Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

My 10 year old only child is the exact opposite of shy, he is also very confident. I think he'd be that way no matter if he had siblings or not because it is just his personality.

I actually have the opposite experience to pp. The only children I know happen to be more like my son.

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/09/only-children this offers a great overview of why the only child stereotype has no merit. Also (from the same article):

"Older research suggests that overall, only children tend to have more positive relationships with their parents than children with siblings (Falbo, T., & Polit, D. F., Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 100, No. 2, 1986opens in new window). Skills developed in those relationships often translate into healthy interactions with adults outside the family, too, Pickhardt said."

Everyones different of course, but its annoying when you hear stereotypes of any kind that arent true.

I really don't think I have the right to validate or invalidate others experience and I have said this several times on the thread.

It was maybe a poor word choice. We all write things poorly when in a rush.

However you've picked up on something completely minor as in one word and built some new narrative and argument about it. I've made it quite clear on several posts that I don't validate or invalidate others experience. I've also made it clear while I'm not an only child, I'm a twin and have been subject to stereotypes and assumptions before.

Don't try and assume something I am or trying to do over the basis over a clumsily used word.

I think if they want one child, it’s their right to choose. It might be affordability…too many people have too many children because it’s their right and the state..taxpayers…will support them. It might be not a choice…medical reason. It might be a decision made after going through one pregnancy, having a difficult 48 hr experience giving birth and feel never wanting to do it again. ..my DiL.

I had 3 …one was inevitable as I ran out of pills. The second , I thought I should provide a sibling so as not to have an only child. The third was 10 yrs after the second..I wanted to be a mother…my MiL and FiL had frozen me out of parenting my kids, with my H assistance and support. They got #3 as well . However, 2 elder siblings hated each other. Still do decades later.
My own sibling used to batter me every day. Till I left home . Not sure why I thought having a second for the first was a good idea…I think I hoped we ..brother and I..were the exception rather than the rule

So having more than one to be company for each other doesn’t always work out. People have to do what’s best for themselves.

If you do have an only child it means your potential grandchildren will have no aunts uncles or cousins on at least one side of their family. I do wonder how future generations like this will fare in terms of not having wider family and a larger support network

I have 4 cousins - last time I saw or spoke to any of them was at a family wedding 16 years ago!

My sibling I probably see on average every 1-2 years, haven’t spoken since I last saw them last May.

We all live in England

DH’s sibling lives a 5 minute drive away and we only see them at family events like Xmas or if we invite them to DC birthday. We never hear from them in between times.

Siblings or family is no guarantee of a support network.

I have 4 cousins - last time I saw or spoke to any of them was at a family wedding 16 years ago

You need family to have family weddings to attend

Yeah my late father was an only child and was selfish, aggressive and unfaithful so...

So? If you reach any further you'll fall over, mate.

Exactly. Load of nonsense that only children are a 'type' - and no, I'm not one.
I have known several and they are all entirely different in nearly every way.

So what exactly? I just said that was my experience, yours is clearly different.

This is true. I am an only child with very little family. I am almost 40 and I have actually never been to a family wedding. I am not particularly bothered, but it is probably quite unusual.

That's my point. There is no 'type'. Many other onlies I have known have been great.

Some of the very best people I know are onlies. So if there is only one type, perhaps we should insist that everyone stops at one.

If we're talking about family weddings, my cousin (an only child), had a very small wedding. Despite the fact there were a number of similar aged cousins who all grew up together, she didn't invite any of us and just had friends there. These were the people that were important to her and she wanted to spend the day with (and there was no falling out from any of her cousins. We all still speak and I'm happy she got the day she wanted with who she wanted to spend it with).

Sometimes even with a large extended family, people still choose their own families.

Yes this. We had to have a small wedding with just close family as we couldn't afford to invite all the cousins we never hear from anyway.

There was a report on Tuesday in the Independent which made me feel sad.

The article was called 'The key to coping with a parent’s death may be how many siblings you have'.

It was based on some research from Finland. I've copied a paragraph below:

'It looked at over 1.3 million people, among whom 12.5 per cent had lost their mother. Another group included more than one million people, of whom 23 per cent had experienced the death of their father. A key finding was that fewer siblings correlated with an increased propensity to purchase mental health medication, especially in the year after a mother's death.'

