Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Yep. He's training you not to criticise him even the teeniest tiniest bit. Pity you moved in together. Now you know what it's going to be like, I hope you have the wherewithal to move right back out again.

This after two weeks?? Oh he’s going to get so much worse. Borrow the money from whoever you can to buy him out and kick him out.

Run.

@Modernop I'm not going to WTF at you again. I'm going to say what I wish someone had said to me when I moved in with my ExH at 20 years old, and knew id made a mistake, and instead of moving back out, stayed, for 17 years because i couldn't swallow my own pride and admit it to anyone, i thought id made my bed and had to lie in it...and it NEVER got better.

Its ok to admit you made a mistake.
It CAN be undone.
It is NOT too late to change things.
You are NOT stuck in this situation.
You do not have to stay in this relationship.
You deserve Love, Respect, and to feel safe and at peace in your own home.

He does, he avoids taking any responsibility for anything and makes you feel that everything is your problem. It’s cruel, disrespectful, and demeaning and honestly, you are
worth so much more.

I hope you find a way to either give him the shock of his life so that he pulls his socks up (unlikely, as he doesn’t respect you) or just extract yourself from the relationship and go on to live your best life without him. You do not need him or this horrible energy that he’s bringing.

Lucky his mum lives so close isn’t it. You can return him to the breeder, like a puppy, so she can remedy the poor initial house training she gave him.

Classic DARVO. Dump him.

Run

Why did you buy a house with him when you already weren't working as a couple?

They saying men are from Mars……. Is so true. It’s not built in most men to do cleaning etc. there is no point in us trying to feminise them. As long as they do the heavy stuff, work and DIY then I’m afraid we need to just put up with it. I’ve never heard a man saying women don’t do enough DIY around the house

This is the absolute best this relationship is going to be.
Is this the life you want?

Honestly OP, it doesn't sound as if you're at all compatible (or even were before you bought).
Id seriously look into how you're going to get out of this relationship re selling/buying him out etc. Can you afford the bills on your own?
If that is not an option then you really need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about expectations re living together, who is responsible for each chore etc
Good luck OP XX

I don't think you want the same things in life, sadly.

Oh dear - did you protect your deposit @Modernop? If not I would get an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in property purchase and ownership ASAP and discuss your options.

Can you afford to buy him out and pay the mortgage on your own? Even if it would be tight?

You could rent out a room to a lodger under the share a room scheme for £625 a month without having to pay tax: https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

I would sort out where you stand legally and financially and then have a conversation with him about how his attitude is completely unacceptable (with someone there or close by as back up if you feel unsafe - your use of the word 'rage' worried me).

If he refuses to discuss or change his ways then get rid of him because this early on that is an enormous red flag!

Buying or moving into your own first home is supposed to be a happy and exciting time - you should be bickering over paint charts and scatter cushions, not sitting in the bathroom in tears.

Please don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Even if it will lose you money in the short term it will cost you so much more in the long term in terms of finances and your mental health to stay with this man. Get out of this relationship. I don’t say this lightly.

Get some counselling if you can’t do it without help. But please leave this abusive man. Also do the Freedom Program and ring the National Domestic Abuse helpline. Because this man is abusing you even if he’s not punching you in the face.

He's a manchild. They say you never really know someone until you live with them. You should have rented before buying together. Even if you just got a six month tenancy. Has he always lived with mummy who did everything for him?

What absolute sexist bollocks - DH and I bought our own place at 19 - he was used to his mom doing everything for him but he has always pulled his weight in terms of cleaning and cooking and I have done my fair share of DIY and gardening! In fact he does all of the cooking these days and most of the laundry.

He hasn't been even remotely feminised - in fact he is very secure in his masculinity - much more so than all the Andrew Tait types who seem to think that picking up a duster will somehow cause them to become a woman!

We see each other as equals and he does not subscribe to gender stereotypical bullshit of some jobs being feminine and some masculine and he has no pride issues about me being the higher earner.

There are only two 'jobs' that are 100% feminine - carry a child through pregnancy and breastfeeding. There is no other household task that is made harder or impossible because someone has a penis!

The only reason it is 'built' into most men is because that is how their parents have raised them - it has absolutely nothing to do with biology.

OP's not coming back, is she? ☹️

Nice of you to come all the way back into the twenty-first century to enlighten us, @Labelledelune, but, although, yes, the division of labour in households and the disproportionate loads women have to take on is still an issue, my former place of work changed cleaning companies, who used mostly male cleaners who revolutionized the place, competent, professional, and leaving the place immaculate. Unlike the stroppy and indifferent female cleaners we had previous. My late partner just acknowledged the cleaning had to be done and got on with the not too difficult or complex business of taking a brush, sponge and cleaning product into his two hands and giving the bathroom a good scrub down while I got on with the kitchen. As have the male partners of my friends who had a designated allocation of cleaning tasks at a set time of the week, agreed in an adult way beforehand, just as a normal part of running a normal household.

She posted at 9:55 last night and says she works 8 - 6. She's probably just working after crashing out last night!

I hope she's OK

Fuck that. You are obviously not being unreasonable. If he’s acting like that during the honeymoon period, how will he be further down the line?!

I’d move out if I were you, life’s too short to start house retraining this child bf; the way his own mother should have.

Whatever you lose money wise by leaving him now is far better than all the emotional damage this lad is going to cause you if you stay with him.

Maybe he can change, but he is going to have to do a lot of maturing from a very low starting point.

Value yourself, trust yourself, move on. Have a grown up conversation with him and if he doesn’t get it you have permission to say ‘nope, this isn’t working for me after all, thanks and bye’. It’s ok to make a mistake, don’t make a bigger one thinking you have to stick with it.

Well that escalated quickly. Have you lived together before?!

I'd get out now and cut my losses. See it as an (expensive) lesson learned. There's absolutely no way he will change so you can pay for this now financially and get out with a moderate amount of stress or you can pay for it later financially, emotionally, physically (stress is very damaging).