Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

I admit sometimes seeing parents with 4 or more and thinking. Firstly there is only one planet and also I wonder if the eldest (especially if a girl) gets much parental attention or just has to take a backseat and possibly taking on parenting tasks they wouldn't have chosen to.

I might be entirely wrong in some cases but this was my experience as the first of five and all other eldest children in larger families tell me they have experienced. Consequently going on to have much smaller families themselves.

Parents have limited resources, money, time, patience and emotional and physical energy. The more children the less there is to go around.

Bellaunion Thanks for posting this in response to my sad post. It has helped me alot

Well our ‘resource constraint’ is our mental and physical well-being as we don’t feel we’d be able to have good well-being as people if we has a 2nd. Thats our decision to know our limits. We love our first and only beyond words and love being her parents:

I don't think anything of the parents. People make choices for all sorts of reasons.

I do think being an only child makes you a certain type of adult though. They are really quite easy to spot.

Wind ‘em up and watch ‘em go, eh, OP?

How so? Have you met every only child to make this assumption?

I get really annoyed about this blanket conception about certain type of people. I'm a twin and face it myself in the opposite direction.

I have friends and family who are only children. They are all vastly different individuals. As are though who have siblings. I can't say any have stuck out for simply being only children.

I understand one and done but what if something had gone wrong with your pregnancy?

I do think being an only child makes you a certain type of adult though. They are really quite easy to spot.

No; this is confirmation bias.

I suspect that provoking this kind of comment is exactly what the OP (who made one post and disappeared) wanted.

"I do think being an only child makes you a certain type of adult though. They are really quite easy to spot."

In what way? I do agree to some extent though. The only children I know (myself included) are thoughtful, kind and caring, and also rather quiet and lacking in self confidence in some ways. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. We just seem to have more gentle, thoughtful, reflective kind of personalities.

Not saying this applies to all only children. It is just my experience.

I would have grieved but i dont think i would have wanted another one after such a tragic experience. You could also say the same about a child at any stage of their life particularly since my son is also a german citizen (dual) so i mentally prepare myself that his generation would face war against russia. He is 8 months old so hopefully the big war with open conflict would be over before he reaches conscription age.

I don't disagree with this being true of all the only children you have met but this is just your personality type which is perhaps drawn you towards those that are similar. You would have still been all those qualities with siblings. It's like saying everyone with siblings is outgoing and confident which isn't true either! My cousin is an only child and is a hugely outgoing, sociable and confident person. Far more than me with two siblings!

I think people just like to make blanket assumptions about those who aren't single children with siblings. I'm a twin so have it from an opposite angle with the assumptions made about us.

I've said before being an only child is a family size not a personality trait.

@comeandhaveteawithme Please, do go ahead and elaborate on how adult only children are easy to spot….

I understand what you are saying, however I don't think it can be denied that upbringing does influence personality type. I was born with genes which gave me green eyes, but I wasn't born with genes which made me quiet or shy. Personality type is influenced by family dynamics and social interactions, and these early experiences shape how we perceive the world and ourselves within it.

@Strawberriesandpears but being quiet and shy isn't down to being an only child. I have a DB and I'm quiet and shy. In fact, many quiet people will have had a sibling who will talk for them, so they didn't have to be confident.

Same with the 'lonely' trait that is thrown in the direction of only children. An introvert amongst a large number of extrovert siblings will probably have times of feeling very lonely, as their feelings won't be taken into account.

Like others I’ve never really thought about it. Now you’ve asked though I suppose I think ‘great’ I have 3 children. If I were planning my family now there’s no way I’d plan 3…..I couldn’t afford to!

There is one thing that is very clear on Mumsnet - you can't be an only child and have an opinion on being an only child. Someone with a sibling will always come along to tell you that you are wrong and that they know better.

Perhaps that is the advantage of having siblings. You truly do know better and I am missing something?

@Strawberriesandpears only children tend to get lumped in to one category, where you can tell they are an only child. But actually they are just a person in the same way as any other person is. You can have your experience as an only child, but my DC will have a different experience as an only child. Your experience is your experience in your family, influenced by genes, nurture, personality, friends etc.

In a sense its almost impossible to say what life would be like for you with siblings. Many only children idealize sibling relationships and think they would be built in best friends. But many sibling relationships are not like that, my DH isnt talking to his siblings and they live im 3 different countries. I also live v faraway from mine..