It concluded that:
'Considering the shrinking kinship networks in many ageing societies, children may face increasing strain as their parents near the end of their lives.'

It did also acknowledge that further research was needed though.

@Strawberriesandpears I’m close to having to get mental health help after caring for my DM. I have a sibling who is keeping well away. Having a sibling do nothing is adding to my struggles, as huge resentment is building

@Strawberriesandpears and my DH was my support during bereavement, like I will be with him when the time comes for his parents

As you say further research is needed. The thing about studies is you can normally find one to suit your point of view. I'm guessing if I looked I would find one saying the amount of siblings didn't have an impact on a person's grief.

Yes in some cases sibling support will be beneficial. In many cases, poor sibling relationships actually exacerbate a person's suffering of grief.

Now I'm not downplaying how it must be for only children being the "last ones" of their family. Of course that's hard and understandable to think if you had a sibling it would lessen your grief. Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn't. The thing is even with all the studies quoted etc, life for most of us, isn't neat and linear and black and white. A sibling is not a person's sole network as some people seem to be making it out there. And neither should be. Many people have great relationships with their siblings and many don't.

None of us know how the future will be or what will happen. Which is why to me, it seems pointless making the decisions on how many children to have based on a load of hypothetical situations that may or may not happen in the future. I know a few people who are older only children or their siblings have died and they are no children of their own or nephews or nieces either. I'm not pretending to know about their grief or how they feel. But I do know, they weren't without support and they are still there in their 60s and 70s living their life to the best they can, surrounded by friends and their partners and they speak about being happy and enjoying life.

Maybe as well, we need to look at these studies as instead of a sad thing but as instead as a driver to how we actually fund and structure elderly care.

Family and birth rates are falling for a variety of reasons and I don't like the general shaming of it always being women's fault of either leaving it too late to have children or pressuring women to have children (or more children than they have) that they neither want or have the resources to cope with.

This idea that the small nuclear family was meant to do the work of a village was never sustainable. We're meant to be social creatures supported by a community whether that be neighbours, friends, extended family, whoever etc. Not just mum, dad and sibling or two. This idea that that mum and dad can raise children without support or two siblings can care for their elderly parents on their own and be all the physical, emotional and social support for each other was never going to work and it's no wonder family sizes are shrinking.

I'm not sure what the answer all is but maybe smaller family sizes will force people to look for support outwith their immediate families and foster stronger social and community bonds which can only be a positive thing.

Bellaunion I massively agree with your post about how, if you are looking, you can easily find a study to suit your opinions and beliefs and that none of us can possibly know what will happen in the future so you can't base everything on the number of children you have. I thought it was interesting and well written.

Re. Your second post, equally well written, my experience of life and watching those around me and my small family is that unless you are part of a family with siblings, you generally aren't accepted. I would love to be able to say I am part of a community or a friendship group but it feels like this is happening less and less. It looks to me like people only bother with their own blood relatives, maybe out of feeling obligated, who knows? So perhaps they have little time and energy for anyone else. I feel that if I didn't have DH & DS, I would be very alone and that scares me for the future for DS.

I'm sorry that's been your experience.

In my antenatal group, of five of us with 2.5yo, only one has opted to have a second. But there is definitely a lot of support between us - mutual pet sitting, baby sitting, sharing of equipment, and snacks are 100% communal (Inc catering for dietary restrictions).

We were all a bit bereft the weekends we weren't able to see each other, and we spent more time with each other over christmas than we did with our families (in fact we're doing Easter Sunday together). Perhaps you do need that nucleus of onlys, or maybe we're just lucky.

Yep, I'm having counselling at the moment to help me adapt to being a carer for my dad. No help from sibling.

And the greatest support for me when my mum passed was my DH and a close friend.

Family and birth rates are falling for a variety of reasons and I don't like the general shaming of it always being women's fault of either leaving it too late to have children or pressuring women to have children (or more children than they have) that they neither want or have the resources to cope with.

Yes, 100% this.

Thank you for the compliment!

I am so sorry that has been your experience. Your fears and worries are of course completely understandable. How old is your DS if you don't mind me asking? You must remember things never stay static for you and your DS. You'll meet people over the course of your life as will your DS. Sometimes community and friends happen when you least expect it.