Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Thank the lord you're not married.

Get legal advice and get him out

Or they're at work and haven't had tine to reply considering they work 8-6.

Little Miss Righteous is such a vile way to respond to perfectly reasonable expectations of a grown adult. He sounds like a brat whose mum has done everything for him and now he’s living with you he expects you to pick up all of the responsibility of working long hours, saving properly, cleaning etc so he can work part time and enjoy his leisure time. Selfish, petulant prat. Honestly op, I’d end it. The joint mortgage is an issue but I’ve split with an ex where we had a new mortgage. I scrimped to pay it myself for a year then sold it. I met my husband 18 months later. Don’t let fear of the unknown or selling up keep you with an absolute loser. It will get harder the longer it goes on.

He's training you not to ask him in future. Sorry but he's not a keeper.

The problem here isn’t him not pulling his weight, it’s his reaction when he was called out on it. Gaslighting basically; turning it back on OP and making out she’s the one at fault. What a prize dickhead.

He works four hours a day and doesn’t cook or clean AND you put in 70% of the deposit?
Well, he saw you coming didn’t he!

One of the (many) reasons I live alone is that nobody shouts at me in MY house, nobody makes me cry in MY house. I really don't think that it is too much to ask for.
You have paid 70% of the deposit, and are doing 90% of the work- and he talks to you like THAT???

Get out.

Please, I beg you, dump the motormouth, brainless baby and tell him to go back to his dummy and crayons, and that you WILL NOT put up with his childish, stupid and selfish tantrums and having you in tears.

His attitude towards you as his partner is appalling, he thinks that because you're a woman, then its 100% your job to do all the cooking and cleaning.

Tell him you're his parner not his domestic skivvy, not a slave, and just one more aggressive tantrum, you'll move out and refuse point-blank to have anything more to do with him.

This is a massive red flag; you've only been living together for a few days, and his behaviour toward you is already controlling, manipulative, frightening and extremely sexist and childish.

Shouting and tantrums one minute, fists the next.

.

Truly, walking on eggshells is not how you want to live your life. There will be other disagreements and it's tremendously tiring dealing with someone who can't discuss things calmly and rationally and instead speaks to you like that, perhaps behaves aggressively and gives you the silent treatment. You may think you can change him and you can make him see sense: more than likely you won't. Get out now - life is too short.

OP you know you shouldn't have to feel like this. I'd start off by waiting a day or two until things cool down and trying to have a reasonable, rational conversation. You're sorry you spoke to him in a snappy tone. But calling you righteous is unfair when you were just trying to get the house sorted and clean which is necessary work. You both need to be able to discuss these things and agree a way of working together to resolve things. What would he like to put forward as his preference for how you can agree a division of labour?

If he throws his toys out of the pram again and behaves badly I'm afraid I agree with PPs that it will only get worse and you should think about leaving. This should be the best bit - you've moved in, you're building your new home together. How will he behave when the roof has a major leak and you need to agree how you find money you both don't have? What will he say when you are flooded and both have to work together to deal with insurance companies and clear the mess out? How will he respond when you need to clear the attic out together because you need more space for a growing family? Or if you're ill and you can't clean and tidy the house for imminent visitors? You need to decide if you are willing to be the only person rowing the boat forever, and being battered in the back of the head by DP's oar every now and again. If you can't live that way then quite frankly it is better to decide that now than one, two, or ten years down the line. My advice is have the above conversation, if that doesn't work then work on splitting with one person buying the other one out and getting a lodger to help pay the bills.

Welcome to the world of living with a 'man' - you now start doing all the things their mummies used to do for them while they play
If you want to stay with him, you need to lay some rules down

Leave. Find someone caring and helpful. You want to be a team, it'll get worse when you have children, you'll end up carrying the load. Escape now.

"Little miss righteous" is a really mean thing to say. Don't waste your years on someone who doesn't truly like you.

Sorry, did you say boyfriend or your 13 year old child?

I lost my temper with my husband a few weeks back for never tidying away empty cans and drink bottles. He'd left some on the coffee table for days, I left them there hoping he would remove them, he didn't, I needed the coffee table, so I moved them to by the sink, and thought he might deal with them from there. He didn't. I was getting ready to walk the dog having already cooked and done other housework and said a bit stroppily would you please deal with your rubbish. He went in a massive strop got really annoyed slammed them all into the main bin when they are meant to be recycled, I said why are you putting them in the main bin? He said why can't you deal with it, I got really angry started crying and said, because I already do everything and I'm sick of it and stormed off to walk the dog, crying in the rain!

When I got back, things were civil and I noticed he'd moved the bottles to the recycling and for the last few weeks he's done loads more at home, with tidying his rubbish away and lots of other things.

He's a wonderful hardworking man, but so many men either consciously or subconsciously seem to expect women to do most of the housework, even the wonderful ones, it's always going to crop up in my relationship (my Dad however wasn't like this).

However, for him to act this badly this early on, with no kids yet, it does not bode well. My husband and I were way way more equal before kids, and as newly moved in together couple, in fact it possibly did a bit more than me in terms of cooking and tidying, it was fun times of staring our new life together and who does what and caring for our new home..

Oh dear.

Dump. Definitely don't have kids with.

Don't blame yourself. He is being deliberately awful to teach you not to ask him to do stuff in future. This one is a BAD apple and the rest of your life will be like this if you don't nip it in the bud now, preferably by dumping him.

Exactly this. He thought moving in together would see you transition to essentially being his mother. Nip it right in the bud immediately or get rid of him, before this becomes your life for the next 40 years. I promise it'll take less time than you think for you to adopt the "anything for a quiet life" approach and find yourself as his unpaid skivvy.

Oh, the tone remark! It's an infamous one, they'd always pull this one when they're uncomfortable, lazy and careless but have no arguments to back this up.
Are you sure you want to continue living with him or, better yet, being together?

You need to sit down and decide who’s doing what and when, a rota. Nobody likes being told what to do. He’s reaction is concerning though

"Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago."

Why? He is a dick.

I always remember reading a meme about 'least attractive hobbies a man can have' and gaming was top.

Be very brave and end it now.

Please don’t kid yourself that if you did X he’d be nicer to you. That NEVER works.

Don’t waste your life on this loser. Get out now. The money doesn’t matter and is a small price to pay for your freedom.

So he was doing jobs and you were doing jobs ?

and you have different ideas of clean and tidy ?

you don’t sound compatible if that’s how you are communicating at this stage in your relationship!

Sorry OP, this is another one saying 'dump him'. Your are only two weeks in at your first house and he should be on his absolute best behaviour. If this is all he's got at this stage, what is the absolute worst behaviour going to look like? Money can be regained/saved/made again, your one precious life cannot. Don't waste it on him.