Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

Some days I’m quite envious

I don't really care how many or how few people choose to have or if they have any at all. As long as the kids people do bring into the world are safe, happy, looked after and loved it's none of my business.

I'd never comment even if I did think about it which I honestly don't. I'm one and done myself and I have zero care of what anyone thinks of me for that decision 🤷

I'm chuffed for you and your lovely children, (my 2 are really close too,) but quite honestly, it's not like that for many people!

I don't think 'only children' are at any disavantage, except the care of the parents will fall to them and them alone when the parents are elderly. May not happen of course as not all people end up infirm and needing care, and many daughters (especially the eldest,) will be pushed into that caring role anyway. Even if there are multiple siblings.

Having more money and time (by having just one) can be advantageous too. Many only children - like some firstborns will do better academically, and often will do better in their career too.

First-born children (and only children) often have better academic performances, and greater financial success due to increased parental attention and resources early in life. They tend to possess strong leadership skills, emotional stability, and a higher likelihood of achieving advanced education. Not all of course, but some. My second born is as successful and happy as my firstborn, and just as happy. But there is a tiny gap between them (less than a year and a half...)

It is not 'unkind' to have just one, and there is NO guarantee that if you have a second child that they will get on. I know more instances where siblings don't get on than I do where they DO get on!

I’m in the same boat and I think fair play to us for having the courage to be confident about what we want, in the face of considerable societal pressure (implicit and sometimes explicit).

I have one child, by choice. I don’t care anymore what others choose, or what they think of my choice. Saying that, I have no idea why people have children they cannot afford to spend time or money on.

A long time ago someone once made a judgy remark about us only having one child. I said it was strange to me why people don’t question why their first child wasn’t enough for them. Yep, it wasn’t necessary but neither was her opinion.

Same here. No thoughts whatsoever, whether they have 0,1,2 or 6 children. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. No impact.

Good for you for batting her coarse remark back! Honestly it's no-one's business and it's soooooooo rude to comment. People have just one for all sorts of reasons!

I don't give it a second thought. Who knows why people have only one child. There's a whole variety of reasons, all of which are nothing to do with me.

There are a lot of positives to having just one.

The thing with two children is the love does increase and grow but the time and money doesn’t. I do feel like my children would have had a better childhood as the only one, but which one would I return? I couldn’t, obviously!

I think, “lucky them - they’ll not be listening to two of them arguing like drunks all the way home”
love my two dearly but they declared war at about 3/4yrs old and have kept it up ever since!

I think the sibling experience can be like that. It can be fairly neutral - I didn’t get on with my sibling growing up, we are polite but distant as adults. It can even be detrimental. And while I enjoy watching my two when they’re getting on, the flip side is when they fight or their needs conflict it can be very difficult.

I don’t think much about other people’s family size, beyond hoping it’s what they wanted.

The thing is, you can disagree if you like, but siblings aren't always a gift - it's just the luck of the draw, and for all the people whose lives have been enriched by having siblings, there will others whose lives have been wrecked by having them. And plenty more who just feel completely neutral about it.

As for feeling sad for only children, please don't. They absolutely don't need your pity because they are not missing out.

I know a couple of people who think only children will be lonely or spoiled. But I know people who are/were lonely and spoiled despite not being only children! I plan to only have one child so no judgement from me. I would rather be the best mum to one, and try to avoid loneliness and spoiling, than be a stressed or stretched mum to several kids.

I also don’t want to have more kids than I would be able to afford on my own, since divorce rates are so high and you just never know what will happen with your partner’s health etc. (I think MN has made me scared of being financially reliant on a man as I see a good number of posters not wanting their kids to have a change of lifestyle despite unhappiness or abuse)

This 🙂

Literally nothing. It’s completely neutral information to me.

When I hear about one child, I am trying to guess in my head what I think the reason is (or combination of them):

• general fertility struggles;
• First baby IVF (so expensive to have another IVF child);
• was too hard with the first one/too traumatic birth - can't get over it;
• priorities on dispensable income;
• being perfectionists - do one properly with all bells and whistles;
• age when the first child came.

I have literally never once given this a thought. I probably die judged people who choose to have more than five children - they can’t possibly give them enough attention.

but one child? Have searched my brain and can’t find an opinion.

Why?

Zero. None of my business. I have an only. No one has any say in your family size except the two of you or knows your reasons. There’s lots of positives to one, as a mum of a now young adult.

After having secondary infertility for a time (conceived a second in the end on clomid) I am always mindful that there could be pain behind that situation, but no judgement. People can be really insensitive asking why you don’t have a second

As a single parent of an only child, I think I am smart/forward-thinking, was very thoughtful when I decided one was enough; and I'm very mindful of my limits.
Life would've been more challenging for me with multiple children.

I’m 1 of 4, we were close as kids and played together all the time, but only really because we had to, because that’s the way it was. As adults we have very little to do with each other.

DD is an only child because it took 3 years to conceive and because we knew we could afford 1 comfortably but any more would have been a stretch, as it turns out finances improved a lot and we could have had more but don’t regret it. She’s probably a bit spoiled but definitely not lonely and she’s not spoiled in a bratty way.

I think everyone makes decisions that are best for them and that’s the way it should be, the only time I really do judge is when people have kids they can’t afford to take care of, children are a responsibility not a right and if you can’t live up to that responsibility you shouldn’t bring kids into your situation.

I am 1/6 and I have 3 kids. There’s nothing wrong with it but it’s kind of strange to me because it never crossed my mind to only have one. Mind you when I was a kid I did wish I was an only child sometimes when my sister was getting on my nerves or my brothers were hogging the TV. In terms of things like inheritance I think having one is good because there will be no squabbling or falling out, it will also be easier for you to help your child without having to worry about what’s “fair”.

Like everything in life, there’s pros and cons.

Not only do I not think anything of parents choosing to have one child... I actively judge anyone who takes it upon him or herself to have, let alone share, an opinion on other people's family planning decisions as a narrow minded moron.

1. Because it's none of anyone's business
2. Because it's so obvious in that scenario that there's a high risk there could well be infertility involved so what kind of idiot would proffer an opinion?
3. Because families with one child are able to offer their children a much larger range of financial advantages than families with multiple (and yes I know that's not everything but its fairly important)
4. Because an only child will get more attention in a family (and I know some people think its a bad thing but I happen to think there's limited value in having so many children that they are constantly fighting for resources and attention
5. Because having siblings doesn't guarantee you will have a relationship with them, let alone a positive one
6. Because many women these days have careers and want not to cut those careers off before they've got off the ground by having multiple children.
7. Because the more children a woman has, the less money she has (usually)
8. And if none of that its persuasive, because it's none of anyone's God-damned business.