Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

I hope you took legal steps to protect your deposit.

I agree with everyone else. This behaviour is not a good sign. I had one that refused to behave like an adult when we moved in. The situation was much more simple than yours. It was a just a trial run before moving in permanently.

One example was his reluctance to contribute financially. I had to ask him every time for his share and he made a god awful fuss about handing it over. One time he stood over me on the couch and dropped £20 notes on my head one at a time, while dramatically counting it out loud. Prick.

I booted him out after that. Couldn't be arsed with that nonsense. He was shocked but there was nothing he could do about it. I told him that if this was how it was going to be living together then it wasn't going to happen.

Leave. He won't change. He thinks you are his mum, that it's your job to care for him and that he can just sit around on his arse doing the bare minimum. If you want to live like that for the rest of your life, carry on. If not leave before you can't .
Edited to say he leaves having seen your further post.

This! Run for the hills!

"Righteous describes a person, action, or decision that is morally justifiable, virtuous, and upright, often aligned with divine law or a high standard of justice. It signifies freedom from guilt or sin. Common synonyms include honourable, ethical, and honest, while related concepts include righteous indignation"

If righteous is the worst insult he can come up with, you need to wear it like a badge of honour.

You sound lovely, hard working and you deserve so much better - as PPs have said, boot him out, find a lodger. Sign any correspondence from "Little Miss Righteous" (unless it's a legal doc of course 😉).

You can start calling him Mr Lazy Parasite back.

This with giant bells on.

I married someone like this because I didn't know what they were really like ( they had a job that took them away for long periods). Then he changed his job and was home more.
I finally saw him clearly and spoke up, and I got all the sulking, stone walling and entitled behaviour.
I didn't back down and eventually he had an affair so I was able to divorce him.

I would advise you to cut your losses now - it won't improve,

I'm sorry x

Is this really how you want to spend your life?
Do not be his maid.
If he worked until 1pm he should have done literally everything, not gaming.
Don't wash your time. Money is something you can make more of, but you'll only loose time with this looser.

This is great advice

Oh god. He's awful.

I can't imagine why you wanted to buy a house with him?! 🤦

Please tell me your 70% deposit is ring fenced and you're on the strongest contraception in the land. 😔

At only two weeks your relationship won't survive living together. Sorry but he not the right one for you

Oh my lovely, you have a man-child. He's gone from living at home, where no doubt his Mum did everything, to living with you. He expects you to take over from where his Mum left off.

He finishes work at 1 pm, and then expects to sit on his arse, when you don't finish until 6 pm. No no no, that's not how it works. You both own the house, therefore he's 50% responsible for the running of it, and that means not just bills but chores too.

You are going to need to sit and have a calm conversation with him. I had a boyfriend like this, but thankfully we never bought, the property was rented. He was exactly the same, thought I was an extension of his Mother, and was going to run around after him.

From my perspective, it never got any better, no matter how many conversations we had. He was immature and simply wasn't responsible enough to live with a girlfriend. We split in the end.

Please, please tell me that you protected that deposit?

Get the hell out of the relationship. If he’s like this when you’ve just moved in (when it should be the honeymoon phase), he’s only going to get worse. This a classic never had children with him situation.

Do not have children with this man

It will not improve

Sorry OP, but you’ve just set up home with a spoiled brat whose mummy used to wait on hand and foot to the point of wiping his arse for him……..and he now expects you to do the same!
My advice????? Get out now! Do not stay with this pathetic article and do not consider marriage!

Makes me so sad to read this after all the positivity of international woman’s day. Why are young women still saddling themselves with these oxygen thieves.

The only good way out of this is you find a way to give him his 30% deposit back and get in the him fuck out of your house.

Good luck, I hope you find a way to see, before it’s too late, that the path youre on with this man leads to nothing but misery.

Huge red flag. Please please prioritise yourself. Nothing is ever too late to change. Even if you've bought your flat. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Think to yourself, would you treat him like he treats you? He has shown you who he is. Believe him. It's not too late, please don't start to build a life with this guy. He won't change. Good luck x

Ah yes the death knell for any relationship: bickering over chores.

There are multiple things that jump out at me.

