Honest opinion - what do you think of parents choosing to have one child?

[ConnectThree]

We have a 7 year old DS and no fertility issues that we know of.
We have still chosen to have only one child.
I guess I’m just wondering what other parents think?

Well I was a bit of a pain in school but it wasn't because I was an only child, it was because I am me!

My son had the odd issue in school and his only childdom was always darkly hinted at as the reason. It wasn't, it was because he was small for his age and bullied as a result. Heightism (along with only childism) being the last bastions of acceptable discrimination these days.

Anyway the thread about the toddler having problems adjusting to the arrival of their baby sibling should be a salutary tale about the problems that may arise if you don't stop at one. A lot of people say having two is easier, but as with all things, it depends.

I don't consider anyone else's choices any of my concern

in real life when i meet someone with only i have no way of knowing whether they stopped at one due to fertility or finances or something else so i don’t judge because what’s the point? we can only make the right decision for our circumstances.

however if i knew for sure that fertility (including things like a marriage breakdown meaning that another child wasn’t an option) or finances weren’t the reason, and that it was 100% a free choice to stop at 1, not driven by resource constraints, then I would possibly suspect they didn’t like parenting their first born all that much.

@muggart why would you think that? How many children does someone need to show they love parenting?

There's also many people who love being parents to one but know their own limitations and that these would be stretched and that they would not like being a parent to more than one.

There is no correlation to how much people like kids and parenting versus how many children they have.

Well, there are always many reasons to stop having more kids but they pretty much all come down to resource constraints- whether in the form of money, time, toll on the body, fertility / access to a healthy embryo etc.

If you strip away all resource constraints so they aren’t a consideration, then surely the only question is - would you like to dedicate more of your life to parenting another child? is it what your heart desires if there is nothing standing in your way? if the answer is no, then it’s a not a massive stretch to think that person simply didnt love parenting first time around if they don’t want to do it again. Which is fine, btw, I’m a big believer that we shouldn’t shame parents who don’t enjoy parenting.

with higher numbers of children resource constraints always come into play so the question is redundant, unless youre kim kardashian or elon musk i suppose but they do end up having loads of kids.

None of my business. Your choice.

Do not care. I have one child and my reason for having one was pretty solid, I won the lottery with DD, I didn’t want to push my luck.

I don’t spend time worrying about what others think.

Nothing. We have an only son. It's absolutely fine. No comments/criticisms etc from anyone else at all. He's had a perfectly normal upbringing, now a well adjusted adult, good job, lots of friends, etc. I think some people make it a big issue when it really isn't.

Both me and DH have a same sex sibling. We're not close to either, can go months with no contact. Neither of us had anything in common with our respective siblings, and we both drifted apart in our teenage years.

@muggart some people may just want one child, in the same way some might want 2. 3 etc.

That's the thing. The family network and village only really materialises when you not only have siblings but its highly likely your siblings would have multiple children. However the society we live in means that this is no guarantee. Parents who are trying to 'guarantee' built in friends are fighting an uphill battle against societal norms (unless they are orthodox jewish or Mormon in which case it is a moot point as its a 90% certainty they would have children and spouses barring infertility). Giving your child 1 sibling is not going to give them a built in family when you pass on because a sibling can easily move to Australia or even in childhood they may not get on.

I love parenting but a big part of why my husband had a vasectomy was my gestational diabetes. I also hate artificial contraception and like certainty- wanted the feeling of 'being done'. The whole surrending my fertility to God sounds like a nightmare.

But most people who stop at two could have managed three at least resource wise - do you assume they didn't like parenting their second one?

I mean I have one husband, does the fact I don't also seek out a couple of extra lovers suggest to you I don't like having sex with him?

It’s a bit of a stretch, though, to think someone ‘didn’t love’ parenting first time around if they chose not to have more children. It presupposes ‘if you love something, you want to do it multiple times’, which might work for some things, but certainly not for other. Would we think of someone who gets married four times that they simply loved getting married so much they wanted to keep doing it?

I’ve adored parenting DS (almost 14) so far, but I’ve enjoyed it so much in part because it sits alongside a busy professional life which is every bit as important to me. Having more children would be more likely to throw that out of balance.

And whether or not you ‘love parenting’ isn’t necessarily much of an indication of how good at it you are. My parents had five children because they lived in a Catholic society where contraception was against the rules of their church and difficult to access, and to this day are totally unaware of what inadequate parents they were.

Prefer it to them having 3 or more.

I only know two families one DC and it seems like a good idea, they get to do nice family stuff together and life isn’t too chaotic.

I'm an only child and much closer to my mum than my partner is to his parents. (Context: my parents divorced when I was 18 and my partner was sent to boarding school at 7)

I loved being an only child. I was quiet and hardworking at school as a child, v sociable but not much trouble as a teenager and only seem to argue with my mum now as a 35 year old! Anyway I loved the close relationship i had with both my parents growing up and I've always had friends a range of ages and been pretty independent which I all think is thanks to that.

I have lots of thoughts about this...but no opinions!

There are advantages to having multiple children and there are advantages to having just the one child. It depends on circumstances, preferences etc and it is every parent's perfect right to decide these things for themselves.

Honestly, I secretly think I wish they'd give thst child a sibling or two if possible. I just think dealing with your parents getting sick and old and infirm is so, so much easier if you have the support of siblings.

@AyeDeadOn it certainly has been easier for my sibling. He has done fuck all whilst I have done it all

About the parents, I would make no assumptions, there are countless reasons they might have only one child .
However, as a parent, wiith hindsight, I would make efforts to involve my child in activities allowing friendships out of school.
This is of course depends on the child personality and the family.
But, as an example, our only child ended up with no close friends after middle school, and no relatives in this country.
He was not keen on group sports, scouts, group activities and similar, so we never forced him to try.
For many years he seemed happy, and full of creativity and interests.
But around 15 he had a mental breakdown and developed mental issues.
I am not saying that lack of relations caused him to have mental issues, even if it might have contributed.
But certainly having relations would have protected him and helped him through this difficult period, and given his personality, taking care of a smaller sibling would have helped him enormously.
I was myself a child who liked to be alone often, and my parents made no effort to have me socialise beyond school, but looking back I had a younger brother I took care of and I would spent a few months each summer with my numerous cousins, so I think that helped me a lot.

So no judgement, but I wold keep an eye on that. Just in case.

Im sorry to hear that. It dossnt change my honest opinion, which is what the OP called for. If im being even more honest, id say have at least 3 if you can.

I never thought anything about it but am now at a stage where friends are caring for/grieving an older parent. Friends without siblings have talked about the loneliness of caring for parents and mourning them. It has made me reflect on the implications of only kids - am sure it is different but really feel for them at this stage of life.

At least 3 😂😂.

I work in Older adult work assessing care and such as was the amount of dysfunctional families I came across, it almost made me stick at 1. It certainly was on the last of my consideration when considering my family size.

Many of my colleagues have one child by choice and they too work with families day in day out. If they were so convinced of the benefits of a sibling for elderly care I'm sure they'd be popping out more given its what we deal with every day. As the reality stands, most of us come across it being one person doing the care anyway.