner has way underestimated the responsibilities of being a homeowner, or maybe he is just lazy. How do you know?

What you need to do is lay out the boundaries, you are his partner, you SHARE responsibilities, you are not his Mommy! There will be things you do or don't do that will annoy him too. These are new challenges you only face when living on your own together as previously there were other persons involved.

Take a deep breath, have a think about what you want it to look like and ask him to do the same and come up with a plan, TOGETHER, with mutually agreed outcomes. See this as a joint endeavour for the sake of each other, not to score points.

If he then still continues to avoid it, you have a very valid argument as he did agree to it and THEN we can talk about red flags etc. At the moment you both seem to have different expectations and that is where you need to begin to find a resolution - align expectations as its a win/win for you both and then there are no misunderstandings.

Can I also ask are you joint tenants or tenants in common, as it sounds like you are taking the main financial hit here and you need to protect yourself.

What’s good about him/the relationship?

Do you think it’s a good idea moving in with someone who always calls you little miss righteous?? He sounds like a selfish, lazy, immature man-baby.

Does he usually do 50% of the household chores and cooking?

Why doesn’t he work FT?

i really hope you have your deposit ring-fenced.

This.

PS his behaviour - sulking for days - is coercively controlling, and illegal.

At the risk of appearing like the “mutual approval team” with OriginalUsername2 - and I DO agree with EVERYTHING she’s said, one thing stands out:

”This won’t get better.”

Truer words have never been spoken, @Modernop and I hope you’re listening.
I truly hope you’re listening.

Sending love from across an ocean ❤️