1. your post involves you listing what you have done round the house and how long you’ve worked vs what he has done and how long he worked. This tells me you are already feeling resentment at the way you each prioritise what needs doing and how you each choose to spend your time. There is nothing more insidious than the slow drip of daily resentment if this carries on day to day. This will need addressing.
2. good communication is key. Learning the skills to talk about stuff that’s bothering you. Using language which doesn’t sound passive aggressive or expecting the other to read your mind, etc. Open, honest communication and good listening skills are vital for a healthy relationship.
3. on the issue of prioritisation, he wasn’t wrong to do the lamp per se, it just wasn’t something you felt should’ve been a priority when there were more urgent jobs that needed doing. To give him the benefit of the doubt though, he wasn’t wrong, he just prioritised differently. I suspect that was where his grievance lay. That he tried to do something he thought would be helpful, and he felt you criticised him for it.
4. although it can be common for lazy partners to use “tone” as a deflection when they’re trying to get out of doing something (I speak from experience!), I agree that “can you not…..” isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something in order to get the best out of someone. It does sound critical. A better way is to agree in advance what needs doing. Or to ask directly “could you please do x?” Or just let him get on with the lamp. Yes he’s chosen something which wouldn’t be your choice of thing to be done, but being critical of his choice isn’t going to end well. Address it, or pick your battles. “Can you not…” isn’t going to be helpful in most situations.
5. on this theme, is he generally someone who responds badly to perceived “criticism” though? If so then, get him in the bin pronto! I’ve just come out of a six year relationship with someone who thought everything was criticism. It got to the point where I couldn’t ask the most basic thing (please stop slamming the fridge shut as the door keeps bouncing open and all our food is going off!). So we just had huge amounts of meat and milk thrown away every few days because I couldn’t mention it as he would explode at the “criticism”. This is emotional abuse and if he is like this, then absolutely leave!
6. the slamming and silent treatment: see above. If this is normal behaviour then again, bin! If a one off, then OK maybe it was a bad day. If this is a pattern of behaviour then this will not get better I’m afraid. If there are red flags, you’ve probably subconsciously clocked them and ignored them. Sit yourself down and have an honest look at the relationship. I suspect there are some red flags that you’re busy ignoring..?

It’s time to be honest with yourself. If this is normal behaviour then please get out. If not, then work on better communication and agreeing shared priorities and division of labour. If he’s a good guy then the latter should come naturally. If he’s lazy or an abusive asshole then he will push back and try and blame you or deflect the conversation elsewhere. If he does that, then you know you’ve picked a wrong un. I spent 20 years married to a lazy one and then 6 years with an emotionally abusive one.

Lesson: choose better and do not be afraid to walk away when you know it isn’t right.

assume you have a joint mortgage so not as easy as throwing him out as suggested. I really hope you have protected your deposit OP. Either way, you have a mortgage to pay and assume you’re tied into a fixed rate. Can you afford the mortgage on your own if you bought him out of his share?

Please don't bother trying to change him.
Get rid of him while you still have the chance

Sorry l don't understand. What did you mean by not prioritising the light? Was he fitting some ceiling or wall lights or something? .That is quite important and just as important as cleaning l would've thought, so. not excusing at all, but can understand his annoyance at what he was doing considered less important.

Would you put up with this from anyone else? How does he treat his mum? Do women who brought him up do everything for him? If so- there’s no hope, especially if he has such a sense of entitlement. You don’t deserve this.

I am not sure, like other posters, why you went ahead and bought a house with this man. He is clearly horrible towards you and that isn't going to change. The fact you saved and put up 70% of the deposit suggests to me he is using you for the money. Did you get this protected in any way when you bought the house?
He was clearly showing you want he was like before if he didn't want to save, and then called you names when you talked to him about this.
I would already be looking for a way out.

Ok well in view of this, I think it’s OK to admit that you don’t share priorities. So what do you do about that? I mean, it’s normal for couples to view things like housework and money differently. They’re pretty big topics. So you do need to be able to discuss them and agree how you approach them.

You feel he should spend less of his time relaxing and more time doing house jobs. And you feel that saving instead of going out should be a priority.

He sounds pretty immature to be honest and I suspect he just wants to behave like a man child/teenager and not grow up and be a responsible partner. Do you want to be with someone like that? I married one of these. It was miserable. It made me into a not very nice angry person who became obsessive about cleaning. I blame years of being the default person for all the domestic labour and childcare, while he did his hobbies and socialised. He wouldn’t change. There was nothing I could say or do that would make him be better. I should have left. I didn’t. I wasted half my life with him.

If he can discuss division or labour and saving and you can agree on some shared priorities then maybe it can work. Sadly I suspect he will dig in hard and blame you and belittle you for being a nag, etc. Fine. Just walk away if so, because he won’t get better.

Jeez if this is supposed the be the "Honeymoon" period?! Get him out now 😔

Sorry OP, you're not compatible. Get out now.