What is 100% is that siblings will mean less resources compared to if you had none which is a factor. Even if born in a wealthy family, it would mean inheriting an extremely valuable property without needing to sell which is why the aristocratic families previously would pass the estate to the oldest son to preserve it rather than split it and have an unviable farm. The rest had to go into the clergy/law/military which is why many ended up as colonial administrators in india. For this generation, it may be that the kids who dont have student loans and can buy property in their 20s would be overwhemingly only children or children of the wealthy.

Once read this quip about oxbridge students- mostly they would be alumni of the most famous top 10 public schools aka mostly wealthy, inner city comprehensive kids from deprived/immigrant backgrounds who 100% deserve to be there and lucky middle class kids who would never have that opportunity again

I think this is also apt to describe the demographics of the future comfortably off (the ones who can buy a home and live well and not be scrimping)- children of the wealthy, children of the poor who fight their way to the top, some lucky inheritors and only children (whose parents put aside money for them- they can save the 250k which would otherwise be spent on raising a second child).

Of course and I agree and there is also evidence as well that shows personality traits are inherited too. You're personality traits are down to a complex mix of genes, biology, your social interactions and environmental issues.

Maybe you being quiet is down to being an only child, maybe it's down to biology or something else. The point is the amount of siblings and you're family experiences growing up are not the only thing that factors your personality.

I have a twin. Up until we went to school, we had the exact same upbringing. We went to the same nursery, same baby groups and same experiences at home. By going by what you say, we should be very similar. Yet we are very very different people. By the time we went to secondary school, people had a hard time believing we were related as to how different we were.

No one is denying your experience of being an only child but it's ridiculous to say all only children are quiet or it's the only thing that impacts their personality. It maybe part of it but given all only children and all people who have siblings are different personalities, it isn't true.

Sorry but why the hell do you care what other people think about this?

I always find it funny when people say you can tell someone was an only child because they're funny about sharing things - I think I'm funnier about it than my only child best friend because I used to lend things to step-siblings that were either not given back or given back in a state 😂I'm still annoyed about the top I lent my step-sister as a child that she only returned once we'd both grown out of it!!

Our opinions are gonna be formed from our experiences and honestly I do admire the people I know who only had one child and pour all their energy and resources into that one child. Prioritising school plays, clubs, their achievements etc. But I think that's because as the youngest there was sometimes a bit of 'been there, done that' attitude when it came to stuff like that for me 😅

Some people loved growing up with siblings so want the same for their child. Some people hated being an only child and don't want that for their kid. Some will have hated having siblings and only want one. There's a multitude of reasons and I'd never judge the amount any parent chose to have.

The thing is no one is denying an only child's experience or their opinion of them. That would be ridiculous as no one can speak for an individuals experience.

But the same things that some only children experience such as being lonely, lack of support such as with elderly adult care, lack of self confidence or being quiet are equally experienced by those with siblings. There is belief by some (not all) only children on here that by having one or two siblings they would be magically cured of loneliness, be outgoing and confident people and have family support on tap. And as seen on here by many of those who have siblings (myself included), this just isn't the case. We experience the exact same things.

Everyone's experiences are individual whether you have siblings or an only child. That's why we can't simply lump them all together.

I agree with this.

May I just point out though that when I posted earlier about my only child friends all having a similar personality, you started your reply:

"I don't disagree with this being true of all the only children you have met".

Surely you couldn't possibly have disagreed. You haven't ever met me or the people I was referring to. The use of the word disagree comes over as having some sort of power or greater knowledge over me. Like you were in a position to make the choice to agree or disagree with my lived experience. To say whether it is true or false.

Sorry, I know I am kind of nit-picking and perhaps you just posted quickly and didn't think too much about the wording, but do you see what I mean?

I think you really are nit picking and reading too much into it. I said I didn't disagree that all the only children you had met were quiet? But I went to explain not all only children were quiet given the ones I'd met.

I fail to see what's so offensive about that or what's to argue about it. I was making a statement. Nothing about having greater power. You really are reading too much into it.

Exactly - you said you didn't 'disagree'. Like you had the choice to agree or disagree with my lived experience.

If you had posted, 'I hate my sibling and they make my life miserable', I wouldn't have said 'oh I don't disagree with that'. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that I had a choice to 'agree' or 'disagree' with your lived experience.

It's all very subtle, but I think it does demonstrate that people unconsciously think they have the right to validate or invalidate another person's lived experience / reality.