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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

764 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Theroadt · 10/03/2026 07:33

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This 100%.

Solost92 · 10/03/2026 07:36

You're going to have to buy him out and get a lodger. Not really much else you can do.

You're his new mummy.

RaspberryRipple3 · 10/03/2026 07:36

trumpisvomitous · 09/03/2026 22:20

Hey, stop with the victim blaming please.
Yes OP has been naïve but she is not the aggressor here. Lets try and help her.

Not every criticism is victim blaming. Sometimes people need to take responsibility for decisions they make and accountability for their own actions. Red flags were ignored and now OP is lumbered with this pathetic man baby. She isn’t a victim.

OP, think about whether you think this behaviour is out of character for him. If you recognise there is a pattern of talking to you in an unpleasant way then it’s not going to get better. When you both lived with his mum, did he pull his weight? If the answer is yes there is a pattern to the way he speaks to me, and/or he expected his mum to cater to his every whim and did everything around the house for him, then you need to think carefully about what the future will look like with him and decide whether you’re happy being the person who does everything whilst your partner games and strops.

Theroadt · 10/03/2026 07:36

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Never pay more than 50% unless you have it in a signed and witnessed agreement as to the additional %. He’s taking you for a massive ride here - why dudn’t he work afternoons so he could pay his full share? So sorry you’re going through this

Mookie81 · 10/03/2026 07:39

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

And you still bought a house with him, and paid almost 3 quarters of it. Hmm
When will women learn??!!

KimberleyClark · 10/03/2026 07:40

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

He works part time yet you do everything and you paid 70% of the mortgage? He saw you coming OP. I’m so sorry.

catipuss · 10/03/2026 07:48

Get out while you still can, this is the honeymoon period if he's like that now imagine what he will be like in 5 years time. Selfish, lazy, prioritises his gaming, doesn't care if you are upset and petulant, does he have any good points?

Fedupoftheshits · 10/03/2026 07:48

Oblivionnnnn · 09/03/2026 21:43

Two weeks in???

Nah.

Spend just five minutes on the Relationships board and look at the dozens of daily threads from women who are miserable and married to useless unpleasant cunts.

Dont become one of them; you have a choice now.

This post nails it OP. The arsehole has shown you his true colours and I doubt this will be a one off.

I would make plans to get out of the relationship before you end up in too deep.

MrsStarskie · 10/03/2026 07:49

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This does seem a reasonable reading of what you posted OP.

Snaletrale · 10/03/2026 07:49

Well you need to come to some sort of compromise you are both happy with, that’s maintainable for the future. If you can’t then bail as early as you can. Could you manage with a lodger?

There will always be teething problems when two people are learning to live together, but rudeness and disrespect shouldn’t happen.

ChristmasFluff · 10/03/2026 07:52

This is him leading into a fully abusive relationship now he thinks you are 'trapped' by the house.

Leave. Get the house on the market. Do not try to 'compromise' because that way leads to more abuse and it will only ever be you doing the 'compromising'.

JH0404 · 10/03/2026 07:57

There is something not right and very childish about adults into gaming. This would be enough on its own. He is only interested in himself.

Zimunya · 10/03/2026 08:05

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

@wanttoworkbut has absolutely hit the nail on the head here. As you are not in the sort of relationship where partners will actively look for tasks to complete to take the load off the other person, you need to set out a roster. Have a calm discussion about who is going to be responsible for what, set up the roster, and stick to it.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 10/03/2026 08:05

You did nothing wrong. In my experience though, if you wait until you are calm, he is ready to talk and give guys notice to do these things you might get a better response. Guys generally need time to do stuff/change their habits. Most of them are very sensitive to criticism from women too and for them they think it comes out of the blue (it doesn't). They actually want women to be happy and get upset/angry when they're not or if they're not expecting sudden criticism. It feels like an attack. If the guy loves you he will take what you're saying seriously when you talk to him about it and make changes

Imdunfer · 10/03/2026 08:05

If he only works part time is he paying his share of the bills, or are you financing him ongoing as well as having bought a house for him by paying more than twice what he has towards the deposit?

Who has paid for all the stuff moving into a first house needs?

Littlejellyuk · 10/03/2026 08:13

Forthesteps · 09/03/2026 21:35

Dump him.

This 👆 💯 👏

That's not a caring boyfriend, but an immature surrogate son. 😤
He wants a mummy to look after him, not a missus to have a partnership 🤢
Sack him off, as he's done you a favour and showed you his true colours early 😡
@Modernop

feelingfree17 · 10/03/2026 08:15

Please, please, please listen to all this advice. You need to leave. Things will never improve. He sees you as a replacement mother and is “training” you to never ask for help or support. That is a huge burden to carry through life. Illness and children will be yours to cope with on your own, as the man child strops, games and runs off to his mothers. He will never ever self reflect, and is already blaming you for “using the wrong tone”. You need to leave

focused1 · 10/03/2026 08:18

Monitor the anger and if this carries on consider whether you can tolerate this. My son clung onto a girlfriend for over a year , unhappy and perplexed. He is happier now without her .

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/03/2026 08:22

Ugh, and this is after two weeks? He is showing you who he is. Preferably dump him now - it will save you time and upset later. Defo don’t marry this one or, god forbid, get pregnant by him (unless you really do want to be his mother..)

Naunet · 10/03/2026 08:22

Bearbookagainandagain · 10/03/2026 05:23

Actually I'm going to stick to my respectful grown up relationship, where we communicate with each other, thanks.

Like OP, you also should consider how your tone impact the message you're trying to carry across.

She's his partner, not his fucking mother. He should be pulling his weight without anyone asking him, because hes meant to be an adult and knows he works less hours than her. If he's going to force her to have to ask him to act like a functioning adult, then shes likely to have a 'tone'.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 10/03/2026 08:25

JH0404 · 10/03/2026 07:57

There is something not right and very childish about adults into gaming. This would be enough on its own. He is only interested in himself.

Oh be quiet with that crap.

Im a gamer, I play most days, have done all my life at 44, but im still fully capable of running a household, doing the chores, caring for my disabled son, and feeding everyone 3 meals a day.

Gaming is a perfectly valid and fulfilling hobby. The problem is him being fucking lazy, not that he plays games.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/03/2026 08:30

I suspect, sadly, that OP has not come back to the thread because she is overwhelmed with all the LTB posters have quite rightly been advising. She will have thought she’d get advice on how to make him nicer to her and want to pull his weight.

OP, your bed is not yet made, you DO NOT have to lie in it.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 10/03/2026 08:30

Pistachiocake · 09/03/2026 23:09

Wish people would stop saying his mother! He presumably had two parents. And it's not his mum's job to look after him now.

It won't have been his father washing his clothes, cleaning the house and cooking his meals though.. not with his attitude, his dad is probably also a lazy prick who let's his wife do it all.. mind you, bet his dad had a full time job.

Squirreleeee · 10/03/2026 08:32

This will only get worse. I promise you. Don't waste another second of your life. Get rid while it's easy, be free and enjoy your life.

Pokko · 10/03/2026 08:34

So you have paid 70% of a deposit to move in with a highly nasty, abusive, lazy gaming arsehole.

He's training you to not ask anything of you.
He's training you to accept he is a lazy arse.

You moved away from your hometown for this?

This is abuse.
He is abusing you.

You have made a huge mistake.

You need to get out of this relationship asap.

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